2
apr
0

When your job makes you miserable, here’s how to decide to stay or quit.

Posted by Change, Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Decision, Self-coachingNo Comments

We have all been there.  The feeling of impending doom that starts midway through Sunday as the prospect of going back to work the next day looms large.  The knot in your stomach that will not go away.  The increasing tension in your neck and shoulders adds to the insomnia you’ve already got from worrying about it.  All signs of stress and anxiety.

You may be reaching the point where you feel it is just not possible to continue like this for much longer.  The burning question is, should you stay, or should you go?

You are probably receiving pressure from your friends and family to do something about it.  You may even be blaming or punishing yourself.  The temptation is to resign the next day and leave as soon as you can.  But is this the right thing to do?

It is by no means uncommon.  Last month alone 3 of my clients in different countries and with different roles raised this as an issue for them.  In this situation, there are two things I help them work through.  The first is to understand the cause of the discontent.  This is important because it is only when we fully understand the problem that we can know whether (or not) it is fixable.

What (specifically) is the cause of your discontent?

There are a wide range of causes of unhappiness at work.  It could, for example, be due to tension with a specific individual – a colleague or a boss.  Many of us are uncomfortable with conflict.  Operating in an environment of seemingly perpetual conflict can be extremely stressful.

Your angst might be due to the culture of the organisation.  There are many features of culture which might be at odds with your values or preferred way of working.  If, for example, the culture is haphazard, last minute and reactive, and you are an organised planner who thrives on certainty and preparing in advance, the clash between the organisational ways of working and your own preferences might be too much to bear.

The problem could also be linked to your perception of how valued you feel.  If you are paid less than your peers, are consistently overlooked for promotion, or are taken for granted for the work you do, every passing week can be frustrating.

Recently, I am also finding that several of my clients are struggling with overwhelm.  As mergers and acquisitions take place, people are laid off and the work piles up for those who remain.  The job can feel untenable.  The challenge of work may feel so demanding, both personally and emotionally, with seemingly very little respite or support.  You may feel that you are at the end of what you can (or want to) cope with.  Combine this with feeling unappreciated or undervalued and you have a recipe for quitting as your best option for respite.

What is the (real) problem you are trying to solve?

So, you can see how understanding the problem and establishing why you are feeling the need to leave is crucial.  There are two reasons for this.  First, it creates an opportunity to work on the specific cause of the problem.  Continuing with the previous examples, do you need to figure out strategies to resolve conflict with your manager or colleague?  Or perhaps you are wanting more recognition for the work you do?  Or, maybe you need to ask for and establish more support.

The second reason is equally important.  It is to make sure you do not move into a new situation which has the exact same problem!

Are you moving towards or away from something?

There are two types of goals.  Think of these as ‘towards’ goals; or ‘away-from’ goals.  Aim to create the former type of goal and avoid the latter.   Anger or frustration can be a great motivator to persuade you to move but, as Dr Peter Fuda warns us, it is not sufficient for sustainable change.   

A towards goal is one where you know what you want in the future and you actively work towards it.  This might be to secure a salary increase, an executive-level position, a promotion, or move to work in a certain company or sector.

Away-from goals are those where you are trying to move away from your current problems.  This can be illustrated as – you want a new job because you want to move away from your existing role to escape your current boss, rather than particularly wanting the new job you are moving to.  One risk with away-from goals is that you may inadvertently create negative mental loops and negative self-talk about why you need to move.

The biggest risk with away-from goals is that when you move away from something, you may move towards something that is not what you really want.  Even though you may have got rid of the problems of your old job, all you have really done is replace them with a set of different but equally stressful problems in a new role.  Hence it is crucial to unearth the cause of your current stress and the reason you want to leave.  In doing so, you can ensure that you do not inherit the same issues elsewhere.

After my clients have worked through and established the specific causes of their discontent, we work on developing an action plan for what to do next.  If the root cause is potentially fixable, then the plan will focus on attempting to fix the issues identified.  If leaving is evidently the best option, I support them to develop an exit plan as well as their action plan.  Both plans are made up of small steps not big leaps!  If you need more help to develop goals and a plan take a look at my earlier blog on this here.

Just because you have decided enough is enough and you want to quit, the next step is not necessarily to hand in your resignation letter immediately!  There are three reasons why this is not a good idea.  First, you are in a much stronger position to find a new job while you are still in your current one.  Second, if you resign and leave rapidly, you may feel pressurised to find a new role quickly which could result in you accepting a role that is suboptimal.  This can hugely increase the risk of experiencing difficulties in your new role.  Third, it is better to leave on the best terms possible (however bad you are feeling about your current employer!).  They may be able to help you – and you never know what the future holds.

