30
nov
0

How to prepare to set goals you will achieve

Posted by Coaching, Coaching Tips, Goals, Self-coachingNo Comments

You don’t need to wait for the New Year to set some goals.  However, being a pragmatist, I realise that many of you will be motivated to do so with your New year’s resolutions.  No matter when you choose to do it, it is important that you give it some thought and preparation before diving in.  Otherwise, you risk setting random, aimless goals that do not align with your longer term hopes and dreams.

Preparation involves first looking back (reflection) over the previous year, then looking forward (future focus) and thinking about what you want for your future.

This blog poses six introspective questions to get your creative juices flowing.  These will encourage you to reflect on your hopes, dreams, thoughts, and feelings, and enable you to learn from the past before thinking about how you want your future to be.

Find a quiet place and privately write down your answers to the questions posed.  The questions below will help your thinking process but don’t try to have all the answers in one sitting.  Write whatever comes to mind – don’t worry about spelling or grammar, just write the thoughts in your head.  After recording your answers, put it aside for a few days then go back to it.  You will be surprised at how new ideas will pop into your head and you may wish to edit out others.

This process helps you set goals that relate to your life priorities and desires.  If you need more help, see my earlier blog on ‘How to live your best life’.

Q1   What went well for you in the last 12 months?

  • What did you enjoy most about this?
  • Why was this important to you?
  • How could you build more of this into your life?

In his book, ‘Start with Why’, Simon Sinek describes the importance of establishing ‘Why’ to inspire action.  It is therefore crucial to understand ‘why’ you are interested in something to help you create meaningful actions to achieve it.

Q2   What did not go so well for you in the last 12 months?

  • What did you least enjoy and why?
  • What could you have done differently?
  • What can you do to avoid a similar situation?

Reflecting on mistakes will help you work out what you can do differently next time.

Q3   Which area(s) of your life would you most like to improve?

My earlier blog ’How to live your best life’ outlines different important areas of your life.  The list is shown below.  Review the list and add any areas of your life that might be missing (e.g. religious or spiritual).

  1. Health and wellbeing
  2. Work/career
  3. Family and friends
  4. Rest, play and pleasure
  5. Growth, learning and development

After checking the list is right for you, consider the area(s) you would most like to improve.

  • Why is your selected area important to you?
  • What will success look like when you have improved it?
  • What has stopped you from improving this before now?
  • What can you do to overcome the prohibiting factor(s) that stopped you?

Q4   What will you do to improve your selected area?

Don’t be tempted to write unattainable actions that you know you will not follow through on.  Consider your time availability and commitment as well as any costs involved.  For example, if you want to improve your ‘rest, play and pleasure’ area by learning to fly a plane.  Realistically, can you afford flying lessons?  Do you have the time to take the lessons and practice?  Instead, choose something that is a stretch for you, but is achievable within your budget and time.  Work on generating small achievable steps that you will take to get you closer towards your bigger goal.

Q5   What do you love doing?

Is there something you have been thinking about doing for some time but have not got around to doing?  Examples are things like: write a book; learn a language; move house; change your job.  If there is something you have been promising yourself you will do “one day”, the key question is what has stopped you so far?

  • What do you love about this?
  • What is stopping you from doing it or doing more of this?
  • How will you free up time to do some or more of this?

Q6   What are you most looking forward to?

This is a future focused question.  It will help you get motivated and excited about the future.  It will energise you to commit to your goals.

  • What is it about this that you are looking forward to?
  • How will you feel when this happens?
  • What will you change or do to make it happen?

Final tips:

Writing down your thoughts before going straight to setting goals will make it feel personal, relevant, and real.  After reflecting on your answers, what improvement goal(s) will you now commit to?  To make it a goal, convert your thoughts from simply stating what you want, to listing what you will do about it, when and how.

  • Only set goals that relate to you and those you feel genuinely motivated to do something about.
  • In terms of how to measure your progress, think about what you would like more of, less of, or whether you would like to stop or start something.
  • Break down each goal into small steps that will take you towards it rather than try to achieve it with one big action. You are more likely to stick at it if you create little steps.
  • Limit yourself to setting 3-5 goals a year. The fewer the better, as you are more likely to achieve something if you focus on it.  It is always better to achieve one thing than nothing!

