Choice Archives - Ockham Healthcare

oct

How to improve a troubled relationship with your boss

Posted by KCastilleChoice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Decision, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

We spend a great deal of time at work. Consequently, it is crucial to our wellbeing that we feel safe, happy, purposeful, and productive when we are there. Life is too short to hang around in an unhappy environment.

There are many reasons why you might be unhappy at work. My earlier blog deals with some of these concerns. But, if the main reason is that you are not getting on with your boss, what should you do?

Some of my clients have expressed that they want to quit their job because of a difficult relationship with their boss. Quitting is a big decision and warrants careful consideration before you submit your resignation. The answer is not necessarily to find new boss! First, it is worth exploring what you might try to put the relationship in a better place.

Managing upwards is tough! It requires a high level of self-awareness and confidence and the realisation that no one is perfect – not you, and certainly not your boss! Improving the relationship requires an openness to learning, a trial-and-error attitude and the ability to reflect on what works, and what does not.

In this article I have highlighted 4 of the most common ‘boss’ relationship problems and what you might do about them before throwing in the towel.

Typical Problems:

The 100 ideas a day boss

This can be very frustrating, especially when you are working hard to achieve the challenging goals you already have in front of you. It is important not to criticise the ideas in the moment (unless they are blatantly ridiculous!). Recognise that not all random ideas require action. Sometimes she/he might just be brainstorming. I had a boss that did this! Over time I learnt that he frequently forgot our conversation. I also learnt to recognise which ideas would stick. I did this by noticing his frequent mention of them in conversations with me and others.

If it is not a stream of consciousness brainstorm, consider which ideas you can quickly or easily execute. Be positive about these. For the bigger more complex ideas, you might describe the anticipated resources or time commitment required. You could tactfully enquire how a new idea fits with the current (agreed) priorities – and what you might drop to accommodate the new work involved.

Work to understand your boss’s preferred communication and work style. For example try to assess whether they are an ‘in the moment’ type of person who likes to bounce new ideas around with people. This will make a big difference to how you respond. Do acknowledge their ideas – even when they are numerous! Sometimes they may just want you to listen rather than act. If they are expecting you to act, return to the priorities conversation and how their idea fits with that, and what other work you could drop.

The controlling and/or micro-managing boss

This behaviour is often due to the lack of an accountability culture or lack of trust. An accountability framework starts with agreeing what needs to be achieved, what resources are required, as well as agreeing timeframes and reporting mechanisms. If there is a misunderstanding of any of these issues, disappointment will ensue!

A crucial part of managing this situation is to ensure that you and your boss agree what needs to be done, by when, and how you will update them on progress. If you disagree, now is the time to politely explain why it can not or should not be done. Ask about your boss’s priorities and use these to shape the conversation. Link the conversation to your agreed objectives, especially if your boss is suggesting additional work that you don’t have capacity for.

When my clients report that their boss is too controlling and task oriented, we work on what I call the ‘What and How rule’. This involves allowing your boss to state WHAT they need to be achieved. Your role is then to determine HOW it will be done. The way to do this is to ask your boss WHAT questions (such as what outcome they are looking for). It is important to avoid allowing the conversation slip into details about the process of HOW it will be done. Obviously, it also requires agreement that it is possible to achieve the desired outcome within the set timescale.

The unconstructive or over critical boss

First, be honest with yourself. Is there any truth in the criticism? Try to establish the facts or evidence that has led to this point of view. For example, you could ask what has led him/her to believe this. Their answer will help you reflect on whether there might be genuine grounds for the criticism.

If the criticism is about you, do not blame your team (or someone else). When something has gone wrong – be accountable, apologise and agree to put it right (if it’s possible). If you are upset or stressed by the conversation, wait until you are in a calmer frame of mind to discuss it.

When the criticism relates to your team and you believe it to be unjustified, it is important that you become a buffer between negative comments and the team. Take opportunities to share genuine positive stories about the team and their successes. Give relevant examples of achievements.

It is important that you do not reciprocate criticism by criticising or undermining your boss with others, or in public. Your integrity will be at risk if you do this.

The moody, withdrawn or secretive boss

Take an interest in your boss as a person. A bad mood may reflect a problem at home and may not be personal to you. Remember that they have a home life, family, friends, and all the problems and anxieties that these can bring. Empathetic listening can help especially if the problem they are worried about is temporary.

However, if the problem persists and is impacting on you and others you may need to sympathetically raise it with them. Tackle unacceptable behaviour (sensitively) but choose the right time. You could try statements like… “I’ve noticed that when I say/do this you appear angry/cross/annoyed, and it makes me feel ….” Beginning your conversation with “I have noticed that…” and finishing it with “is there anything I can do to help?” can be helpful.

Understand that they may be under pressure and dealing with confidential issues that you are not aware of – cut them some slack! They may be stressed and dealing with their own fears and concerns.

Choose your time to tackle issues that are not time sensitive. If it can wait, avoid raising an issue or asking for something if they appear to be in a bad mood or preoccupied.

If there are problems to discuss, make sure you have some possible solutions to offer rather than simply listing the problems. Offer your thoughts on how you might resolve issues and ask for support and advice if you need it.

Finally, be clear about what you are prepared to live with and what you are not! If everything you have tried has not worked, it is important to remember that you are in the driving seat and quitting is certainly an option. However, before resigning do craft your exit plan as described in my earlier blog. To avoid making the same mistake, list what you want and expect from your next boss. Be realistic – no one is perfect!

The job market is currently in your favour. Employers are crying out for good people. Once you accept that you have control over your future, you will feel empowered to decide whether your job, your boss, and the organisation are right for you, your career, and your happiness at work.

may

Discover how to Live Your Best Life in 5 Steps

Posted by KCastilleChoice, Coaching, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

Do you ever worry that life is passing you by? Are you concerned you are not making the most of the opportunity life presents, and maybe one day you will realise it is all too late? If this rings true, you are not alone! These are fears that affect most of us.