Your exit plan

An exit plan starts by exploring and developing opportunities for yourself and your future. Start by listing what you do and don’t want.

Make a list of the characteristics of your dream job.  Be clear on which of these you are prepared to compromise on and which ones you are not.

Next it is important to alert and invigorate your existing networks.  Re-connect with those you have not been in touch with for a while.  Let people know that you are actively looking for work.  Register with recruitment agencies.  If your relationship with your boss is good (and this was not your main reason for wanting to leave), ask them for help and support.  They may be able to connect you with others in their network, or alert you to opportunities that they are aware of.

Putting your exit plan together can be liberating.  It helps you confirm to yourself that you really are leaving and there is a way forward.  It creates choices, opportunities, and momentum.  Without such a plan you may feel disempowered and devoid of choice.  Crucially, it is your plan.  Rather than leave in haste, make your plan work to your own needs, wishes and time-scale.

However bad things seem in the moment, reflect on the situation and work to understand what might really be going on.  Resist the urge to walk away immediately without a plan.  Take time to understand why things are so bad – coaching can help with this if you are not sure.  Work on a plan to either resolve issues or to move to a brighter future.  When you take proactive control in this way you will ensure that things will get better.

3
jan
0

How to make your New Year goal stick.

Posted by Change, Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Self-coachingNo Comments

It is your life.  What do you want to do with it?

To improve some area of your life, you’ve probably already made a New Year resolution or set a goal?

However, anyone who has tried (and failed) to give up smoking, lose weight, go to the gym knows that it is harder that is sounds.  Intention alone is not enough!  Sticking to goals requires you to make a new habit or break and existing one.

To compound matters, according to research by the University of Scranton, the depressing fact is that 92 percent of people do not achieve their New Year resolutions or goals.  Worse still, Strava (the social network for athletes) found that by 12th of January most people will have given up!

So why bother!

No one is perfectly happy.  No one has a perfect life.  To err is human.  So, when we blunder or fail at something, we are driven to correct it and improve a less than perfect situation.  Hence, we set goals (or make resolutions) to improve things.  This involves finding ways to undo bad habits and create new, good, habits.  All easier said than done!

The good news is there are evidence-based things you can do to make it more likely that you will stick to your goal – to lose weight, cut back the booze, do more exercise, spend less time on the internet or more time with the kids, or whatever it is you want to accomplish.

Breaking bad habits

To achieve goals and resolutions we must do some new things, or stop doing some old things.  This necessitates making new or breaking and replacing old habits.  However, changing existing habits is hard because in addition to the undesirable consequences that we are trying to get rid of, bad habits also offer rewards.  Let’s face it, people get immense pleasure from smoking, drinking alcohol or eating sweet things.

According to Charles Duhigg, an expert in habits, you must change your current routine and make it easier to do a new one.  For example, if you want to exercise or go for a run, put your gym kit or running clothes by your bed and put them on as soon as you wake up.  Once you have your running gear on it is harder to choose not to go.  The next step is to create rewards to help make it stick. 

Reward your craving brain

Based on the rewards you get, your brain creates cravings.  Cravings create habits – bad ones such as cigarettes, alcohol and chocolate, as well as good ones such as cleaning your teeth, taking a shower or doing exercise.  All these habits, bad or good, provide you with some form of pleasure.

If you want to break an undesirable craving, try to figure out what is triggering it.  What reward are you getting from it and how can you still get this reward by creating a different habit?  So, for example, when you are feeling stressed and need a break, if you normally take a break with a cigarette, find a way to take the break (the reward) but without the cigarette.  Make your break a lovely experience that you look forward to.  Each time you do it, you become more likely to repeat the behaviour.

Pre-plan your rewards (small treats).  Coffee is often my ultimate treat.  For you it will be something else.  It might be a lovely hot shower, smoothie, herbal tea, or reading a chapter of your favourite book.  Only you can say what is a treat for you.  Obviously, make it something that is not going to sabotage your main goal!  If you go for a run and promise yourself a cream cake afterwards, it undermines your goal to get healthy, fit, slim or whatever your goal is.

Not sticking to your goal is less about laziness or lack of self-control.  It is down to the method you use to accomplish it!  So, below are 12 evidence-based ways to help you increase your chances of achieving that elusive thing you’ve wanted for so long.

1. Visualise what you want – in detail. Detail will make it real for you.  Picture what it will look like and feel like when you achieve it.  Look forward to it, imagine it.  Keep it front of mind.  Think about it every night as you drift off to sleep.

