2
feb
0

How to thrive and grow your resilience – 10 tactics

Posted by Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Leadership, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

My mother was ill from the day I was born.  She died of a cruel, incapacitating disease that left deep scars for me and my two brothers.  My father worked seven days a week to keep us fed and clothed, but this meant that our parenting was minimal.  We were three proverbial ‘latch-key’ kids.  From a young age, we endured and learned to cope with our plight and largely unsupervised lives.

The upside?  We didn’t know it then, but we were inadvertently building immense skills and resilience which would serve us well in our adult lives.

How are you doing in these crazy times?  Perhaps you are feeling lonely, disappointed, overwhelmed, or stressed.  COVID-19 is certainly testing our resilience and will, undoubtedly, be adding to the levels of stress you normally contend with.  The issues confronting you may range from minor setbacks such as holidays being cancelled, right through to full blown traumatic, life changing experiences such as losing your job or even losing a loved one.

So, what is resilience and how can you strengthen it?

Resilience helps you adapt and spring back from adversity and recover more quickly from the difficulties you encounter.  It affects how you behave, think, feel, act, and cope when you are challenged by negative experiences.

Resilient people find a way to change course, emotionally heal, and continue moving toward their goals

(Psychology Today)

Some people are more resilient than others.  Learning from a challenging or distressing situation in the past builds your resilience and help you deal with similar situations in the future.

However, irrespective of previous experiences, anyone can learn healthy ways to handle adversity and develop resilience.  Here are a few ways to get you started:

1. Control

Change is inevitable.  Sometimes, even though it is undesirable, the changes you encounter may be out of your control leaving you powerless to do anything about it.  You can neither undo it, nor go back.  Focusing on the things you can control, rather than those you cannot, will help you.  Ask yourself what is in my control and what is not.  Create options and actions to deal with the things that are in your locus of control.  Then, adjust your current plans and goals to reflect your new circumstances.

2. Catastrophising

This happens when an undesirable situation is threatened or has happened and we assume the worst possible outcome will occur.  Yet there are probably many different outcomes that might result from the situation.  An example of catastrophising is when someone (e.g. your partner or child) is late home.  You may immediately start to imagine the worst has happened to them when they might just be late!

If you are prone to catastrophising, cultivate the habit of thinking of all the possible outcomes, not just the negative ones.  Whatever you think will not affect the outcome, but it will affect you and how you feel about the situation.

3. Break negative thought cycles

When we are at a low ebb or feeling overwhelmed, we sometimes get stuck in negative thought patterns.  Typical language is what I call “if only” language.  For example, “if only I had done this – or not done that…”.  Of course, you may be correct in your assertion but, since there is no going back, it is not helpful to you or your situation to think this.  Self-blame or blaming others is also a typical negative thought pattern.

If you notice your thoughts slipping into a negative spiral, focus on gratitude.  Ask yourself, in that moment, what you are grateful for and focus on things that bring you joy.  For more tips on how to think positive thoughts, check out my previous blog here 

4. Find upsides to undesirable situations

This can be hard to do but some people do it naturally.  Imagine someone has just been told that they did not get the job they applied for.  Some people begin to craft a positive narrative for themselves saying things like, “actually, it was a much longer commute so, in a way, it is a good thing I didn’t get it.  If you are disappointed by something, try to think about a good effect that has inadvertently transpired.

5. Give yourself permission

When you face an undesirable experience or event, whatever you feel, it is (initially) important to acknowledge and give yourself permission to feel it.  This might be anger, distress, annoyance, disappointment, frustration, anguish, pain and so on.  Once you have acknowledged how you feel, try to focus on how you want to feel and what small thing you can do today to help you move on.  This is where the traditional advice to “have a nice cup of tea” comes from – I feel sure!  Tea has soothed many a disappointment!

6. Contact someone you love and trust

Share your distress with a trusted friend or relative – someone who cares about you and will support you through your situation.  There is some truth in the old adage, a problem shared is a problem halved.  The important point here is to ask for and accept help and emotional support from people.  In these Covid times, this may be as simple as a chat over the phone.

7. Small steps

Ask yourself: what small thing can I do today to help me handle this new situation?  There is always something you can do.  Using the failed job interview example, you might make an appointment with the recruiter for feedback, or begin searching for other opportunities.

8. Nurture your physical and mental health

Stress produces both a physical and emotional response in your body.  This makes it even more important that you look after your physical and mental health when you are distressed.

Seemingly small things will help, such as going for a walk outside in the fresh air.  Pets are also great comforters!  Just being with your pet can be calming and levelling, especially when you take time to notice their loyalty, happiness, or antics.

Make a healthy meal for yourself even if you don’t feel like it.  Make something nutritious, quick and easy like soup, baked beans, eggs, etc.  Some people view bad news as a time to ‘treat’ themselves to things such as chocolates, cakes, alcohol, or cigarettes help them through the situation.  This doesn’t work!  In fact, it fuels further addiction and there will be a price to pay when you are feeling better!