The good news is that this does not have to be an abstract concern. In this article I explain a very practical approach you can take to make sure you are getting the most out of your life.

It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth – and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.

(Elisabeth Kubler-Ross)

We all want different things out of life. People mistakenly think ‘balance’ is what we need to aim for between, for example, home and work life. But it is less to do with balance and more to do with alignment. The noticeable difference comes when you spend more of your time on what you want out of life. It may sound simple, but it is astounding that most people do not necessarily follow this simple rule! When the time you spend is closely aligned with your hopes and dreams, you will get closer to realising your personal aspirations and living your own personal dream.

Follow these five simple steps to make it work for you:

1. Identify the main important areas in your life

The following life categories are a useful starting point:

Health and wellbeing
Work/career
Family and friends
Rest, play and pleasure
Growth, learning and development

Feel free to adapt the list to match what you assess as your main life categories. You may, for example, consider friends and extended family as a separate category to your immediate family. Perhaps you have specific spiritual needs, or want to finally get around to writing that book you have wanted to for the last few years. Or, maybe you have a hobby you enjoy doing that warrants its own category (I have playing tennis on my list!). Create the list of your categories that is right for you and your life.

2. Score how important each of these areas are to you

Assign yourself 100 points. Allocate these 100 points across all the areas, based on how important they are to you. Choose how many points you will allocate to work, how many to growth, learning and development etc. When added together, the number of points for all the areas must total 100. Look at your final allocation and make sure you are comfortable that the scoring reflects how important each area is to you (relative to the other areas).

3. Score how much of your time you currently spend in each area

As with the last exercise, assign yourself 100 points, but this time think of them as hypothetical aliquots of your time. Divide these 100 aliquots (percentage of time) across your listed areas based on how much time you actually spend on each – how many of the 100 aliquots of time do you spend on work, how many on family and friends, etc? Again, your individual scores should total 100, and should indicate the relative apportionment of your time on each area. Be honest with yourself – this needs to reflect how you actually spend your time, not how you think you ought to be spending it!

4. Compare the two lists

For most of us, the two lists show that how we spend our time does not match what is most important to us. Typically, we spend a disproportionate percentage of our time at work compared to the priority we actually give to it. Some of the things most important to us, in particular some of our key relationships, do not receive the time and attention their importance to us would suggest.

Awareness of the difference and disconnect between what we want and what we do is crucial to getting closer to living the life we want. Once you notice a disconnect between what you want and how you spend your time, you can move to step 5 and start to take action!

5. Take action to create more alignment between your two lists

Don’t expect to fix the difference between the two lists overnight! We often have demanding jobs that take up much of our time, and it is often not possible to change this straight away especially when the income is essential to maintaining your family. My advice is to pick one change you want to make that will have the biggest impact, and focus on that. It might, for example, be you want to spend more time with your family, or on improving your health. Consider what steps you can take to make this a reality.

I worked with a client who developed a side business designing and selling notebooks to supplement her income (as part of a larger plan to eventually move to part-time working!). She ingeniously involved her teenage daughter to help design the book covers. This meant she was able to spend more time doing fun things with her daughter as well as take positive steps to spending less time at work in the future.

After following the 5 steps, another client found a huge discord between work and family time. In addition to being at work, he was taking work home. Consequently, he spent very little time with his family, even when he was at home. He established a specific time when he committed to stop working and dedicated the evenings to focus on his family.

Parkinson’s Law states that work expands to fill the time available for its completion, and so even if you give work less of your time, it is still possible to achieve the same amount of work. This was certainly the experience of my client. He was amazed that his fear of not being able to be as effective at work if he stopped taking work home did not come to pass.

Time is your most precious resource. You only have one life. Consciously choosing how you spend your time, rather than allowing your time to be consumed by those who demand it most, is the key to living your own personal dream life.

apr

When your job makes you miserable, here’s how to decide to stay or quit.

Posted by KCastilleChange, Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Decision, Self-coachingNo Comments

We have all been there. The feeling of impending doom that starts midway through Sunday as the prospect of going back to work the next day looms large. The knot in your stomach that will not go away. The increasing tension in your neck and shoulders adds to the insomnia you’ve already got from worrying about it. All signs of stress and anxiety.

You may be reaching the point where you feel it is just not possible to continue like this for much longer. The burning question is, should you stay, or should you go?

You are probably receiving pressure from your friends and family to do something about it. You may even be blaming or punishing yourself. The temptation is to resign the next day and leave as soon as you can. But is this the right thing to do?

It is by no means uncommon. Last month alone 3 of my clients in different countries and with different roles raised this as an issue for them. In this situation, there are two things I help them work through. The first is to understand the cause of the discontent. This is important because it is only when we fully understand the problem that we can know whether (or not) it is fixable.

What (specifically) is the cause of your discontent?

There are a wide range of causes of unhappiness at work. It could, for example, be due to tension with a specific individual – a colleague or a boss. Many of us are uncomfortable with conflict. Operating in an environment of seemingly perpetual conflict can be extremely stressful.

Your angst might be due to the culture of the organisation. There are many features of culture which might be at odds with your values or preferred way of working. If, for example, the culture is haphazard, last minute and reactive, and you are an organised planner who thrives on certainty and preparing in advance, the clash between the organisational ways of working and your own preferences might be too much to bear.

The problem could also be linked to your perception of how valued you feel. If you are paid less than your peers, are consistently overlooked for promotion, or are taken for granted for the work you do, every passing week can be frustrating.

Recently, I am also finding that several of my clients are struggling with overwhelm. As mergers and acquisitions take place, people are laid off and the work piles up for those who remain. The job can feel untenable. The challenge of work may feel so demanding, both personally and emotionally, with seemingly very little respite or support. You may feel that you are at the end of what you can (or want to) cope with. Combine this with feeling unappreciated or undervalued and you have a recipe for quitting as your best option for respite.