2.  Make it your priority! Schedule your daily actions towards it and stick to your self-promise that you will do it.  Change your internal self-talk to “I’ll do whatever it takes”.

3.  Write it down. Use your device if you must, but good old-fashioned pen and paper has been shown to instil more commitment.  Put it somewhere you can see it daily.

4.  Remind yourself why you want it. Answering ‘why’ it is important to you and linking it to your purpose and meaning  is a powerful motivator.

5.  Tell a supportive person you are doing it. This makes it more likely that you will stick to it because you don’t want to let them down, and they can help spur you on when you are feeling less motivated.

6.  Make it incremental. Break a big goal or resolution down into little things you can do against it every day.  Running is a good example of incremental upgrades – from walking, to jogging, to running. 

7.  Create a craving and make it a routine – like cleaning your teeth!  If you are like me, you wouldn’t think of going to bed without cleaning your teeth.  I sometimes clean my teeth after my evening meal because there is no way I will eat chocolate or drink alcohol after I have cleaned my teeth.  It works for me!

8.  Use positive emotions and rewards around your new routine that are both pleasurable and achievable.  Only you can determine what a reward or treat is for you.

9.  Plan to do something everyday against your goal – no matter how small.  This will make it feel doable and over time you will see progress. It will build your confidence and get some early success under your belt. Your goal can be long term, but the steps you take must be short-term (e.g. daily).

10.  List the potential barriers to success – what might hold you back or stop you? Put things in place to mitigate these.  If you know that you eat chocolate late at night, don’t buy it or keep it the house!

11.  Review your success frequently.  This is easily done, for example with a binary tick list of your daily actions, e.g. did you do it?  Yes or No?  I use a step counting device so that I know each day that I am achieving my goal of 14,000 steps.

12.  Celebrate and reward your progress – no matter how small. Rewards increase motivation.  It is important to trigger a reward after a positive behaviour.  List small rewards that you will treat yourself to when you have completed a small step.

– – – – – – – – –  – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Goals should be difficult but not impossible, so dream big (audacious goals are compelling), but, according to Sabina Nawaz, in HBR, you must start small.  Equally, playing it safe with goals that are too easy will not get you to your dream!

Furthermore, fewer is better – one goal that you focus on and achieve is better than 6 that you give up on.  Make sure it is something you really want and within your control to achieve it.

Be determined, commit.  Positive language will help you.  Avoid words like I may, I should, I’ll try.  Say “I will” and state by when you will do it.  Be specific e.g. I will go for a 20-minute walk, 4 days a week and after I have done it I will enjoy an amazing cup of coffee.

Imagine how you will feel when you have achieved it.  Picture it, feel it, dream about it!  People who do this increase their chances of success.  Success has little to do with how clever you are.  Rather, it is linked to your determination, energy and your knowledge of what drives, motivates and rewards you.

Accept setbacks as a temporary phenomenon and find a way to get back on track – this may mean adjusting the steps to easier ones (to begin with), until you have created a new habit.

Don’t put off your life.  This is your life and it is happening now.  You can choose to be who and what you want to be.

Some people work hard to achieve what they want from life.  Others wait and watch things happening to them.  Which do you want to be?

30
nov
0

How to find purpose and make your life meaningful

Posted by Change, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Leadership, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

Do you ever think – there must be more to life than this?

Perhaps it occurs during your mundane commute, or your 4th zoom call of the day?  Or maybe when you are stacking the dishwasher, stuck in traffic, or queueing at the checkout.  Do you ever stop and think – this can’t be all there is to life?

If I were to ask what your life’s purpose is, how would you answer?  Most people would respond with something like… “I’ve no idea!”, or “I don’t have one”.  This tells me that it is either not considered important, or perhaps you are waiting for fate or time to decide it for you?  The latter is a possibility but, be warned, you might be waiting a long time.

You will not discover your purpose waiting for that one fortuitous inspirational day!  Instead, it is up to you to craft it and define it over time.  This requires deliberate thought and effort on your part and although it is tough, it is eminently doable.

Searching for meaning in life can feel like searching for the golden chalice!  It is frustrating, worrying, and doubtful that it is even possible to find.  But having no purpose at all is worse.  It can leave you feeling that your life is empty, unfulfilled, and just passing you by. 

This year is coming to an end and a new one is about to begin.  At this time many of us become introspective.  This is a good thing!  Embrace it, even though the questions we ask ourselves are reflective, searching and sometimes self-critical.  Questions such as “what did I do this year?”, “did it matter?”, “why am I here?”, and “what goals will I set for next year?” (download your free goal setting guide here).