If you need more help – grab a copy of my FREE Goal Setting Guide: https://karencastille.com/.  It will help you set meaningful goals that will make a lasting difference to your life

29
oct
0

How to improve a troubled relationship with your boss

Posted by Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Decision, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

We spend a great deal of time at work.  Consequently, it is crucial to our wellbeing that we feel safe, happy, purposeful, and productive when we are there.  Life is too short to hang around in an unhappy environment.

There are many reasons why you might be unhappy at work.  My earlier blog deals with some of these concerns.  But, if the main reason is that you are not getting on with your boss, what should you do?

Some of my clients have expressed that they want to quit their job because of a difficult relationship with their boss.  Quitting is a big decision and warrants careful consideration before you submit your resignation.  The answer is not necessarily to find new boss!  First, it is worth exploring what you might try to put the relationship in a better place.

Managing upwards is tough!  It requires a high level of self-awareness and confidence and the realisation that no one is perfect – not you, and certainly not your boss!  Improving the relationship requires an openness to learning, a trial-and-error attitude and the ability to reflect on what works, and what does not.

In this article I have highlighted 4 of the most common ‘boss’ relationship problems and what you might do about them before throwing in the towel.

Typical Problems:

The 100 ideas a day boss

This can be very frustrating, especially when you are working hard to achieve the challenging goals you already have in front of you.  It is important not to criticise the ideas in the moment (unless they are blatantly ridiculous!).  Recognise that not all random ideas require action.  Sometimes she/he might just be brainstorming.  I had a boss that did this!  Over time I learnt that he frequently forgot our conversation.  I also learnt to recognise which ideas would stick.  I did this by noticing his frequent mention of them in conversations with me and others.

If it is not a stream of consciousness brainstorm, consider which ideas you can quickly or easily execute.  Be positive about these.  For the bigger more complex ideas, you might describe the anticipated resources or time commitment required.  You could tactfully enquire how a new idea fits with the current (agreed) priorities – and what you might drop to accommodate the new work involved.

Work to understand your boss’s preferred communication and work style.  For example try to assess whether they are an ‘in the moment’ type of person who likes to bounce new ideas around with people.  This will make a big difference to how you respond.  Do acknowledge their ideas – even when they are numerous!  Sometimes they may just want you to listen rather than act.  If they are expecting you to act, return to the priorities conversation and how their idea fits with that, and what other work you could drop.

The controlling and/or micro-managing boss

This behaviour is often due to the lack of an accountability culture or lack of trust.  An accountability framework starts with agreeing what needs to be achieved, what resources are required, as well as agreeing timeframes and reporting mechanisms.  If there is a misunderstanding of any of these issues, disappointment will ensue!

A crucial part of managing this situation is to ensure that you and your boss agree what needs to be done, by when, and how you will update them on progress.  If you disagree, now is the time to politely explain why it can not or should not be done.  Ask about your boss’s priorities and use these to shape the conversation.  Link the conversation to your agreed objectives, especially if your boss is suggesting additional work that you don’t have capacity for.

When my clients report that their boss is too controlling and task oriented, we work on what I call the ‘What and How rule’.  This involves allowing your boss to state WHAT they need to be achieved.  Your role is then to determine HOW it will be done.  The way to do this is to ask your boss WHAT questions (such as what outcome they are looking for).  It is important to avoid allowing the conversation slip into details about the process of HOW it will be done.  Obviously, it also requires agreement that it is possible to achieve the desired outcome within the set timescale.

The unconstructive or over critical boss

First, be honest with yourself.  Is there any truth in the criticism?  Try to establish the facts or evidence that has led to this point of view.  For example, you could ask what has led him/her to believe this.  Their answer will help you reflect on whether there might be genuine grounds for the criticism.

If the criticism is about you, do not blame your team (or someone else).  When something has gone wrong – be accountable, apologise and agree to put it right (if it’s possible).  If you are upset or stressed by the conversation, wait until you are in a calmer frame of mind to discuss it.

When the criticism relates to your team and you believe it to be unjustified, it is important that you become a buffer between negative comments and the team.  Take opportunities to share genuine positive stories about the team and their successes.  Give relevant examples of achievements.