What is the (real) problem you are trying to solve?

So, you can see how understanding the problem and establishing why you are feeling the need to leave is crucial. There are two reasons for this. First, it creates an opportunity to work on the specific cause of the problem. Continuing with the previous examples, do you need to figure out strategies to resolve conflict with your manager or colleague? Or perhaps you are wanting more recognition for the work you do? Or, maybe you need to ask for and establish more support.

The second reason is equally important. It is to make sure you do not move into a new situation which has the exact same problem!

Are you moving towards or away from something?

There are two types of goals. Think of these as ‘towards’ goals; or ‘away-from’ goals. Aim to create the former type of goal and avoid the latter. Anger or frustration can be a great motivator to persuade you to move but, as Dr Peter Fuda warns us, it is not sufficient for sustainable change.

A towards goal is one where you know what you want in the future and you actively work towards it. This might be to secure a salary increase, an executive-level position, a promotion, or move to work in a certain company or sector.

Away-from goals are those where you are trying to move away from your current problems. This can be illustrated as – you want a new job because you want to move away from your existing role to escape your current boss, rather than particularly wanting the new job you are moving to. One risk with away-from goals is that you may inadvertently create negative mental loops and negative self-talk about why you need to move.

The biggest risk with away-from goals is that when you move away from something, you may move towards something that is not what you really want. Even though you may have got rid of the problems of your old job, all you have really done is replace them with a set of different but equally stressful problems in a new role. Hence it is crucial to unearth the cause of your current stress and the reason you want to leave. In doing so, you can ensure that you do not inherit the same issues elsewhere.

After my clients have worked through and established the specific causes of their discontent, we work on developing an action plan for what to do next. If the root cause is potentially fixable, then the plan will focus on attempting to fix the issues identified. If leaving is evidently the best option, I support them to develop an exit plan as well as their action plan. Both plans are made up of small steps not big leaps! If you need more help to develop goals and a plan take a look at my earlier blog on this here.

Just because you have decided enough is enough and you want to quit, the next step is not necessarily to hand in your resignation letter immediately! There are three reasons why this is not a good idea. First, you are in a much stronger position to find a new job while you are still in your current one. Second, if you resign and leave rapidly, you may feel pressurised to find a new role quickly which could result in you accepting a role that is suboptimal. This can hugely increase the risk of experiencing difficulties in your new role. Third, it is better to leave on the best terms possible (however bad you are feeling about your current employer!). They may be able to help you – and you never know what the future holds.

Your exit plan

An exit plan starts by exploring and developing opportunities for yourself and your future. Start by listing what you do and don’t want.

Make a list of the characteristics of your dream job. Be clear on which of these you are prepared to compromise on and which ones you are not.

Next it is important to alert and invigorate your existing networks. Re-connect with those you have not been in touch with for a while. Let people know that you are actively looking for work. Register with recruitment agencies. If your relationship with your boss is good (and this was not your main reason for wanting to leave), ask them for help and support. They may be able to connect you with others in their network, or alert you to opportunities that they are aware of.

Putting your exit plan together can be liberating. It helps you confirm to yourself that you really are leaving and there is a way forward. It creates choices, opportunities, and momentum. Without such a plan you may feel disempowered and devoid of choice. Crucially, it is your plan. Rather than leave in haste, make your plan work to your own needs, wishes and time-scale.

However bad things seem in the moment, reflect on the situation and work to understand what might really be going on. Resist the urge to walk away immediately without a plan. Take time to understand why things are so bad – coaching can help with this if you are not sure. Work on a plan to either resolve issues or to move to a brighter future. When you take proactive control in this way you will ensure that things will get better.

feb

Redefining happiness: 4 things you need to know about how to be happy.

Posted by KCastilleChoice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

No one ever complained about being too happy! Let’s be honest, we can’t get enough of it.

Happiness, – it’s that wonderful feeling you get when life feels good and you are making the most of it. Pursuing happiness is a recognised human endeavour. Why? Well, there is plenty of evidence to show that it positively affects our health, wellbeing, how long we live, how successful we are and how content with our lot we feel.

My late friend and colleague, Sheila, is probably the happiest, most positive person I have known. That is not to say she had an easy life. She had several different types of cancer at different times and endured gruelling treatments. Yet, honestly, I never heard her complain – not just about her predicament, about anything!

She had a perpetual happy, contented look about her. An inner peace and calm seemed to rest within her. Despite bad things, she saw good in the world.

So, what is meant by happiness and what do we need to know about it to help us find our own happiness?

1. Happiness is a feeling of contentment

The first important thing to understand is that happiness is different to the sudden feeling of excitement, elation, or joy, you sometimes get with good news. It is obviously associated with these feelings but, rather than a burst of ecstatic elation, happiness is more of a ‘slow burn’ sense that all is well, live is worth living and you are content with your life. It is more akin to cosy burning embers than a blazing ferocious fire.

In positive psychology research, it is referred to as subjective wellbeing, or SWB.

Many factors are thought to collectively contribute to happiness: a job you enjoy; an income that supports you; and positive family and social relationships. Of these, research has found that positive relationships with your partner, close family, and friends are a pivotal aspect of how happy you feel.

2. Happiness is transient

Despite Sheila’s unyielding positivity and seemingly persistent happiness, it is important to understand that happiness is a transient state. It is fleeting and changeable but does tend to last longer than the instant feeling of ecstatic elation that comes with an exciting event or news. Thus, happiness is neither a rapidly dissipated experience nor a constant steady one. It is somewhere between the two.

It is all about contrast. Without darkness we would not welcome the light. If we never experienced feeling cold, we would not appreciate being warm. And so, it follows that if you never experienced sadness or disappointment, you would not be aware of feeling happy.

The take-away from this is that you must not expect to be happy at every moment of every day. Contrast is what gives us perspective. The trick is, when you are happy, notice it, ‘milk it’, enjoy it, savour every moment. This will help the feeling last longer and will produce the happy hormones that make you feel good.