These are challenging questions, but we can tackle them if we approach it in bite-sized chunks and consider our answers as ‘work in progress’, rather than the definitive answer.

The problem with having no purpose

You may be pursuing a particular path in life because you drifted into it.   Or perhaps you are afraid of failing if you dare to chase your dream?  Maybe you are afraid you are not good enough, confident enough, clever enough, or similar.

Worse still, you may be pursuing a life that has been determined by someone else, or you could be aimlessly wandering through life with no direction at all.

If this rings true for you and it feels like your life is lacking, something needs to change.  Clarifying your purpose is a great starting point to improving things.  Change for change’s sake does not work.  But if you work out which aspects of your life need to change, and why, it can be incredibly impactful.  Having a purposeful goal, to either add or change something, is a great way forward.

Why does having a purpose matter?

In his book, ‘Start with Why’, Simon Sinek describes the importance of establishing ‘Why’ to inspire the people you lead.  It is equally powerful for us as individuals to know ‘why’ we should do something.  So here are some reasons why purpose matters.

– It is a basic human need to feel that you are adding value to something/someone.

– Having a purpose has been found to be closely linked to happiness and fulfilment.

– It affects your confidence, health, and well-being.

– it moves you from feeling like a spectator of your life to a driver and shaper.

– having a clear purpose will inspire you to appreciate and live your life to the full each day.

How can you begin to create your purpose?

Let’s face it, it is hard!  We have struggled with questions about why we are here and what our purpose is since time began.  This is partly because when we try to think about it, we step out of our comfort zone and open a Pandora’s Box of fears and insecurities.

(In Greek mythology, Pandora’s Box suggested that unchecked curiosity could lead to a dangerous source of great and unexpected troubles!).

Questions to help you create your personal narrative

Purpose is personal.  No one can or should define it for you.  It should stem from your values.  So then, how do you begin to create your own personal narrative and feel that your life is purposeful, meaningful, and worthwhile?

Your values and beliefs may lead you to a noble philosophical, religious, or spiritual purpose.  The problem with this is, while it may serve as a moral compass, it may not easily convert into practical ideas and meaningful goals.

The following questions will start you on a practical journey of self-discovery and sense making about your purpose.  You will not reach an end point or final narrative.  This is because you, and the world around you, will change over time.  And so, your purpose must evolve with you.

There are no right answers to the questions posed, only your answers.  You must be shamelessly and ruthlessly honest with yourself when you answer the questions – no-one else needs to see or hear your responses.  These may seem little questions, but they will have a big impact if you follow through on your answers.

1.  What or who matters most to you in your life? – Why does it matter to you?  Why do you get out of bed each day?  Do you rise with zest and energy, or dread and weariness?

 2.  What brings you pleasure and adds value to someone or something? – These are the sort of things that make you feel good after you have done them.  Even small things can have a big impact such as picking up groceries for a neighbour or phoning a friend who is lonely.

3.  What else? (could you do more of this or carry out other acts of kindness?).  You can always think of at least one more thing!

 4.  Based on your answers, what improvement goal will you now commit to?

 This time last year, I asked myself these questions.  I discovered that I get a great deal of pleasure and satisfaction from helping others live happy more fulfilled lives.  As a result, I set myself a goal to write one blog a month for one year.  Each blog would be specifically crafted to offer insights into how people can improve their lives and work to be the best they can be.  This is my 12th blog!

When you have worked through the questions posed above, you will start to understand what brings you joy and fulfilment in life.  You can then choose some actions that you will commit to, just as I did with my blog.

Deferring your life is not a good idea.  If you do nothing to articulate and clarify some purpose for yourself, it won’t happen.  Whatever you write, keep it fluid and flexible.  Stay open to changing it each time you review it and as you learn more about yourself and your desires.  This will be the early start of formulating your draft purpose.    

We only have one life and one chance to make it the best it can be.  Commit to something.  Change something in your life.  You will be surprised at how even small changes can lead to big improvements.

Have a wonderful Christmas and a purposeful New Year!

31
oct
0

7 Habits Of Positive People – and how to practice them

Posted by Change, Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Leadership, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

Everyone has ups and downs but how do you stay positive in difficult times?

You know that sinking feeling when something has gone badly wrong in your life.  You didn’t get the job; someone is being unpleasant or difficult; you dented the car; someone got sick; or things just generally aren’t going to plan.  Sadly, no one is exempt!  The inevitable sad times, disappointments, frustrations and setbacks can leave you feeling unhappy, worried and afraid.