It is important that you do not reciprocate criticism by criticising or undermining your boss with others, or in public.  Your integrity will be at risk if you do this.

The moody, withdrawn or secretive boss

Take an interest in your boss as a person.  A bad mood may reflect a problem at home and may not be personal to you.  Remember that they have a home life, family, friends, and all the problems and anxieties that these can bring.  Empathetic listening can help especially if the problem they are worried about is temporary.

However, if the problem persists and is impacting on you and others you may need to sympathetically raise it with them.  Tackle unacceptable behaviour (sensitively) but choose the right time.  You could try statements like… “I’ve noticed that when I say/do this you appear angry/cross/annoyed, and it makes me feel ….”  Beginning your conversation with “I have noticed that…” and finishing it with “is there anything I can do to help?” can be helpful.

Understand that they may be under pressure and dealing with confidential issues that you are not aware of – cut them some slack!  They may be stressed and dealing with their own fears and concerns.

Choose your time to tackle issues that are not time sensitive.  If it can wait, avoid raising an issue or asking for something if they appear to be in a bad mood or preoccupied.

If there are problems to discuss, make sure you have some possible solutions to offer rather than simply listing the problems.  Offer your thoughts on how you might resolve issues and ask for support and advice if you need it.

Finally, be clear about what you are prepared to live with and what you are not!  If everything you have tried has not worked, it is important to remember that you are in the driving seat and quitting is certainly an option.  However, before resigning do craft your exit plan as described in my earlier blog.  To avoid making the same mistake, list what you want and expect from your next boss.  Be realistic – no one is perfect! 

The job market is currently in your favour.  Employers are crying out for good people.  Once you accept that you have control over your future, you will feel empowered to decide whether your job, your boss, and the organisation are right for you, your career, and your happiness at work.

29
sep
0

5 Reasons why you should start decluttering now!

Posted by Coaching, Coaching Tips, Declutter, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

There is plenty written about the practicalities of decluttering and how to do it.  The question is, is it worth spending your valuable time doing it?  Frankly, can and should you be bothered?

The pandemic may have nudged you into some de-cluttering action.  But be honest, have things slipped?  Has the clutter re-amassed and undone all your good work?

Let me be clear, I’m not making the case for creating a perfect minimalist show-home!  Decluttering is not just concerned with the aesthetics of your home.  I encourage decluttering because clutter actually affects your physical and mental wellbeing.  Even a small amount of de-cluttering will help you.  The benefits are much greater than you think and far outweigh the case for leaving your stuff lying around.

We all have things that are not, strictly speaking, necessary, lying around.  So why should you get rid of or store such items?  What harm could they possibly do?

Well, here are 5 compelling reasons why you should get started on your decluttering today.

1.  Improve your productivity

Clutter increases the opportunity for distraction and side-tracking.  You know those instances when you move from one thing to another and sometimes even forget what you started in the first place!  And we already know that multi-tasking does not work.  Time-management goes out through the window, and things that needed to be done are left undone.  Studies have shown that clutter can make it significantly more difficult to focus on a particular task, especially when the clutter is in your visual field.  It also makes it difficult to find what you need.

When you organise your workspace and reduce it to the bare minimum you will find it is much easier to focus and work productively.  Do keep your favourite signature piece on show – such as an award, trophy, family photo or other item that brings you joy.  In fact, after decluttering, your chosen piece will stand out more.

Finding important items suddenly becomes easier.  Things such as your keys, wallet or important papers don’t seem to ‘disappear’ anymore.  You can move around your home more easily and enjoy the space, instead of stepping over things in your way.  The less you have the more your overall productivity will improve.

2.  Increase your energy and focus

As we age, we accumulate more stuff!  However, possessions simply add stress, worry, and burden onto our lives.  Having less stuff around us is beneficial for two reasons.  First, having excessive amounts of clutter is an invitation for a whole lot of dust, which in turn can aggravate symptoms of respiratory diseases like asthma.  And even if you don’t suffer from asthma, you can still feel the harmful respiratory effects of dust piling up and polluting your air quality.  Cleaning out your environment is refreshing.  You will start breathing easier and feeling better physically.  The added bonus is that less ‘stuff’ means less to clean!  