3. You can produce your own sense of happiness

This is not about ignoring the bad or sad things that occur in your life. Instead, on those groundhog days when things seem mundane, repetitive and lacklustre, you can create a sense of happiness for yourself. How? Well – and I know you have heard this before, but it does work – practice gratitude for the good things in your life. Notice what you appreciate and savour the moment as though it might be the last time you experience it.

If you are planning a hedonistic event or extravagant purchase to make you happy, be warned, research has shown that although you may experience pleasure whilst it is happening, it rarely leads to happiness. In terms of the experience, when it’s gone, it’s gone!

I am lucky enough to spend six months of each year living by the sea. It would be easy to take this for granted, but I don’t! Every morning I wake up – yes EVERY Morning – I open the window and I see it, hear it and smell it. I say to myself how privileged I am to experience this for six months of the year. For the months when I do not have the sea outside my window, I dream of it, I get pleasure out of simply recalling how it felt at the time. It is a little like looking at a photograph of a lovely time you once had and recreating the moment of pleasure it gave you.

It is also that contrast concept working again. When we don’t have something, we often appreciate it more.

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” (William Shakespeare, Hamlet)

4. Positive Thinking

For thousands of years, our brains have been trained to look for problems and danger. Unfortunately, we still have this habit.

This may sound like a cliché, but it is incredibly powerful and impactful if you can learn to quell the Eeyore, that rests inside each and every one of us, and replace him with a Tigger.

I could, if I chose, be miserable for the six months I am away from my sea-side window. Instead, I have taught myself to focus on the positive, rather than dwell on the downside of the situation. When I am away from it, I recall it and appreciate it, but I also make a point of noticing what I have now such as beautiful flowers, countryside scenes or cosy fireplaces. In short, I become a cheerleader rather than a nit-picker.

Notice what is great about your world and create your own personal narrative to shape your view of the world. Repeat it to yourself regularly. A big tip is to reduce the amount of time you spend listening to the news or reading negative news feeds. Positive stories rarely make the news, so we are seeing a biased and negative view of the world. Your positive narrative will help you approach each day with appreciation, optimism, and positive thoughts.

“The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it.” (Thich Nhat Hanh)

Sadly, the world lost Sheila in October, 2014. She had a huge impact on me (a good one) and the countless others who met her. Despite her dire circumstances, she exuded kindness and an unprecedented sense of contentment. It washed off on me every moment I spent with her.

Optimism and happiness (as well as pessimism and cynicism) are known to be contagious so make a point of being around optimistic, happy people.

Happiness is not something that fortuitously happens to some people and not to others. There are small changes you can make to help bring about a happier life. Micro changes in the way you think, behave, and live your life can and do make a huge difference. Try it!

RIP – Sheila Rose Adams

feb

How to thrive and grow your resilience – 10 tactics

Posted by KCastilleChoice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Leadership, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

My mother was ill from the day I was born. She died of a cruel, incapacitating disease that left deep scars for me and my two brothers. My father worked seven days a week to keep us fed and clothed, but this meant that our parenting was minimal. We were three proverbial ‘latch-key’ kids. From a young age, we endured and learned to cope with our plight and largely unsupervised lives.

The upside? We didn’t know it then, but we were inadvertently building immense skills and resilience which would serve us well in our adult lives.

How are you doing in these crazy times? Perhaps you are feeling lonely, disappointed, overwhelmed, or stressed. COVID-19 is certainly testing our resilience and will, undoubtedly, be adding to the levels of stress you normally contend with. The issues confronting you may range from minor setbacks such as holidays being cancelled, right through to full blown traumatic, life changing experiences such as losing your job or even losing a loved one.

So, what is resilience and how can you strengthen it?

Resilience helps you adapt and spring back from adversity and recover more quickly from the difficulties you encounter. It affects how you behave, think, feel, act, and cope when you are challenged by negative experiences.

Resilient people find a way to change course, emotionally heal, and continue moving toward their goals

(Psychology Today)

Some people are more resilient than others. Learning from a challenging or distressing situation in the past builds your resilience and help you deal with similar situations in the future.

However, irrespective of previous experiences, anyone can learn healthy ways to handle adversity and develop resilience. Here are a few ways to get you started:

1. Control

Change is inevitable. Sometimes, even though it is undesirable, the changes you encounter may be out of your control leaving you powerless to do anything about it. You can neither undo it, nor go back. Focusing on the things you can control, rather than those you cannot, will help you. Ask yourself what is in my control and what is not. Create options and actions to deal with the things that are in your locus of control. Then, adjust your current plans and goals to reflect your new circumstances.

2. Catastrophising

This happens when an undesirable situation is threatened or has happened and we assume the worst possible outcome will occur. Yet there are probably many different outcomes that might result from the situation. An example of catastrophising is when someone (e.g. your partner or child) is late home. You may immediately start to imagine the worst has happened to them when they might just be late!

If you are prone to catastrophising, cultivate the habit of thinking of all the possible outcomes, not just the negative ones. Whatever you think will not affect the outcome, but it will affect you and how you feel about the situation.

3. Break negative thought cycles

When we are at a low ebb or feeling overwhelmed, we sometimes get stuck in negative thought patterns. Typical language is what I call “if only” language. For example, “if only I had done this – or not done that…”. Of course, you may be correct in your assertion but, since there is no going back, it is not helpful to you or your situation to think this. Self-blame or blaming others is also a typical negative thought pattern.

If you notice your thoughts slipping into a negative spiral, focus on gratitude. Ask yourself, in that moment, what you are grateful for and focus on things that bring you joy. For more tips on how to think positive thoughts, check out my previous blog here

4. Find upsides to undesirable situations

This can be hard to do but some people do it naturally. Imagine someone has just been told that they did not get the job they applied for. Some people begin to craft a positive narrative for themselves saying things like, “actually, it was a much longer commute so, in a way, it is a good thing I didn’t get it. If you are disappointed by something, try to think about a good effect that has inadvertently transpired.