If it is not kept in check, negativity can ‘infect’ your other thoughts and deeds and your wellbeing.  Dealing with bad times is only half the story.  The main difference between positive and negative people is that positive people don’t allow bad experiences to colour how they see and feel about everything else.  Somehow, they are able to compartmentalise and process bad things while still feeling optimistic about other aspects of their life.  Their cheerful sense of optimism helps them feel happy and positive about the future and instils confidence, calmness, and positivity.

positive people don’t allow bad experiences to colour how they see and feel about everything else.

If you are not naturally a positive person, the good news is, you can change this!  After a short while of training your brain to be more positive, you will start to feel happier and have a sunnier disposition.  The 7 habits below are based on positive psychology and, with practice, will set you on your way to feeling more positive and appreciative of your life. 

1.  Expect good things to happen

The power of positive expectation is a well-documented phenomenon. A quick check of how positive you are is to ask yourself – when you receive an unmarked envelope in the post, do you expect it to be good news or bad?

Whatever you are doing, even if it is something scary and new, expect it to go well.  When you do, astonishingly, the likelihood of it going well is increased!  The converse is also true.  Sports professionals know this – if they expect to lose, they are more likely to lose.

Remember that trying something that you could potentially fail is scary, but not trying at all can create the even worse feelings of regret.

2.  Recall positive moments from the past

Keeping mementos around you will help remind you of happy positive times.  Everything counts if it brings to mind a moment in time when you felt happy and well, and recalling it makes you feel good.  Photos, cards, celebratory trophies, wedding albums etc. will help you to re-conjure the moment.  I keep a few things on my desk – a glass award paper weight, a lovely card from my husband, a gift pen from a friend.  They help me create a happy place to escape to for just a few moments when I need to.

3.  Plan something nice or exciting

Even small things will have a positive effect on your brain, such as planning to watch your favourite box set, meeting someone for coffee, going out for a walk.  This doesn’t mean doing the nice thing right now.  It is more about triggering the brains ‘happy’ hormones by spending time throughout the day, the week or year thinking about the event – whatever it is – and looking forward to it.

It works for longer-term yearning too, such as planning a holiday, looking forward to Christmas, an upcoming birthday, a new baby’s arrival or a wedding.

 4.  Be appreciative and grateful

There is a large body of support these days for gratitude journals and notebooks.  I admit it!  I was a little sceptical at first but, trust me, it works!  Even something as simple as recording 3 positive things from your day before you go to bed works.  The spin-off benefit is that you will probably get a better night’s sleep too!

5.  Celebrate more than you normally do

Find things to celebrate.  It’s not hard once you get the knack.  The best example of this is my husband who does this with consummate ease!  He is always finding something to celebrate.  His birthday is February 11th.  From early August he starts to get very excited about his upcoming “half birthday” which occurs on August 11th!  Initially I regarded his half-birthday concept as quite amusing (if a little childish!).  However, since learning more about how the brain works in relation to optimism and positivity, I’ve come to realise that he is creating things to celebrate so that his brain can produce positive hormones.  He has unwittingly been practicing these habits all his life which is how he has become an exceptionally positive, happy person.

6.  Reframe your mindset

When your mindset is negative it ‘infects’ your other thoughts.  You begin to frame everything around you as negative.  Bizarrely, you collude with this negativity and start to attract more negative things.  The opposite is also true.  When you think positively, you notice and attract more positive things in your life.  The key here is that although it may not always feel this way, you do have choice.  You can choose to think positively by blocking and overwriting negative thoughts with positive ones.  Try it!  Do a deal with yourself that for the next 20 minutes you will not accept negative thoughts.

7.  Notice positive things

To help reframe your mindset, start to proactively notice and acknowledge positive things.  Positive things happen all the time, we just don’t always register them.  It could be a positive email, a nice comment from a friend or loved one, a lovely sun rise, a waggy tailed dog or purring cat.  They all count and serve to feed your brain with good thoughts.

Life is full of ups and downs.  Sad and distressing things happen.  Negative emotions such as anger, stress, fear, sadness, and disappointment have their place in helping us work through difficult and distressing times.  The point of this article is not to dismiss these emotions.  Acknowledging how you feel is a big part of working through challenging situations and moving on.  Instead my message is that we can learn to reserve negative emotions for when life is tough.

When I was being overly negative, my wonderful mentor (the late Professor Aidan Halligan, an obstetrician) asked me “how many babies died today Karen”?  In his world, a baby dying was the worst thing that could possibly happen.  Of course, my answer was “none” which helped me realise that I was overreacting to my situation.