Mindfulness, meditation and breathing exercises can help you feel calm.  There is often mystique around such practices, but don’t be afraid of giving it a go.  Mindfulness and meditation are not exclusively reserved for Tibetan monks!  It involves bringing your attention to the present.  Nowadays there are plenty of free resources on the internet to help you to practice these.  Even 5 minutes a day can make a difference.

 9. Write it down

Spend a few minutes writing down your deepest thoughts and feelings.  This can be both cathartic and liberating.  Don’t worry about grammar or spelling, focus on the issue or event that is troubling you, and how it has affected you.  This technique is often used in psychotherapy and is known to be helpful.

Next, make a list of all the positive things in your life and those things you are grateful for.  Recalling and appreciating the good things in your life, despite your undesired situation, will help you cope with the change in circumstances.

10. Be compassionate towards yourself

This is often easier said than done.  We tend to beat ourselves up with negative self-talk.  One way to avoid this is to imagine that your situation is happening to a friend rather than you.  What would you do or say to help them?  How would you behave?  Your answers should then be applied to how you treat yourself.  Being compassionate and forgiving of yourself and others can help you to let go and move on from negative emotions such as anger, blame and resentment.

We all experience traumatic situations and feel emotionally distressed at times.

Resilience does not mean having no difficulties in your life.  On the contrary, it is built by experiencing challenges, heartache, pain and emotional distress just like the childhood events me and my brothers endured.  Although it might not feel like it at the time, we grow and learn from such difficult experiences.  Surprisingly, this is how resilience is built.  And, when we are resilient, we learn to cope and move forward with our life.

For many people, embracing the strategies above will be sufficient to get them though difficult situations and help them build their resilience.  

Most people adapt well (over time) to life-changing and distressing situations.  However, despite the suggestions in this article, if you have experienced something distressing and feel unable to carry out your daily life activities, please do seek help from a trusted professional.

Take care!

30
nov
0

How to find purpose and make your life meaningful

Posted by Change, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Leadership, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

Do you ever think – there must be more to life than this?

Perhaps it occurs during your mundane commute, or your 4th zoom call of the day?  Or maybe when you are stacking the dishwasher, stuck in traffic, or queueing at the checkout.  Do you ever stop and think – this can’t be all there is to life?

If I were to ask what your life’s purpose is, how would you answer?  Most people would respond with something like… “I’ve no idea!”, or “I don’t have one”.  This tells me that it is either not considered important, or perhaps you are waiting for fate or time to decide it for you?  The latter is a possibility but, be warned, you might be waiting a long time.

You will not discover your purpose waiting for that one fortuitous inspirational day!  Instead, it is up to you to craft it and define it over time.  This requires deliberate thought and effort on your part and although it is tough, it is eminently doable.

Searching for meaning in life can feel like searching for the golden chalice!  It is frustrating, worrying, and doubtful that it is even possible to find.  But having no purpose at all is worse.  It can leave you feeling that your life is empty, unfulfilled, and just passing you by. 

This year is coming to an end and a new one is about to begin.  At this time many of us become introspective.  This is a good thing!  Embrace it, even though the questions we ask ourselves are reflective, searching and sometimes self-critical.  Questions such as “what did I do this year?”, “did it matter?”, “why am I here?”, and “what goals will I set for next year?” (download your free goal setting guide here).

These are challenging questions, but we can tackle them if we approach it in bite-sized chunks and consider our answers as ‘work in progress’, rather than the definitive answer.

The problem with having no purpose

You may be pursuing a particular path in life because you drifted into it.   Or perhaps you are afraid of failing if you dare to chase your dream?  Maybe you are afraid you are not good enough, confident enough, clever enough, or similar.

Worse still, you may be pursuing a life that has been determined by someone else, or you could be aimlessly wandering through life with no direction at all.

If this rings true for you and it feels like your life is lacking, something needs to change.  Clarifying your purpose is a great starting point to improving things.  Change for change’s sake does not work.  But if you work out which aspects of your life need to change, and why, it can be incredibly impactful.  Having a purposeful goal, to either add or change something, is a great way forward.

Why does having a purpose matter?

In his book, ‘Start with Why’, Simon Sinek describes the importance of establishing ‘Why’ to inspire the people you lead.  It is equally powerful for us as individuals to know ‘why’ we should do something.  So here are some reasons why purpose matters.

– It is a basic human need to feel that you are adding value to something/someone.

– Having a purpose has been found to be closely linked to happiness and fulfilment.

– It affects your confidence, health, and well-being.

– it moves you from feeling like a spectator of your life to a driver and shaper.

– having a clear purpose will inspire you to appreciate and live your life to the full each day.

How can you begin to create your purpose?

Let’s face it, it is hard!  We have struggled with questions about why we are here and what our purpose is since time began.  This is partly because when we try to think about it, we step out of our comfort zone and open a Pandora’s Box of fears and insecurities.

(In Greek mythology, Pandora’s Box suggested that unchecked curiosity could lead to a dangerous source of great and unexpected troubles!).