Second, having visible clutter around you encourages ‘mind-wandering’.  When you have less things around it creates a sense of focus and energy for your work or other activities – whatever they may be!  You will be able to focus your energy on the things you enjoy instead of being distracted by less important things.  You will begin to notice a genuine sense of liberation and vitality that comes from decluttering.

3.  Reduce your stress

You may be making excuses at this point, but it is a known fact that clutter stresses us out!  Whether it is dirty dishes piling up in the sink or stacks of papers covering your desk, everyone experiences negative effects from too much clutter around them.  Fact: when things are cluttered and out of order it makes us feel anxious.  It is therefore no surprise that clutter in your physical spaces can have adverse effects on your mental health.  The more “stuff” you have piling up in front of you, the more reminders you have of all the things you need to do.

Untidy environments increase stress.  In one study, women who described their homes with positive language had a lower level of the stress hormone cortisol than women who described their homes as cluttered or unfinished. 

Sensory overload can produce physiological states of distress, such as increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, irritability, and confusion.  Seeing large piles of dishes, unfolded clothes, or unreviewed documents in front of you adds to your anxiety and stress.

And it is not just you.  Clutter can create family stress.  You might argue with your partner or children about their untidiness.  You might be moody or yell at someone because you can’t find something and now you are running late.  Decluttering will reduce this stress.

4.  Feel better about yourself

Decluttering creates a sense of confidence and self-efficacy (seeing yourself as competent).  In a study, conducted by UCLA’s Centre on Everyday Lives and Families, researchers examined 32 families and found that clutter had a strong impact on their mood and self-esteem.

When we are disorganised, we feel out of control.  Feeling out of control is always a stressful feeling.  Improving your living or working space can restore your feelings of competency, pride, and control.  It will inherently help improve your mood, self-esteem, and your feelings of effectiveness in the world.

When you clear the excess clutter from your life, you will notice the positive effects it has on your mental state and overall wellness.  Many studies have shown the psychological power of clearing out your space in various areas of your life.  For the sake of your overall health and happiness, take the time to declutter and start seeing the positive changes that occur.  You will feel refreshed and ready for whatever challenges come your way.

5.  Reap the financial benefits!

Curtailing your shopping for material possessions (which become clutter) obviously benefits your purse/wallet and bank account!  Your home won’t get filled with costly things you don’t really need.  And, importantly, you can build up savings for more important things (such as treats, trips and even holidays).  It also helps keep you protected in case of unexpected emergencies.

When you declutter, you often find items you’d forgotten you even had!  I’m moving house soon and in my big clear out I’m finding lots of things I had forgotten I had.  Such finds can either be something you actually do want or need, or something you can donate to a charity shop (which always makes you feel good).  Finding lost items creates a sense of serendipity and abundance which boosts your mood and increases your energy for tackling bigger issues.

The case for decluttering is overwhelming.  Get started today and begin to reap the benefits!  You’ll feel so much lighter, energetic and more productive once it’s done.

31
aug
0

How To Boost Your Confidence: Download Your 12-Point Check-List

Posted by Coaching, Coaching Tips, Self-coachingNo Comments

Self-confidence is essential if you are to continue to strive to achieve your hopes and dreams in life. However, there is a lot to take in on the topic of self-confidence and how to improve it!

This fourth article on the topic summarises the main points of my three previous blogs on this crucial subject. To simplify things and help you digest the information, I have devised a powerful confidence check-list which draws on the most powerful ‘best bites’ from all 3 blogs.

If you missed the original blogs, the links, and a summary of each, are below.

1. The first blog describes ‘The number 1 culprit of low self-confidence and how to fix it’.  I explain how you can get to grips with your negative self-talk and convert it into more positive supportive statements to help improve your self-confidence.

2. The second blog offers ‘7 ways to increase your confidence’. This article shows the power of self-belief and how developing positive expectations will improve your self-confidence. This helps you to reframe your thoughts and focus on expecting a best (not worst) outcome of any situation.

3. My third blog ‘How To Trick Yourself Into Feeling And Being Confident’ explains how to use your body language to fool yourself and others into believing that you are confident. Interestingly, this actually helps you to feel and be more confident.