As humans our primeval instincts often evoke fear and stress when we don’t necessarily need to.  If we train ourselves to think and feel more positive, we are more able to reserve negativity and the associated negative emotions for the times when they are warranted.  The result is that we will feel happier and more grateful for the wonderful life that we have.

29
sep
0

5 False Assumptions About Multi-tasking And How To Stop.

Posted by Change, Coaching Tips, Leadership, Leadership and Change, Self-coachingNo Comments

OK, we have all either heard or said it… “women are better than men at it”, and “she’s a mother so she multi-tasks with consummate ease”.

However, asking whether men or women are better at multi-tasking is the wrong question.  Instead, the smart question is: should you be doing it at all?  Is it better to do several tasks or activities simultaneously, or should we concentrate on doing one thing at a time?  To answer this, we need to understand the risks and benefits of so-called ‘multi-tasking’ (more on this later!) to help us choose whether we should do it or not.

It feels like a good use of time when we do it, e.g., reading whilst watching TV, answering emails whilst on a zoom call and, my husband’s favourite, ironing whilst watching ‘Match of the day’!

In today’s fast-paced world, we are all super busy.  It has become increasingly difficult to balance work and family life in a way that satisfies you, your boss, and your loved ones.  We have been duped into believing that multi-tasking is the answer to our lack of time.  Worse still, somewhere along the way we have created heroes out of those who multi-task.  We have adopted the notion that doing more than one thing at a time increases efficiency and frees up time in our home and work lives.

somewhere along the way we have created heroes out of those who multi-task

But how true are our assumptions?  Is multi-tasking (or multi-switching, which is what you are actually doing) a good thing and can you really save valuable time?  To help you decide, this blog busts a few myths and exposes some of the hard the truths about multi-tasking.

Five false assumptions:

1.  Our brain can easily do several tasks at once.

Despite our belief that we can do several things simultaneously, studies from neuroscience and psychology suggest that our brains do not multi-task!  Instead, the brain rapidly switches from one task to the other (multi-switching).  This happens so quickly that we barely notice the shift.

2.  We get more done when we multi-task.

The myth here is that when we multi-task, it makes us super-efficient and more productive.  But the reality is, switching from one task to another causes more mistakes.  We think we are being productive when we are, in fact, more likely to be doing the task badly or making mistakes and creating more work.  Studies suggest that multi-tasking can reduce productivity by as much as 40%.

3.  We save time by multi-tasking.

As well as being less efficient, multi-switching between tasks takes more time in the long run.  We lose focus on the task we stop doing and then take longer to recover our focus on it when we return to the previous task.  This results in wasted time.

4.  We can focus on several things at once.

Rather than do several tasks simultaneously, the brain focuses on one thing at a time.  When another task is presented, the brain rapidly shifts attention from the first thing to the other.  This is emotionally and intellectually exhausting.  It spreads your attention thinly which increases your error rate, drains your energy, and reduces your ability to think clearly.

5.  We can rapidly recover focus when we switch from one task to another.

Cognitive studies from psychology have looked at how we process specific information in our environment.  The fact is, we cannot easily or rapidly regain focus.  You will have noticed this phenomenon when, for example, you ask someone a question whilst they are looking at their phone, computer, or reading something.  They are in effect ‘tuned out’.  Their attention is focused on a particular thing, causing them to momentarily block out other input.  When you ask them a question, their response is often slow or delayed and may start with “erm…”, “sorry” or “what?”.  Even if they are asked a relatively simple question such as “what’s for dinner?” it evokes a delayed response if the person being asked is focusing on something else.

What prudent people do

My message is undeniably tilted towards advising you to avoid multi-tasking when possible.  This is especially true when a task is important and has the potential to yield either positive or unwelcome consequences.

Hence, it is only fair that I offer some ways to manage the multiple tasks that you are probably juggling every day in your life.  Here are a few suggestions…

  • Have a short daily to-do list (and stick to it) which limits the number of things you will do in a day. Tick off things as you complete them – your brain responds positively to this by releasing positive hormones which help you feel good.
  • Work for a maximum of 20 minutes at a time and then take a short break (this has been shown to increase productivity).
  • Ensure you know which items/tasks are the most important ones and prioritise these.
  • List things that you will stop doing and either drop or delegate trivial tasks or duties.
  • Avoid distractions (switch off or mute your devices) and stick to your list.
  • Ensure that there are some things on your to-do list that bring you joy or fulfilment.

A variety of studies have confirmed that our ability to do more than one task at the same time is limited and can be detrimental to the quality of work produced.

People who believe that they get more done by doing several tasks at once are misguided.  They achieve less than they would if they focused on one thing at a time.  When your attention is divided or interrupted, you are much more likely to make mistakes.