Questions to help you create your personal narrative

Purpose is personal.  No one can or should define it for you.  It should stem from your values.  So then, how do you begin to create your own personal narrative and feel that your life is purposeful, meaningful, and worthwhile?

Your values and beliefs may lead you to a noble philosophical, religious, or spiritual purpose.  The problem with this is, while it may serve as a moral compass, it may not easily convert into practical ideas and meaningful goals.

The following questions will start you on a practical journey of self-discovery and sense making about your purpose.  You will not reach an end point or final narrative.  This is because you, and the world around you, will change over time.  And so, your purpose must evolve with you.

There are no right answers to the questions posed, only your answers.  You must be shamelessly and ruthlessly honest with yourself when you answer the questions – no-one else needs to see or hear your responses.  These may seem little questions, but they will have a big impact if you follow through on your answers.

1.  What or who matters most to you in your life? – Why does it matter to you?  Why do you get out of bed each day?  Do you rise with zest and energy, or dread and weariness?

 2.  What brings you pleasure and adds value to someone or something? – These are the sort of things that make you feel good after you have done them.  Even small things can have a big impact such as picking up groceries for a neighbour or phoning a friend who is lonely.

3.  What else? (could you do more of this or carry out other acts of kindness?).  You can always think of at least one more thing!

 4.  Based on your answers, what improvement goal will you now commit to?

 This time last year, I asked myself these questions.  I discovered that I get a great deal of pleasure and satisfaction from helping others live happy more fulfilled lives.  As a result, I set myself a goal to write one blog a month for one year.  Each blog would be specifically crafted to offer insights into how people can improve their lives and work to be the best they can be.  This is my 12th blog!

When you have worked through the questions posed above, you will start to understand what brings you joy and fulfilment in life.  You can then choose some actions that you will commit to, just as I did with my blog.

Deferring your life is not a good idea.  If you do nothing to articulate and clarify some purpose for yourself, it won’t happen.  Whatever you write, keep it fluid and flexible.  Stay open to changing it each time you review it and as you learn more about yourself and your desires.  This will be the early start of formulating your draft purpose.    

We only have one life and one chance to make it the best it can be.  Commit to something.  Change something in your life.  You will be surprised at how even small changes can lead to big improvements.

Have a wonderful Christmas and a purposeful New Year!

31
oct
0

7 Habits Of Positive People – and how to practice them

Posted by Change, Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Leadership, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

Everyone has ups and downs but how do you stay positive in difficult times?

You know that sinking feeling when something has gone badly wrong in your life.  You didn’t get the job; someone is being unpleasant or difficult; you dented the car; someone got sick; or things just generally aren’t going to plan.  Sadly, no one is exempt!  The inevitable sad times, disappointments, frustrations and setbacks can leave you feeling unhappy, worried and afraid.

If it is not kept in check, negativity can ‘infect’ your other thoughts and deeds and your wellbeing.  Dealing with bad times is only half the story.  The main difference between positive and negative people is that positive people don’t allow bad experiences to colour how they see and feel about everything else.  Somehow, they are able to compartmentalise and process bad things while still feeling optimistic about other aspects of their life.  Their cheerful sense of optimism helps them feel happy and positive about the future and instils confidence, calmness, and positivity.

positive people don’t allow bad experiences to colour how they see and feel about everything else.

If you are not naturally a positive person, the good news is, you can change this!  After a short while of training your brain to be more positive, you will start to feel happier and have a sunnier disposition.  The 7 habits below are based on positive psychology and, with practice, will set you on your way to feeling more positive and appreciative of your life. 

1.  Expect good things to happen

The power of positive expectation is a well-documented phenomenon. A quick check of how positive you are is to ask yourself – when you receive an unmarked envelope in the post, do you expect it to be good news or bad?

Whatever you are doing, even if it is something scary and new, expect it to go well.  When you do, astonishingly, the likelihood of it going well is increased!  The converse is also true.  Sports professionals know this – if they expect to lose, they are more likely to lose.

Remember that trying something that you could potentially fail is scary, but not trying at all can create the even worse feelings of regret.

2.  Recall positive moments from the past

Keeping mementos around you will help remind you of happy positive times.  Everything counts if it brings to mind a moment in time when you felt happy and well, and recalling it makes you feel good.  Photos, cards, celebratory trophies, wedding albums etc. will help you to re-conjure the moment.  I keep a few things on my desk – a glass award paper weight, a lovely card from my husband, a gift pen from a friend.  They help me create a happy place to escape to for just a few moments when I need to.

3.  Plan something nice or exciting

Even small things will have a positive effect on your brain, such as planning to watch your favourite box set, meeting someone for coffee, going out for a walk.  This doesn’t mean doing the nice thing right now.  It is more about triggering the brains ‘happy’ hormones by spending time throughout the day, the week or year thinking about the event – whatever it is – and looking forward to it.

It works for longer-term yearning too, such as planning a holiday, looking forward to Christmas, an upcoming birthday, a new baby’s arrival or a wedding.