The Confidence check list 30.8.21 summarises the main learning points from all 3 articles in a quick check-list format which you can review for yourself.  If you need more detail on the listed actions, check out the blogs (see above links) to refresh your memory.

The Check-list is completely free and can be downloaded here and printed for your personal use.  I look forward to hearing your feedback on how it has helped you become more confident in whatever it is you want to achieve in life.

Good luck, and warm wishes,

Karen

9
aug
0

How To Trick Yourself Into Feeling And Being Confident

Posted by Coaching, Coaching Tips, Self-coachingNo Comments

Believe me, you are not alone!  Even people who appear to be cool, confident, and skilful, might actually be feeling wobbly, anxious and unsure of themselves.  Everyone is sometimes confident and sometimes not.  Even people who might appear confident (such as Venus Williams) confess that, underneath their seemingly cool exterior, they are not always confident.

We are all confident with some aspects of our life, and yet not so confident with other things.  This poses important questions about why this is so, and what we can do about it?

A year ago, I wrote two blogs about confidence.  The first blog explained why confidence is important and how to begin to tackle self-doubt.  It focused on the most important factor affecting self-confidence (you can read it here)

The second article aimed to boost your skills and described 7 influential ways to increase your confidence.  If you missed this one you can read it here.

Of all the articles I have written, these two were by far the most popular.  This has encouraged me to write more on this topic.  So, this third article focuses on a different aspect of confidence which is often underestimated – our body language.

———————————————————————————————–

Let’s begin with what does having confidence look like and does ‘faking it until you make it’ actually work to increase your confidence?

Anthropologists have studied primates over many years to gain important insights into human behaviour.  As humanity`s closest living relatives, interesting similarities are noted between primates and humans.  A study last year found that chimps and human toddlers use similar stamping, pointing and clapping tactics to get attention.  Where confidence is concerned, if you watch a chimp who is feeling afraid or weak in the presence of a more dominant chimp, they will make themselves appear small, insignificant, and non-threatening in order to stay safe and pose no challenge to the dominant animal.  Their body language will be closed and small just as it is for us humans when we feel anxious, weak or lacking in confidence.

The interesting twist on this is that not only does our closed, insecure body posture show others that we lack confidence, it also sends signals to our own brain that we lack confidence!

I am a big fan of Amy Cuddy who is a social psychologist.  Her inspirational TED talk has been viewed by millions of people and explains how our body language shapes who we are.  She argues that “power posing” – standing in a posture of confidence, even when you don’t feel confident – can boost feelings of confidence and might even increase your chance of success.  If you have not seen it, or if you need a refresh (I view it regularly and send it to my clients who need a boost), you are in for a treat!  Tune in here for a 20-minute feel-good watch.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks-_Mh1QhMc

The important part about what Amy says is that our own body language does not just influence how other people regard us, but also how we regard ourselves.  If we go into any situation with closed body language, trying to make ourselves small, it is not just those that see us who will think we are nervous or unimportant, it is also ourselves.

When we use confident body language, we tell ourselves that we are confident.  The research that Amy Cuddy cites eloquently demonstrates this.

By using confident body language (Amy’s “power poses”) before a big meeting, presentation or interview (or whatever your scary situation is), you can change your mind about how you are feeling.  Your body language can fool your brain and you into believing you are confident.  This in turn affects how you behave.  When you do this, you get better outcomes.  For example, you are more likely to give a confident presentation or give a positive account of yourself in an interview.  By enabling your own positive body language, you are unknowingly telling yourself that you are confident and you will behave more confidently.

There is something crazy-sounding about going into your office or even the bathroom and spending two minutes in ultra-confident poses before a stressful event.  But really, what have you got to lose?  The science shows it works.  The voice telling you it won’t work is part of the negative self-talk we discussed in my first article on confidence last year!

The first time I tried this for myself I was applying for my first senior manager role at a hospital.  Until then my career had been as a clinician, and now I was trying to make the move into management.  As part of the recruitment process, I had to meet the Chief Executive (CEO) of the hospital before the interviews.  He was a physically big man, with a powerful persona and a big reputation.  His view on the final panel interview would be persuasive and it is fair to say I was terrified at the thought of meeting him one on one! 