5. Give yourself permission

When you face an undesirable experience or event, whatever you feel, it is (initially) important to acknowledge and give yourself permission to feel it. This might be anger, distress, annoyance, disappointment, frustration, anguish, pain and so on. Once you have acknowledged how you feel, try to focus on how you want to feel and what small thing you can do today to help you move on. This is where the traditional advice to “have a nice cup of tea” comes from – I feel sure! Tea has soothed many a disappointment!

6. Contact someone you love and trust

Share your distress with a trusted friend or relative – someone who cares about you and will support you through your situation. There is some truth in the old adage, a problem shared is a problem halved. The important point here is to ask for and accept help and emotional support from people. In these Covid times, this may be as simple as a chat over the phone.

7. Small steps

Ask yourself: what small thing can I do today to help me handle this new situation? There is always something you can do. Using the failed job interview example, you might make an appointment with the recruiter for feedback, or begin searching for other opportunities.

8. Nurture your physical and mental health

Stress produces both a physical and emotional response in your body. This makes it even more important that you look after your physical and mental health when you are distressed.

Seemingly small things will help, such as going for a walk outside in the fresh air. Pets are also great comforters! Just being with your pet can be calming and levelling, especially when you take time to notice their loyalty, happiness, or antics.

Make a healthy meal for yourself even if you don’t feel like it. Make something nutritious, quick and easy like soup, baked beans, eggs, etc. Some people view bad news as a time to ‘treat’ themselves to things such as chocolates, cakes, alcohol, or cigarettes help them through the situation. This doesn’t work! In fact, it fuels further addiction and there will be a price to pay when you are feeling better!

Mindfulness, meditation and breathing exercises can help you feel calm. There is often mystique around such practices, but don’t be afraid of giving it a go. Mindfulness and meditation are not exclusively reserved for Tibetan monks! It involves bringing your attention to the present. Nowadays there are plenty of free resources on the internet to help you to practice these. Even 5 minutes a day can make a difference.

9. Write it down

Spend a few minutes writing down your deepest thoughts and feelings. This can be both cathartic and liberating. Don’t worry about grammar or spelling, focus on the issue or event that is troubling you, and how it has affected you. This technique is often used in psychotherapy and is known to be helpful.

Next, make a list of all the positive things in your life and those things you are grateful for. Recalling and appreciating the good things in your life, despite your undesired situation, will help you cope with the change in circumstances.

10. Be compassionate towards yourself

This is often easier said than done. We tend to beat ourselves up with negative self-talk. One way to avoid this is to imagine that your situation is happening to a friend rather than you. What would you do or say to help them? How would you behave? Your answers should then be applied to how you treat yourself. Being compassionate and forgiving of yourself and others can help you to let go and move on from negative emotions such as anger, blame and resentment.

We all experience traumatic situations and feel emotionally distressed at times.

Resilience does not mean having no difficulties in your life. On the contrary, it is built by experiencing challenges, heartache, pain and emotional distress just like the childhood events me and my brothers endured. Although it might not feel like it at the time, we grow and learn from such difficult experiences. Surprisingly, this is how resilience is built. And, when we are resilient, we learn to cope and move forward with our life.

For many people, embracing the strategies above will be sufficient to get them though difficult situations and help them build their resilience.

Most people adapt well (over time) to life-changing and distressing situations. However, despite the suggestions in this article, if you have experienced something distressing and feel unable to carry out your daily life activities, please do seek help from a trusted professional.

Take care!

jan

How to make your New Year goal stick.

Posted by KCastilleChange, Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Self-coachingNo Comments

It is your life. What do you want to do with it?

To improve some area of your life, you’ve probably already made a New Year resolution or set a goal?

However, anyone who has tried (and failed) to give up smoking, lose weight, go to the gym knows that it is harder that is sounds. Intention alone is not enough! Sticking to goals requires you to make a new habit or break and existing one.

To compound matters, according to research by the University of Scranton, the depressing fact is that 92 percent of people do not achieve their New Year resolutions or goals. Worse still, Strava (the social network for athletes) found that by 12^th of January most people will have given up!

So why bother!

No one is perfectly happy. No one has a perfect life. To err is human. So, when we blunder or fail at something, we are driven to correct it and improve a less than perfect situation. Hence, we set goals (or make resolutions) to improve things. This involves finding ways to undo bad habits and create new, good, habits. All easier said than done!

The good news is there are evidence-based things you can do to make it more likely that you will stick to your goal – to lose weight, cut back the booze, do more exercise, spend less time on the internet or more time with the kids, or whatever it is you want to accomplish.

Breaking bad habits

To achieve goals and resolutions we must do some new things, or stop doing some old things. This necessitates making new or breaking and replacing old habits. However, changing existing habits is hard because in addition to the undesirable consequences that we are trying to get rid of, bad habits also offer rewards. Let’s face it, people get immense pleasure from smoking, drinking alcohol or eating sweet things.

According to Charles Duhigg, an expert in habits, you must change your current routine and make it easier to do a new one. For example, if you want to exercise or go for a run, put your gym kit or running clothes by your bed and put them on as soon as you wake up. Once you have your running gear on it is harder to choose not to go. The next step is to create rewards to help make it stick.

Reward your craving brain

Based on the rewards you get, your brain creates cravings. Cravings create habits – bad ones such as cigarettes, alcohol and chocolate, as well as good ones such as cleaning your teeth, taking a shower or doing exercise. All these habits, bad or good, provide you with some form of pleasure.

If you want to break an undesirable craving, try to figure out what is triggering it. What reward are you getting from it and how can you still get this reward by creating a different habit? So, for example, when you are feeling stressed and need a break, if you normally take a break with a cigarette, find a way to take the break (the reward) but without the cigarette. Make your break a lovely experience that you look forward to. Each time you do it, you become more likely to repeat the behaviour.