 4.  Be appreciative and grateful

There is a large body of support these days for gratitude journals and notebooks.  I admit it!  I was a little sceptical at first but, trust me, it works!  Even something as simple as recording 3 positive things from your day before you go to bed works.  The spin-off benefit is that you will probably get a better night’s sleep too!

5.  Celebrate more than you normally do

Find things to celebrate.  It’s not hard once you get the knack.  The best example of this is my husband who does this with consummate ease!  He is always finding something to celebrate.  His birthday is February 11th.  From early August he starts to get very excited about his upcoming “half birthday” which occurs on August 11th!  Initially I regarded his half-birthday concept as quite amusing (if a little childish!).  However, since learning more about how the brain works in relation to optimism and positivity, I’ve come to realise that he is creating things to celebrate so that his brain can produce positive hormones.  He has unwittingly been practicing these habits all his life which is how he has become an exceptionally positive, happy person.

6.  Reframe your mindset

When your mindset is negative it ‘infects’ your other thoughts.  You begin to frame everything around you as negative.  Bizarrely, you collude with this negativity and start to attract more negative things.  The opposite is also true.  When you think positively, you notice and attract more positive things in your life.  The key here is that although it may not always feel this way, you do have choice.  You can choose to think positively by blocking and overwriting negative thoughts with positive ones.  Try it!  Do a deal with yourself that for the next 20 minutes you will not accept negative thoughts.

7.  Notice positive things

To help reframe your mindset, start to proactively notice and acknowledge positive things.  Positive things happen all the time, we just don’t always register them.  It could be a positive email, a nice comment from a friend or loved one, a lovely sun rise, a waggy tailed dog or purring cat.  They all count and serve to feed your brain with good thoughts.

Life is full of ups and downs.  Sad and distressing things happen.  Negative emotions such as anger, stress, fear, sadness, and disappointment have their place in helping us work through difficult and distressing times.  The point of this article is not to dismiss these emotions.  Acknowledging how you feel is a big part of working through challenging situations and moving on.  Instead my message is that we can learn to reserve negative emotions for when life is tough.

When I was being overly negative, my wonderful mentor (the late Professor Aidan Halligan, an obstetrician) asked me “how many babies died today Karen”?  In his world, a baby dying was the worst thing that could possibly happen.  Of course, my answer was “none” which helped me realise that I was overreacting to my situation.

As humans our primeval instincts often evoke fear and stress when we don’t necessarily need to.  If we train ourselves to think and feel more positive, we are more able to reserve negativity and the associated negative emotions for the times when they are warranted.  The result is that we will feel happier and more grateful for the wonderful life that we have.

29
sep
0

5 False Assumptions About Multi-tasking And How To Stop.

Posted by Change, Coaching Tips, Leadership, Leadership and Change, Self-coachingNo Comments

OK, we have all either heard or said it… “women are better than men at it”, and “she’s a mother so she multi-tasks with consummate ease”.

However, asking whether men or women are better at multi-tasking is the wrong question.  Instead, the smart question is: should you be doing it at all?  Is it better to do several tasks or activities simultaneously, or should we concentrate on doing one thing at a time?  To answer this, we need to understand the risks and benefits of so-called ‘multi-tasking’ (more on this later!) to help us choose whether we should do it or not.

It feels like a good use of time when we do it, e.g., reading whilst watching TV, answering emails whilst on a zoom call and, my husband’s favourite, ironing whilst watching ‘Match of the day’!

In today’s fast-paced world, we are all super busy.  It has become increasingly difficult to balance work and family life in a way that satisfies you, your boss, and your loved ones.  We have been duped into believing that multi-tasking is the answer to our lack of time.  Worse still, somewhere along the way we have created heroes out of those who multi-task.  We have adopted the notion that doing more than one thing at a time increases efficiency and frees up time in our home and work lives.

somewhere along the way we have created heroes out of those who multi-task

But how true are our assumptions?  Is multi-tasking (or multi-switching, which is what you are actually doing) a good thing and can you really save valuable time?  To help you decide, this blog busts a few myths and exposes some of the hard the truths about multi-tasking.

Five false assumptions:

1.  Our brain can easily do several tasks at once.

Despite our belief that we can do several things simultaneously, studies from neuroscience and psychology suggest that our brains do not multi-task!  Instead, the brain rapidly switches from one task to the other (multi-switching).  This happens so quickly that we barely notice the shift.

2.  We get more done when we multi-task.

The myth here is that when we multi-task, it makes us super-efficient and more productive.  But the reality is, switching from one task to another causes more mistakes.  We think we are being productive when we are, in fact, more likely to be doing the task badly or making mistakes and creating more work.  Studies suggest that multi-tasking can reduce productivity by as much as 40%.

3.  We save time by multi-tasking.

As well as being less efficient, multi-switching between tasks takes more time in the long run.  We lose focus on the task we stop doing and then take longer to recover our focus on it when we return to the previous task.  This results in wasted time.