This was years before Amy Cuddy and the publication of her research.  However, at the time I was lucky to have a coach who had told me that I had to “be big” when I met him.  What she meant was – behave as though I was not afraid.  I was shown into his huge intimidating office, which had a grand mahogany desk, two leather chesterfield sofas with a highly polished coffee table separating them.  There was also a small kitchen-style chair.  The secretary showed me into the room and indicated that I should sit in the small chair then left to make some coffee.

My coach’s words were ringing in my ears, so I chose to sit in one of the chesterfields and made an effort to make myself ‘big’ and take up space.  Essentially, this meant not hunching or crossing arms and legs and making myself appear small.  So, I put my papers on the sofa by my side and feigned a relaxed open posture.  At first it felt uncomfortable, but I made myself do it.  I was, in effect, trying the old ‘fake it until you make it’ adage.

When the CEO entered the room a few minutes later he sat opposite me on the other sofa and, as we sipped our respective coffees, we had an encouraging conversation.  The net result was it worked – he seemed interested in what I had to say and, eventually, I got the job.

Even though my decision to sit on the big sofa was a difficult one, once I had done it and made myself take up space and be ‘big’, I felt more confident.  My body posture had influenced my mind, which changed my behaviour and resulted in a positive outcome. 

Try it for yourself.  It is easy to rubbish the notion of “power poses” and acting ‘big’, but it does work!  It helps us to present our best selves and give a better account of ourselves in tough or stressful situations.

You might not always get the job, or whatever outcome you seek, but at least you give yourself the best chance of making it happen.  In doing so, you prevent fear of the situation controlling you, and instead take back control for yourself.

3
jul
0

How To Transform Your Inner Critic Into A Loyal Supporter

Posted by Coaching, Coaching Tips, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

“Words matter. And the words that matter most are the ones you say to yourself.”

(David Taylor-Klaus)

Last month, I asked you to be aware of what you tell yourself each day and to notice how positive (or negative) your internal dialogue is.  I offered 4 Steps to help ensure your self-talk serves you well.  If you missed it, you can find it here.  That constituted part one of a 2-part article.

This month, in the second part of the article, I outline 10 practical tips to help you embed the learning from part 1.  You can begin practicing these immediately.  If you like to keep a journal, make notes on what you notice about your self-talk.  How you are changing it to improve your confidence, wellbeing and success at whatever you aspire to achieve?  Here are the 10 best things you can do:

  1. Focus your self-talk on what you can control, not what you cannot. Using the example from part one of this article, I can control how high I toss the ball when I serve in tennis, but I can’t control how well my opponent plays.  Sometimes I will still lose, but the important lesson is to reinforce the things I can control, rather than get thrown off course by the things that I cannot.

 

  1. Watch out for using absolutes like “always” or “never” in your self-talk. Absolutes are outside of your control, and it can make you feel like a failure when you do something that you “never” should, or when you tell yourself that you “always” mess up.  Absolutes are common in negative self-talk, so work to eliminate them from your new narrative.

 

  1. Avoid words of regret in your self-talk. Saying I should have done this or should have done that focusses on the past which is outside of your control.  You cannot change what has already happened.  Instead, focus on what you have learnt from your previous experience and what you will do differently in future.

 

  1. Don’t magnify your flaws in your self-talk. We all have weaknesses and things we are not good at, but you must take care that you do not exaggerate them.  You are not a dreadful cook just because you burnt the chicken!  You are not a terrible mother just because your son burned his finger.  You are not a rubbish driver because you scraped the car!

 

  1. Stop judging yourself negatively in your self-talk. We are so harsh on ourselves when we reflect on our own performance!  With any experience, try to notice what you have done well in addition to what you could learn from and do better at next time.  Focussing on what you have done well and reinforcing this is a great way of building strong positive habits.  Make a point of noticing when you have improved at something, no matter how small the improvement is.

 

  1. Notice if you are catastrophising. When you are worried about something, it is common to assume the worst is going to happen.  If your boss wants to see you, you might assume it is because she wants to fire you.  If a friend cancels a lunch date, is it really because they do not want to see you?  Instead create a more positive inner dialogue about the situation.