Pre-plan your rewards (small treats). Coffee is often my ultimate treat. For you it will be something else. It might be a lovely hot shower, smoothie, herbal tea, or reading a chapter of your favourite book. Only you can say what is a treat for you. Obviously, make it something that is not going to sabotage your main goal! If you go for a run and promise yourself a cream cake afterwards, it undermines your goal to get healthy, fit, slim or whatever your goal is.

Not sticking to your goal is less about laziness or lack of self-control. It is down to the method you use to accomplish it! So, below are 12 evidence-based ways to help you increase your chances of achieving that elusive thing you’ve wanted for so long.

1. Visualise what you want – in detail. Detail will make it real for you. Picture what it will look like and feel like when you achieve it. Look forward to it, imagine it. Keep it front of mind. Think about it every night as you drift off to sleep.

2. Make it your priority! Schedule your daily actions towards it and stick to your self-promise that you will do it. Change your internal self-talk to “I’ll do whatever it takes”.

3. Write it down. Use your device if you must, but good old-fashioned pen and paper has been shown to instil more commitment. Put it somewhere you can see it daily.

4. Remind yourself why you want it. Answering ‘why’ it is important to you and linking it to your purpose and meaning is a powerful motivator.

5. Tell a supportive person you are doing it. This makes it more likely that you will stick to it because you don’t want to let them down, and they can help spur you on when you are feeling less motivated.

6. Make it incremental. Break a big goal or resolution down into little things you can do against it every day. Running is a good example of incremental upgrades – from walking, to jogging, to running.

7. Create a craving and make it a routine – like cleaning your teeth! If you are like me, you wouldn’t think of going to bed without cleaning your teeth. I sometimes clean my teeth after my evening meal because there is no way I will eat chocolate or drink alcohol after I have cleaned my teeth. It works for me!

8. Use positive emotions and rewards around your new routine that are both pleasurable and achievable. Only you can determine what a reward or treat is for you.

9. Plan to do something everyday against your goal – no matter how small. This will make it feel doable and over time you will see progress. It will build your confidence and get some early success under your belt. Your goal can be long term, but the steps you take must be short-term (e.g. daily).

10. List the potential barriers to success – what might hold you back or stop you? Put things in place to mitigate these. If you know that you eat chocolate late at night, don’t buy it or keep it the house!

11. Review your success frequently. This is easily done, for example with a binary tick list of your daily actions, e.g. did you do it? Yes or No? I use a step counting device so that I know each day that I am achieving my goal of 14,000 steps.

12. Celebrate and reward your progress – no matter how small. Rewards increase motivation. It is important to trigger a reward after a positive behaviour. List small rewards that you will treat yourself to when you have completed a small step.

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Goals should be difficult but not impossible, so dream big (audacious goals are compelling), but, according to Sabina Nawaz, in HBR, you must start small. Equally, playing it safe with goals that are too easy will not get you to your dream!

Furthermore, fewer is better – one goal that you focus on and achieve is better than 6 that you give up on. Make sure it is something you really want and within your control to achieve it.

Be determined, commit. Positive language will help you. Avoid words like I may, I should, I’ll try. Say “I will” and state by when you will do it. Be specific e.g. I will go for a 20-minute walk, 4 days a week and after I have done it I will enjoy an amazing cup of coffee.

Imagine how you will feel when you have achieved it. Picture it, feel it, dream about it! People who do this increase their chances of success. Success has little to do with how clever you are. Rather, it is linked to your determination, energy and your knowledge of what drives, motivates and rewards you.

Accept setbacks as a temporary phenomenon and find a way to get back on track – this may mean adjusting the steps to easier ones (to begin with), until you have created a new habit.

Don’t put off your life. This is your life and it is happening now. You can choose to be who and what you want to be.

Some people work hard to achieve what they want from life. Others wait and watch things happening to them. Which do you want to be?

oct

7 Habits Of Positive People – and how to practice them

Posted by KCastilleChange, Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Leadership, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

Everyone has ups and downs but how do you stay positive in difficult times?

You know that sinking feeling when something has gone badly wrong in your life. You didn’t get the job; someone is being unpleasant or difficult; you dented the car; someone got sick; or things just generally aren’t going to plan. Sadly, no one is exempt! The inevitable sad times, disappointments, frustrations and setbacks can leave you feeling unhappy, worried and afraid.

If it is not kept in check, negativity can ‘infect’ your other thoughts and deeds and your wellbeing. Dealing with bad times is only half the story. The main difference between positive and negative people is that positive people don’t allow bad experiences to colour how they see and feel about everything else. Somehow, they are able to compartmentalise and process bad things while still feeling optimistic about other aspects of their life. Their cheerful sense of optimism helps them feel happy and positive about the future and instils confidence, calmness, and positivity.

positive people don’t allow bad experiences to colour how they see and feel about everything else.

If you are not naturally a positive person, the good news is, you can change this! After a short while of training your brain to be more positive, you will start to feel happier and have a sunnier disposition. The 7 habits below are based on positive psychology and, with practice, will set you on your way to feeling more positive and appreciative of your life.

1. Expect good things to happen

The power of positive expectation is a well-documented phenomenon. A quick check of how positive you are is to ask yourself – when you receive an unmarked envelope in the post, do you expect it to be good news or bad?

Whatever you are doing, even if it is something scary and new, expect it to go well. When you do, astonishingly, the likelihood of it going well is increased! The converse is also true. Sports professionals know this – if they expect to lose, they are more likely to lose.

Remember that trying something that you could potentially fail is scary, but not trying at all can create the even worse feelings of regret.

2. Recall positive moments from the past

Keeping mementos around you will help remind you of happy positive times. Everything counts if it brings to mind a moment in time when you felt happy and well, and recalling it makes you feel good. Photos, cards, celebratory trophies, wedding albums etc. will help you to re-conjure the moment. I keep a few things on my desk – a glass award paper weight, a lovely card from my husband, a gift pen from a friend. They help me create a happy place to escape to for just a few moments when I need to.