4.  We can focus on several things at once.

Rather than do several tasks simultaneously, the brain focuses on one thing at a time.  When another task is presented, the brain rapidly shifts attention from the first thing to the other.  This is emotionally and intellectually exhausting.  It spreads your attention thinly which increases your error rate, drains your energy, and reduces your ability to think clearly.

5.  We can rapidly recover focus when we switch from one task to another.

Cognitive studies from psychology have looked at how we process specific information in our environment.  The fact is, we cannot easily or rapidly regain focus.  You will have noticed this phenomenon when, for example, you ask someone a question whilst they are looking at their phone, computer, or reading something.  They are in effect ‘tuned out’.  Their attention is focused on a particular thing, causing them to momentarily block out other input.  When you ask them a question, their response is often slow or delayed and may start with “erm…”, “sorry” or “what?”.  Even if they are asked a relatively simple question such as “what’s for dinner?” it evokes a delayed response if the person being asked is focusing on something else.

What prudent people do

My message is undeniably tilted towards advising you to avoid multi-tasking when possible.  This is especially true when a task is important and has the potential to yield either positive or unwelcome consequences.

Hence, it is only fair that I offer some ways to manage the multiple tasks that you are probably juggling every day in your life.  Here are a few suggestions…

  • Have a short daily to-do list (and stick to it) which limits the number of things you will do in a day. Tick off things as you complete them – your brain responds positively to this by releasing positive hormones which help you feel good.
  • Work for a maximum of 20 minutes at a time and then take a short break (this has been shown to increase productivity).
  • Ensure you know which items/tasks are the most important ones and prioritise these.
  • List things that you will stop doing and either drop or delegate trivial tasks or duties.
  • Avoid distractions (switch off or mute your devices) and stick to your list.
  • Ensure that there are some things on your to-do list that bring you joy or fulfilment.

A variety of studies have confirmed that our ability to do more than one task at the same time is limited and can be detrimental to the quality of work produced.

People who believe that they get more done by doing several tasks at once are misguided.  They achieve less than they would if they focused on one thing at a time.  When your attention is divided or interrupted, you are much more likely to make mistakes.

Returning to my husband’s multi-tasking trick (ironing and watching football on the TV), he relies on the action replay or the opportunity to rewind to see the goals he missed whilst concentrating on the ironing (burning the clothes carries hefty consequences)!  However, in life, we rarely have the privilege of an action replay or rewind.

If you need to focus on an important task, do that task and nothing else.  Make sure the people around you know that you do not wish to be interrupted.  And, probably hardest of all, switch off the devices that you are not using for the task.

Stop making multi-tasking a heroic act.  Instead acknowledge the shortcomings of doing it and try my suggestions above to help you through your busy day.

1
sep
0

Grow your gravitas!

Posted by Coaching, Coaching Tips, Leadership, Self-coachingNo Comments

“You are great at what you do Mike, but you need more gravitas if you want to get to the next level”.

Mike’s boss was clear.  He thought Mike needed more gravitas to progress.  It was at that moment (my ‘aha’ moment) I realised the importance of Mike’s predicament, especially as two other clients had asked me to work with them on the same thing.   

It can be frustrating to be told you do not have it, particularly when it is unclear what is meant by ‘gravitas’ or ‘executive presence’.  Both terms are used interchangeably, are shrouded in mystery, and are hard to define.  Yet, curiously, we can all name someone who we believe has gravitas.  But if we are pushed to explain what we mean by this, and what it is these people do or have, well frankly, it is hard to say!

This blog is written with these questions in mind and to help you navigate the mystique of ‘gravitas’ and how you can get some.

Shrinking in a corner, pressed into the wall; do they know I’m present, am I here at all?

(Lang Leav, Poet)

What is gravitas?

Though hard to define, when someone has gravitas people notice them.  The way they walk, talk, move, sit or stand creates a lasting impression on those around them.  Interestingly, we notice when they have it, as well as when they do not!

You know that annoying feeling when someone says what you said a few minutes ago (and you got no reaction when you said it) and yet now everyone thinks it is a great idea!  Reflecting on the situation, what did they say or do differently that got more attention?  Could it be that the person has more gravitas?  If this is a likely explanation, it begs the questions: what is gravitas, can you grow it and, if so, how?

The Cambridge English dictionary defines it as “seriousness and importance of manner, causing feelings of respect and trust in others”.

Although some people seem to ooze gravitas effortlessly and naturally, it is important to appreciate that it is a skill, not necessarily an inborn trait.  Like all skills, it can be learnt with a little know-how and practice.

Why is it important?

People with gravitas have impact.  They are memorable, credible, convey confidence (without arrogance) and they exude integrity.  They appear poised and calm.  People notice when they enter the room.  When they speak, people pay attention and listen.  They are persuasive.  They readily gain confidence and trust, can sway decisions, argue for resources, present compelling cases, ostensibly with ease and grace.  All this allows them to access and seize opportunities. 

Few delights can equal the mere presence of one whom we trust utterly.