Returning to my husband’s multi-tasking trick (ironing and watching football on the TV), he relies on the action replay or the opportunity to rewind to see the goals he missed whilst concentrating on the ironing (burning the clothes carries hefty consequences)!  However, in life, we rarely have the privilege of an action replay or rewind.

If you need to focus on an important task, do that task and nothing else.  Make sure the people around you know that you do not wish to be interrupted.  And, probably hardest of all, switch off the devices that you are not using for the task.

Stop making multi-tasking a heroic act.  Instead acknowledge the shortcomings of doing it and try my suggestions above to help you through your busy day.

31
may
0

How to take back control when things are not going your way.

Posted by Change, Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Self-coachingNo Comments

Like most people, when things are not going my way I can resort to complaining.

But is my venting just a moan, or am I actively working to change an unacceptable situation?  The former perspective portrays me as a victim, the latter as a champion of my own destiny.  I know which label I prefer!

I remember a time when I was convinced that my boss did not like me and was, in my view, treating me unfairly compared to my colleagues.  At that time, I worked shifts and it seemed to me that she (my boss) repeatedly allocated all the undesirable and unwanted shifts to me.  I remember being rostered to work four consecutive Christmases in a row.  I did more night shifts than the others, and most of the bank holidays were, yes you’ve guessed, allocated to me.  To exacerbate my disquiet even further, I applied for funding support to do my Masters degree and was refused, despite other colleagues being fully supported.  Yet, moaning about these situations did not help me!

The psychology of victim thinking is that we look to blame others, or external circumstances out of our control, for the things that are not going well in our lives.  It is so easy to blame someone else for our troubles – our friends, employers, the government, and even our loved ones.   When we do this we are giving our sense of control and power away.  This can foster negative feelings such as helplessness, frustration, anger, resentment, anxiety and low self-worth.  Inadvertently, we risk portraying ourselves as poor unfortunates who need to be rescued from this stuck, unhappy state!

Viktor Emil Frankl was an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist and a Holocaust survivor.  He wrote over 39 books and is particularly renowned for his best-selling book Man’s Search for Meaning based on his experiences in various Nazi concentration camps.  We have much to learn from him about avoiding victim behaviour and exercising choice.

“The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.” Viktor E. Frankl

The reality is we always have choice.  We can choose to opt for victim behaviour, and wear people down with our endless tales of woe about how the world has conspired to prevent us from getting what we want or the opportunities we deserve.  Or, we can choose to respond differently to the unfavourable situation and hold ourselves and others to account for helping make the new desired state happen.

As a coach I work with all sorts or different people in different circumstances.  Take Chris and Alex, for example (real people but not their real names).  Both were well qualified and experienced and had applied for an executive position.  Both were unsuccessful and approached me to support them in their application for another role.  I was curious about their reactions to the situation and struck by their respective different responses to similar disappointing news.

Chris talked earnestly about the situation and told me: “I’ve booked a meeting with them to get feedback on how I did and what I could do better on” and “the good news is I’ve spotted an even better job and so, in a way, it’s OK that I didn’t get it”. 

When I asked Alex similar questions the response was “I think it was a stitch-up” and “it was the Chairman’s fault that I didn’t get it, I could tell that he didn’t like me at the interview”.

Chris seemed to instinctively avoid becoming a victim of the unfavourable circumstances and viewed the negative result with an internal locus of control by accepting personal responsibility for the outcome and committing to do better at the next opportunity.  Alex, however, did the opposite.  I noticed subtle signals of victim behaviour creeping in.  The negative result of the interview was attributed to factors, or people, outside of Alex’s control.

In this real example Chris remained positive and optimistic whilst Alex fell into victim behaviour, expressing feelings of anger and disempowerment.  Clearly, my sample of two people does not constitute scientific evidence!

It is not always easy to maintain a positive mindset – especially in the face of adversity.  One way to avoid victim behaviour is to step outside of the circumstances for a moment and ask yourself three questions:

  • What am I feeling right now?
  • What part am I (inadvertently) playing in perpetuating the way I feel?
  • What can I do, that is within my control, to change things?

When I was complaining about my boss treating me unfairly, I was inadvertently edging towards victim behaviour.  Only when we accept that events are largely a result of our choices and actions are we likely to be more pro-active in shaping our own lives.  I accept that it is easier said than done, but having an awareness that we can change things for the better is a step in the right direction.