3. Plan something nice or exciting

Even small things will have a positive effect on your brain, such as planning to watch your favourite box set, meeting someone for coffee, going out for a walk. This doesn’t mean doing the nice thing right now. It is more about triggering the brains ‘happy’ hormones by spending time throughout the day, the week or year thinking about the event – whatever it is – and looking forward to it.

It works for longer-term yearning too, such as planning a holiday, looking forward to Christmas, an upcoming birthday, a new baby’s arrival or a wedding.

4. Be appreciative and grateful

There is a large body of support these days for gratitude journals and notebooks. I admit it! I was a little sceptical at first but, trust me, it works! Even something as simple as recording 3 positive things from your day before you go to bed works. The spin-off benefit is that you will probably get a better night’s sleep too!

5. Celebrate more than you normally do

Find things to celebrate. It’s not hard once you get the knack. The best example of this is my husband who does this with consummate ease! He is always finding something to celebrate. His birthday is February 11^th. From early August he starts to get very excited about his upcoming “half birthday” which occurs on August 11^th! Initially I regarded his half-birthday concept as quite amusing (if a little childish!). However, since learning more about how the brain works in relation to optimism and positivity, I’ve come to realise that he is creating things to celebrate so that his brain can produce positive hormones. He has unwittingly been practicing these habits all his life which is how he has become an exceptionally positive, happy person.

6. Reframe your mindset

When your mindset is negative it ‘infects’ your other thoughts. You begin to frame everything around you as negative. Bizarrely, you collude with this negativity and start to attract more negative things. The opposite is also true. When you think positively, you notice and attract more positive things in your life. The key here is that although it may not always feel this way, you do have choice. You can choose to think positively by blocking and overwriting negative thoughts with positive ones. Try it! Do a deal with yourself that for the next 20 minutes you will not accept negative thoughts.

7. Notice positive things

To help reframe your mindset, start to proactively notice and acknowledge positive things. Positive things happen all the time, we just don’t always register them. It could be a positive email, a nice comment from a friend or loved one, a lovely sun rise, a waggy tailed dog or purring cat. They all count and serve to feed your brain with good thoughts.

Life is full of ups and downs. Sad and distressing things happen. Negative emotions such as anger, stress, fear, sadness, and disappointment have their place in helping us work through difficult and distressing times. The point of this article is not to dismiss these emotions. Acknowledging how you feel is a big part of working through challenging situations and moving on. Instead my message is that we can learn to reserve negative emotions for when life is tough.

When I was being overly negative, my wonderful mentor (the late Professor Aidan Halligan, an obstetrician) asked me “how many babies died today Karen”? In his world, a baby dying was the worst thing that could possibly happen. Of course, my answer was “none” which helped me realise that I was overreacting to my situation.

As humans our primeval instincts often evoke fear and stress when we don’t necessarily need to. If we train ourselves to think and feel more positive, we are more able to reserve negativity and the associated negative emotions for the times when they are warranted. The result is that we will feel happier and more grateful for the wonderful life that we have.

may

How to take back control when things are not going your way.

Posted by KCastilleChange, Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Self-coachingNo Comments

Like most people, when things are not going my way I can resort to complaining.

But is my venting just a moan, or am I actively working to change an unacceptable situation? The former perspective portrays me as a victim, the latter as a champion of my own destiny. I know which label I prefer!

I remember a time when I was convinced that my boss did not like me and was, in my view, treating me unfairly compared to my colleagues. At that time, I worked shifts and it seemed to me that she (my boss) repeatedly allocated all the undesirable and unwanted shifts to me. I remember being rostered to work four consecutive Christmases in a row. I did more night shifts than the others, and most of the bank holidays were, yes you’ve guessed, allocated to me. To exacerbate my disquiet even further, I applied for funding support to do my Masters degree and was refused, despite other colleagues being fully supported. Yet, moaning about these situations did not help me!

The psychology of victim thinking is that we look to blame others, or external circumstances out of our control, for the things that are not going well in our lives. It is so easy to blame someone else for our troubles – our friends, employers, the government, and even our loved ones. When we do this we are giving our sense of control and power away. This can foster negative feelings such as helplessness, frustration, anger, resentment, anxiety and low self-worth. Inadvertently, we risk portraying ourselves as poor unfortunates who need to be rescued from this stuck, unhappy state!

Viktor Emil Frankl was an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist and a Holocaust survivor. He wrote over 39 books and is particularly renowned for his best-selling book Man’s Search for Meaning based on his experiences in various Nazi concentration camps. We have much to learn from him about avoiding victim behaviour and exercising choice.

“The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.” Viktor E. Frankl

The reality is we always have choice. We can choose to opt for victim behaviour, and wear people down with our endless tales of woe about how the world has conspired to prevent us from getting what we want or the opportunities we deserve. Or, we can choose to respond differently to the unfavourable situation and hold ourselves and others to account for helping make the new desired state happen.

As a coach I work with all sorts or different people in different circumstances. Take Chris and Alex, for example (real people but not their real names). Both were well qualified and experienced and had applied for an executive position. Both were unsuccessful and approached me to support them in their application for another role. I was curious about their reactions to the situation and struck by their respective different responses to similar disappointing news.

Chris talked earnestly about the situation and told me: “I’ve booked a meeting with them to get feedback on how I did and what I could do better on” and “the good news is I’ve spotted an even better job and so, in a way, it’s OK that I didn’t get it”.

When I asked Alex similar questions the response was “I think it was a stitch-up” and “it was the Chairman’s fault that I didn’t get it, I could tell that he didn’t like me at the interview”.