(George MacDonald, Scottish author)

How to grow your gravitas

  • Be aware of the impact you have on others. Learn to radiate calmness and stillness when you are with people.  This helps others to relax and be at their best in your presence.  Be aware of the subtle messages you emit when you enter a room, sit at a table, or meet and greet people.  How fidgety and frenetic are you?  Do you have a welcoming smile?

Proactively seek feedback on how different people experience you.  This is a key leadership action because we all have blind spots relating to how we are perceived by others.  I once received feedback from several sources that I was scary!  This trait does little to help build positive trusting relationships, so I worked on softening up a little to get the best from people.

  • Assess how you sound to others. Is the tone of your voice audible, clear, calm, and slow?  All these send out subtle clues that you are either anxious or relaxed.  If you are not asking a deliberate question, avoid an upward intonation at the end of your sentences.  This gives the impression that you are unsure about what you are saying.  Pausing during the conversation is fine.  It gives people (and you) time to think.

If you have the habit of using “fillers” such as er, um, or ah, learn to break the habit.  Practice by recording yourself and playing it back. 

  • Know your topic and communicate it well.  Prepare well by ensuring that you know and understand the relevant data relating to the topic to be discussed.  Using a few simple words is much better than lots of complicated ones!  People are not impressed by complicated language.  Brevity and clarity are much more influential.  When making a written statement we use a full stop at the end.  When speaking, we should follow a similar rule by learning to stop speaking when we have made our point.  Quality, not quantity, is the key to success.
  • Be a great listener.  Listen, listen more, and then listen some more.  People with gravitas listen more than they speak.  Always respond truthfully to questions and if you don’t know the answer, say so.
  • Build positive relationships and networks – with stakeholders, peers, subordinates, and bosses. The most potent way to build positive relationships is to ask more questions than you answer.  Listen more than you speak.  It is well accepted that people who are good at networking build rapport by asking non-threatening, open, questions, rather than talking about themselves.
  • Look the part.  Think about the impression you want to leave behind. What subtle messages are you are sending to those around you?

    Dress according to the culture and style of your organisation and the position you hold (or aspire to hold).  This shows respect and conveys an appreciation of the responsibilities entrusted to you.  It helps those around you feel comfortable and avoids distracting from the conversation.  All of which increases your gravitas.

Having gravitas enhances your confidence and career.  It strengthens your credibility and inspires confidence and trust in others.  You will grab people’s attention quicker, and keep it.

If your gravitas needs a boost, work through the points above.  Choose one (to begin with) and start practising it today.  Build it into your daily work.  Once you have done this, select another point to work on.  You will soon be on your way to developing the mysterious yet powerful concept of gravitas.

19
feb
0
Hope

Hope is not a plan: 3 steps to make hope work for you

Posted by Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Leadership, Leadership and Change, Self-coachingNo Comments

Are you waiting, hoping, or even praying for something good to happen?  Something that will change your life for the better?

Maybe you’re hoping for a new job, a promotion or a new career?

Or, perhaps you are hoping to get fit, lose weight or improve your work-life balance?

Hoping something will change or happen is rather like daydreaming, wishing or wanting something.  The trouble with hope is it is only part of the story and will only get you so far. 

Nelson Mandela hinted at the concept of ‘hope’ when he talked about vision.  He famously said:

 Vision without action is merely daydreaming

Creating a vision for a more positive future is similar to hoping for something.  Consequently, ‘hope’ without action is also merely daydreaming. 

I don’t want to mislead you with an entirely negative portrayal of ‘hope’. Being hopeful can feel highly positive.  However, this only holds true if you know how to optimise your hopefulness and convert it into reality. 

How to make ‘hope’ work for you.

Hoping for something can be motivational and inspire you to take positive action towards whatever you are hoping for.  This is easy to see when, for example, we plan a house move, a wedding, or a holiday.  We become excited about it and this compels us, almost inadvertently, to take steps towards making it happen.

You can make hope work for you by, firstly, visualising what you hope for.  The effect of this is so powerful that your brain releases positive neurochemicals (such as dopamine and endorphins) which intensify your motivation as well as making you feel good.

Astonishingly, neuroscientists have found that when you recall or imagine a positive experience, the effect is almost as potent as when you do it for real.  It positively affects your sense of well-being, even though it is only in your thoughts!

So how do you convert your hopefulness into a powerful vision that compels you to act and achieve what you hope for?

How to visualise what you hope for

Imagine for a moment how you feel when you think about (or visualise) an upcoming holiday.

Picture the wonderful things you will see, feel and experience.  Imagine how will you feel when you leave your stresses behind and enjoy a break from the worries and pressures of everyday life.

To make it really work for you, visualisation needs detail.

Conjure in your head the images, smells, sounds, feelings, colours etc.  If it is a holiday (for example) you’re hoping for, picture the beautiful sights you will see.  The blue sea, white sand, the snow, the mountains, the lakes, the trees or whatever it is that attracted you to the holiday in the first place.  Imagine the sun warming your skin, the sand between your toes or the taste of the cocktail as you watch the sun set.  Feel the snow crunching under your boots, the frost on your nose or the swish of your skis as you glide down the beautiful mountain slope. 