The end of my story was good!  Eventually I stopped moaning and realised that it was in my gift to change my situation.  I applied for and got a new job with a new supportive boss.  In doing so, I rejected blame and a victim mind-set and accepted responsibility to improve my situation.

This is not about minimising situations where people have fallen victim to terrible or unlawful circumstances.  Such incidents clearly warrant our unreserved empathy, compassion, and support. 

Notwithstanding this, to be effective, I know that I must embrace the belief that I can consider my options, exert control over my choice, then take positive action to improve my situation.  In doing so, I place the issue within my locus of control and acknowledge that I have the power to make change happen.  I encourage you to do the same.

27
apr
0

The future ain’t what it used to be – 3 steps to future-proof your future

Posted by Change, Coaching Tips, Self-coachingNo Comments

Everything we thought we knew about our stable world has been undone by Covid19!  What does this mean for your future hopes and dreams?  You may have planned to move house, start a family, take a life-changing trip, get married, retire or change your career.

Whatever you have planned for your future; you will need to re-think it.

“It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.”                    (Yogi Berra)

The baseball-playing philosopher, Yogi Berra, declared “the future ain’t what it used to be”.  Covid19 has disrupted the world as we knew it.  Everything has changed.  Extraordinary things we never thought would happen, are happening.  Health systems are overwhelmed, loved ones are lost, jobs and travel are abandoned, airlines are grounded, and global economies are crashing.  Priorities have changed.

In the 1950’s Kurt Lewin developed his influential 3-step change model – unfreeze, change, re-freeze.  It is still widely used today and helps us think about our future; how it will be different and how we must adapt our thinking to flex to the new situation.

The new, unfamiliar and changing situation means we must re-think our plans.  Hoping that things will return to how they were, so we can pick up where we left off, is not an option.  We need to envision a new and different future for ourselves.  Even if our hopes and dreams remain unchanged, we must refresh how and when we achieve them in this strange new world.

Lewin’s model can help you ensure your hopes and dreams stay real, relevant and achievable, despite the changing circumstances.

But first, ask yourself, has your goal or dream changed?  Second, even if it remains steadfast, you will need to re-think how and when you achieve it in this new unfamiliar environment.  Next, work through the stages of Lewin’s model.

 STAGE 1:  Unfreeze (your current thinking and plans)

If you already have a future dream or goal, you may previously have been clear on what it is, as well as when and how it will happen.  However, the world has become highly inconsistent and unpredictable.  The unfreeze element of Lewin’s model suggests that even if the ‘what’ (your dream is) has not changed, the how and when will need to be reassessed.  This stage of flux indicates that a change is needed.

By way of an example, imagine your dream is to take your family to a once in a lifetime trip, this summer, to the magical world of Walt Disney Resort in Florida.  This is the ‘what’ part of your dream.  You would have been mentally and practically preparing for this wonderful experience.

Whilst the ‘what’ you want to achieve may continue to be your dream or goal, the world is in lock-down, there are no flights to Orlando, the park is closed and your financial situation may have changed.  Therefore, the ‘how’ and ‘when’ aspects of your dream are no longer feasible and need to be reconsidered.  This is the unfreeze stage of the model.

Furthermore, you may decide that your original goal has changed.  If this is the case, you will need to unfreeze your previous idea and envision a new goal.

STAGE 2:  Change (your previous plan)

This part of the process is energising and can be highly motivating because it involves redesigning your future.

Drawing on the previous Disney trip example, if your original goal remains constant, you and your family would need to co-produce a new plan detailing how and when you will achieve it.  To do this, requires knowing when lock-down will end, flights will resume, and the park will reopen – all of which is currently not known!  For this reason, Lewin’s model should be regarded as cyclical, not linear.

Therefore, make a new plan, get excited about it but keep it fluid and flexible especially when many of the variables affecting your plan may not be known.

STAGE 3:  Re-freeze (your new plan)

Whatever your future plans are, you will only be able to enter a final re-freeze stage when the relevant facts are fully understood (regarding the lockdown, your health, your job, your finances, travel arrangements etc).  You can, of course, second guess what might happen and make your plan tentative.  Keep it as draft and review it regularly in the light of new information.

Kurt Lewin’s model – unfreeze, change, re-freeze is useful in today’s unpredictable context.  Your dreams do not necessarily need to change, but you will need to reconsider the ‘how’ and ‘when’, to take account of the rapidly changing world we are in. 

The one thing we know for sure about the future is that it ain’t what it used to be!  The trick is to keep your plan live and relevant by regularly reviewing and refreshing it as the situation unfolds. 

Thus, if we remain open and adaptable, we can keep our dreams alive by modifying them as we go.

Stay safe!

Karen