Chris seemed to instinctively avoid becoming a victim of the unfavourable circumstances and viewed the negative result with an internal locus of control by accepting personal responsibility for the outcome and committing to do better at the next opportunity. Alex, however, did the opposite. I noticed subtle signals of victim behaviour creeping in. The negative result of the interview was attributed to factors, or people, outside of Alex’s control.

In this real example Chris remained positive and optimistic whilst Alex fell into victim behaviour, expressing feelings of anger and disempowerment. Clearly, my sample of two people does not constitute scientific evidence!

It is not always easy to maintain a positive mindset – especially in the face of adversity. One way to avoid victim behaviour is to step outside of the circumstances for a moment and ask yourself three questions:

What am I feeling right now?
What part am I (inadvertently) playing in perpetuating the way I feel?
What can I do, that is within my control, to change things?

When I was complaining about my boss treating me unfairly, I was inadvertently edging towards victim behaviour. Only when we accept that events are largely a result of our choices and actions are we likely to be more pro-active in shaping our own lives. I accept that it is easier said than done, but having an awareness that we can change things for the better is a step in the right direction.

The end of my story was good! Eventually I stopped moaning and realised that it was in my gift to change my situation. I applied for and got a new job with a new supportive boss. In doing so, I rejected blame and a victim mind-set and accepted responsibility to improve my situation.

This is not about minimising situations where people have fallen victim to terrible or unlawful circumstances. Such incidents clearly warrant our unreserved empathy, compassion, and support.

Notwithstanding this, to be effective, I know that I must embrace the belief that I can consider my options, exert control over my choice, then take positive action to improve my situation. In doing so, I place the issue within my locus of control and acknowledge that I have the power to make change happen. I encourage you to do the same.

feb

Hope is not a plan: 3 steps to make hope work for you

Posted by KCastilleChoice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Leadership, Leadership and Change, Self-coachingNo Comments

Are you waiting, hoping, or even praying for something good to happen? Something that will change your life for the better?

Maybe you’re hoping for a new job, a promotion or a new career?

Or, perhaps you are hoping to get fit, lose weight or improve your work-life balance?

Hoping something will change or happen is rather like daydreaming, wishing or wanting something. The trouble with hope is it is only part of the story and will only get you so far.

Nelson Mandela hinted at the concept of ‘hope’ when he talked about vision. He famously said:

Vision without action is merely daydreaming

Creating a vision for a more positive future is similar to hoping for something. Consequently, ‘hope’ without action is also merely daydreaming.

I don’t want to mislead you with an entirely negative portrayal of ‘hope’. Being hopeful can feel highly positive. However, this only holds true if you know how to optimise your hopefulness and convert it into reality.

How to make ‘hope’ work for you.

Hoping for something can be motivational and inspire you to take positive action towards whatever you are hoping for. This is easy to see when, for example, we plan a house move, a wedding, or a holiday. We become excited about it and this compels us, almost inadvertently, to take steps towards making it happen.

You can make hope work for you by, firstly, visualising what you hope for. The effect of this is so powerful that your brain releases positive neurochemicals (such as dopamine and endorphins) which intensify your motivation as well as making you feel good.

Astonishingly, neuroscientists have found that when you recall or imagine a positive experience, the effect is almost as potent as when you do it for real. It positively affects your sense of well-being, even though it is only in your thoughts!

So how do you convert your hopefulness into a powerful vision that compels you to act and achieve what you hope for?

How to visualise what you hope for

Imagine for a moment how you feel when you think about (or visualise) an upcoming holiday.

Picture the wonderful things you will see, feel and experience. Imagine how will you feel when you leave your stresses behind and enjoy a break from the worries and pressures of everyday life.

To make it really work for you, visualisation needs detail.

Conjure in your head the images, smells, sounds, feelings, colours etc. If it is a holiday (for example) you’re hoping for, picture the beautiful sights you will see. The blue sea, white sand, the snow, the mountains, the lakes, the trees or whatever it is that attracted you to the holiday in the first place. Imagine the sun warming your skin, the sand between your toes or the taste of the cocktail as you watch the sun set. Feel the snow crunching under your boots, the frost on your nose or the swish of your skis as you glide down the beautiful mountain slope.

Most important of all, think about how you will feel when you achieve what you hope for.

You will start to feel real feelings. You will probably feel excited, relaxed or happy just by the thought of it, even though you are only thinking about it rather than actually doing it.

People who market and sell holidays know this. That’s why they bombard us with images of stunning sunsets, beaches, forests, mountains, happy people and so on. They are using images, words and sounds to create a ‘feel-good factor’ every time we look at their website, brochure, or video.

Hence, ‘hoping’, day-dreaming, desiring, visualising – however you wish to describe it – can make you feel mentally and physically good.

Sadly though, as soon as we put the brochure down or close the website and return to our daily tasks, the positive feelings subside.

The question then, is how do we make the feel-good mood last?

How to keep the feel-good factor going.

Mr Mandela inspired us to dream. He also knew how to maximise hopes and dreams. In the last part of his speech he said…

Vision with action can change the world

Changing the world is a mighty big ambition! Your hopes and dreams may not be quite as far reaching. Nonetheless, whatever you hope for is within your grasp. Research has shown that to achieve even a giant-sized, scary, ambitious goal, you are more likely to succeed if you take lots of small steps or actions which feel doable and achievable.

Every time you complete an action – no matter how small – it will make you feel good and you will be one step closer to converting your hopes and dreams into reality.

Day by day, step by step, you will move closer towards that which you long for. So, in conclusion,

These 3 things will make hope work for you:

1. Visualise what you are hoping for – in detail. Imagine what you will feel, see, hear, smell, taste?

2. Take small steps (actions) today to get you closer to what you hope for?

3. List the next steps – and when you have completed those, list the next ones, and so on until you get there.

You may not be aiming to change the world. But you can use your hopes and dreams as a positive force for change. Use it to frame and motivate yourself to take positive actions towards your desired outcome.

Be inspired by Mr Mandela. Begin to convert whatever it is you hope for into action. Start today with the first small step.