Most important of all, think about how you will feel when you achieve what you hope for.

You will start to feel real feelings.  You will probably feel excited, relaxed or happy just by the thought of it, even though you are only thinking about it rather than actually doing it. 

People who market and sell holidays know this.  That’s why they bombard us with images of stunning sunsets, beaches, forests, mountains, happy people and so on.  They are using images, words and sounds to create a ‘feel-good factor’ every time we look at their website, brochure, or video.

Hence, ‘hoping’, day-dreaming, desiring, visualising – however you wish to describe it – can make you feel mentally and physically good.

Sadly though, as soon as we put the brochure down or close the website and return to our daily tasks, the positive feelings subside.

The question then, is how do we make the feel-good mood last?

How to keep the feel-good factor going.

Mr Mandela inspired us to dream.  He also knew how to maximise hopes and dreams.  In the last part of his speech he said…

Vision with action can change the world

Changing the world is a mighty big ambition!  Your hopes and dreams may not be quite as far reaching.  Nonetheless, whatever you hope for is within your grasp.  Research has shown that to achieve even a giant-sized, scary, ambitious goal, you are more likely to succeed if you take lots of small steps or actions which feel doable and achievable.

Every time you complete an action – no matter how small – it will make you feel good and you will be one step closer to converting your hopes and dreams into reality. 

Day by day, step by step, you will move closer towards that which you long for.  So, in conclusion,

These 3 things will make hope work for you:

1.  Visualise what you are hoping for – in detail.  Imagine what you will feel, see, hear, smell, taste?

2.  Take small steps (actions) today to get you closer to what you hope for?

3.  List the next steps – and when you have completed those, list the next ones, and so on until you get there.

You may not be aiming to change the world.  But you can use your hopes and dreams as a positive force for change.  Use it to frame and motivate yourself to take positive actions towards your desired outcome.

Be inspired by Mr Mandela.  Begin to convert whatever it is you hope for into action.  Start today with the first small step.

After all, ‘hope’ is not a plan!

 

20
jan
0
goals dreams tips

7 Top Tips to get your goals back on track

Posted by LeadershipNo Comments

By the time the Christmas decorations come down most people have already given up on their goals.

If this is you, don’t worry, help is at hand!

It’s inevitable that we sometimes flag.  After the excitement of Christmas and New Year, tiredness can set in.  The cold dark winter months, and our continuous efforts to balance home and work life, seem to fuel fatigue and weariness.  Your goal or dream might seem like a distant whim that is too big and difficult to achieve.

If you have already given up on your goal, or if you’re fading fast or have stopped doing anything about it, here are a few tips to get you back on track.

1. Manage your self-talk

When your goal feels too hard and has become a distant pipe dream, it is all too easy to beat yourself up and lose focus on what you want and how to get it.  Negative thoughts can creep into your head as can self-blaming words such as “pathetic”, “lazy”, “useless” etc.  Focus on how you will feel when you have reached it.  Give yourself a break and remind yourself that it is never too late to start again.  Ask what you will do differently this time to prioritise and reach your dream.

If you feel stuck and unsure what else to do, take a look at my earlier blog which encourages you to ask yourself 3 Crucial questions when you feel stuck.

2. Visualise your success

Take a moment to picture what success will look like and feel like when you achieve your goal.  Think about it.  Look forward to it, imagine it.  Be clear on what it is that you want – in detail, because detail will make it real for you.  Write it down.

Use images.  A photo, a picture from a magazine, a postcard, a screen saver.  Choose something that inspires you.  So, for example, if you want to lose weight, find a photo of yourself when you were at your ideal weight and place it somewhere that you will see it regularly.  Or, if you want a new home, find a picture of your dream home.  Whatever it is, think about how you will feel when you get there e.g. your promotion or new job.

Put your chosen image somewhere prominent.  Look at it when you wake up in the morning and before you go to sleep at night.  The more often you look at it and think about it, the more real it will become for you.

3. Remind yourself why you want it.

Answering “Why” is known to be a powerful motivator.  Simon Sinek, the British-American bestselling author of ’Start with Why’ emphasises the importance of knowing ‘why’ you want or do something.

Write your answer to ‘why’ your goal is important to you.  Write it by hand on a sheet of paper.  Handwritten statements and lists have been found to engage the brain more than typing or speaking into a device.

4. Break down your big goal into small doable steps

Your goal may seem too big, bold and audacious and feel too difficult to achieve.  The science around how to achieve goals suggests that we should break down big goals into little steps or actions that feel doable.  Depending on your goal, examples of some small steps could be…

  • Lose weight – research diets and find one you will enjoy;
  • Get fit – go for a 20-minute brisk walk before work;
  • New job – contact a recruitment agency to see what jobs are available;
  • New home – look at houses on the internet to see what’s available.

You can see how these small steps feel doable and, when combined with other small actions, they will take you closer to your goal. 

Write down (by hand) one small thing you will do today to get you back on track.  Then list the other small steps you will take.  Small steps might be as simple as making a phone call, sending an email, contacting a person, researching something online etc.  Each time you complete an action, no matter how small, it rewards your brain.  As you cross actions off your list, you’ll feel good and motivated to do more.  After a while you will not be able to stop thinking about and doing things towards your goal!

5. Reward yourself

Rewards increase motivation.  List some small rewards that you will treat yourself to when you have completed some of your listed actions.   Your rewards do not need to be big or material things.  My personal treats include a going for a walk or having a nice coffee out – or both!

6. Make it easier to do it than not to do it!

If, for example, your goal is a fitness goal and you plan to do a run or walk before work, leave your training shoes and clothes by your bed at night.  Download your favourite podcast or music play list the night before and have your headphones at the ready.  Tell the people you live with that you are going to do it and ask for their support and encouragement.

Think about how you will feel when you have done it (feeling smug is allowed!).  If I am not feeling like a run or walk, my husband (Ben) often reminds me that “no one ever regrets doing exercise after they’ve done it”.  He is right, it makes you feel great!

As you get dressed to go out, focus on the treat you’ve chosen to have after you have done it, such as a lovely breakfast.

7. Manage your energy

Think of your energy being like a battery.  You charge it up overnight then it gradually runs down as you go about your daily tasks.  It then follows that you need to charge your energy battery!  This means ensuring that you get enough sleep, rest, pleasure and joy (all of which help re-charge you).  Also, keep healthy snacks close to hand such as nuts, seeds and fruit to keep your energy levels up.  I don’t go anywhere without a packet of almonds!

If you have given up on your goal(s) or New Year resolutions, remember that there is no such thing as failure, only learning.  It’s never too late to start again, so start again today!

Apply these seven evidence-based tips and you will soon be on your way to getting back on track and achieving what you want for yourself and your life.

Good luck!

Karen

28
oct
0

10 things coaching can do for you

Posted by LeadershipNo Comments

When your car won’t start you probably call out a mechanic. And when your drain is blocked it’s likely you’ll need a plumber to help you unblock it. But when might you require the help of a coach? Whilst it’s hard to describe what their role is, it is certainly not to fix things for you!

As it is notoriously tricky to explain what a coach does, it is probably better to flip the question and, instead, describe how the process of coaching might help you.

The coach’s job is to help you move closer to achieving things you want for yourself. However, most of us have a natural tendency to focus on problems rather than on bigger more strategic and longer-term goals that will help us to grow and learn. So I use the mnemonic ‘A.C.E.’ as a reminder of the three possible areas of focus if you work with a coach:

A – an Aspiration, goal or dream that you have

C – a Challenge, problem or issue that you need to rise to or resolve

E – an Experience or event that you want to make sense of

The ‘A’ is future focused; the ‘C’ is mostly present focused; and the ‘E’ focuses on the past.

Based on many years of coaching, here are ten things that most of my clients ask for help with and which usefully describe how a coach might help you.

Aspirational Things (hopes, dreams and longer-term goals)

1. Provide clarity about what you want, then create a tangible plan of the steps you will take to get there.

2. Work out what’s most important to you (rather than focus on the urgent things in front of you now), especially those things that will help you create a more positive future.

3. Determine what success looks like (for you) and embed this into your longer-term goal.

4. Create excitement, momentum and focus to help you move closer to your goal.

Challenges

5. Build confidence and competence in solving your problems and making decisions about things that are troubling you or keeping you awake at night.

6. Help you to stand outside of the problem, rather than being in it, by questioning your assumptions and helping you think about it from different perspectives so that you can consider different solutions.

7. Work out your options – especially if you feel stuck or that the challenge is impossible to overcome – then create commitment to acting on one or more of your ideas.

Experiences or Events (either negative or positive)

8. Reflect on and make sense of past experiences or situations. This can help you to learn from mistakes and let go of things that are out of your control.

9. Help you discover things about yourself that you may not be conscious of such as:

  • Your leadership style and preferences
  • How you deal with challenging behaviour or conflict situations
  • What works for you (and what doesn’t!)

10. Build positive and productive relationships – even with people you don’t get along with – by reflecting on their behaviour as well as your own.

People who have undergone coaching often talk about it being a life changing or transformational experience. But don’t misunderstand me. It is certainly not a cosy chat over a comforting caramel latte! It requires hard brain work and for you to take responsibility for your life and your future. It needs courage to try new things, and commitment to make changes to the way things are.

This said, when the coach and coachee work well together, it is certainly worth the effort.

Unfortunately, you’ll still need to call out a mechanic for your car, or a plumber for your blocked drain. But with coaching, futures get sharply defined, careers get changed, problems get solved, work-life balance can be restored and, importantly, sleep comes more easily!

Dr Karen Castille O.B.E, Executive and Leadership Coach, Author The Self-Coaching Workbook, @karencastille