 

  1. Frame your new self-talk in the positive. If you say to yourself, “don’t forget to put the washing machine on”, it is likely that you will forget to put it.  This is because you are (inadvertently) reinforcing that you will forget to do it!  Instead frame it as, “Remember to put the washing machine on”, and you will be much more likely to do it.  Try it for yourself!

 

  1. Do not set false expectations for yourself. This is a form of self-sabotage.  If you say to yourself that you will double your salary within six months, you might be setting yourself up to fail.  (Also refer back to number 1 and ask yourself what is in your control?).  The theory of expectations suggests that if you expect to fail, or expect to succeed, you probably will.  However, it is important to stay grounded and realistic as well as positive.

 

  1. Be kind to yourself when you fail at something. Let’s face it, we all fail at times.  If you slip up along the way (I still double-fault in tennis!) notice the failure, be honest about it, learn from it, and move on.  I have learnt to trivialise this error by saying “Rafael Nadal occasionally does it, so it’s also OK for me”.  Don’t let your inner critic take over.  Be kind to yourself in the same way you would be if your best friend messed up and you were advising or consoling them.  Be your own loyal supporter!

 

  1. Work on your mood. Finally, the better your mood, the less likely you are to be self-critical.  Make sure you are getting enough sleep and do some things that make you happy!  When you do this, you are more likely to be in a positive frame of mind and so create positive self-talk.

To create a new habit and convert your negative self-talk to more positive dialogue takes time.   This is just like when you learn a new language – it takes time to master, and this is no different.  Be realistic!  Rather than aiming to change all your self-talk immediately, focus on the areas of your life that you most want to improve.  This might relate to your job, your family, your hobby, or even something simple and specific such as your cooking skills!

Being realistic also means acknowledging you cannot control or change the past.  However, you can influence your future.  Our self-talk is often skewed towards recreating past errors with a view to stopping us from repeatedly making the same mistakes.  But it doesn’t necessarily work this way!  Instead, by changing what you say you yourself to something more positive, you can begin to create a new more positive future for yourself.

Nowadays, whether I am serving in tennis or navigating a more important situation, I use positive self-talk to help me be at my best and achieve the best outcome possible.  In doing so, I have learned to become my own coach and loyal supporter, instead of being my own worst critic!

Start working on your self-talk.  You can learn to coach yourself to become your own, personal fan and biggest supporter.

6
jun
0

What you tell yourself -How to ensure your self-talk serves you well.

Posted by Coaching, Coaching Tips, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

(part 1 of a 2-part article)

We have around 70,000 thoughts a day.  Some are positive and serve us well, whilst many are negative and hold us back.  What kind of things do you say to yourself? 

Self-talk is the private internal chatter in your head that incessantly occurs.  We comment, assess, criticise, judge, blame, spurn or praise ourselves thousands of times over each day.

Examples of common negative phrases are:

“I am so stupid, clumsy, crazy or useless”,  or… “I can’t do it, no one listens to me, I am rubbish at that, no one likes me, it’s just hopeless”, I’ll never get that job”, and… “I’m too fat, too thin, too old, not clever enough, not tall enough, not good enough, not confident enough”, and so on.

Negative self-talk is not just a bad habit, it can be quite damaging.  Our brain does not always accurately recognise or objectively assess our personal circumstances.  In fact, as a protective mechanism, we are wired to see the dark side of things so that we can prepare and deal with bad situations.  The problem with this is that we start to believe things are worse than they might really be.

This is exacerbated further when we are tired, hungry, stressed, or off-guard.  Our internal chatter can turn into negative self-affirming and undermining phrases which can dent our self-esteem and feeling of self-worth as well as impede our performance and achievements.

Like all habits, we can modify our negative thoughts and self-talk with a little insight and practice.  First, we must learn to notice when it happens.  Then we can learn to overwrite the negative script with something more positive – and probably a more accurate reflection of the situation.  This is not a quick fix, but with a little time and practice it does work. 

I first learnt to modify my own self-talk some years ago and it has definitely helped me with a variety of life challenges.  To illustrate the point, I have cited one of my personal scenarios, I remember it well.  It shows how negative self-talk can undermine your expectations and you’re your performance.  Regular readers will know I like to play tennis…

I recall nearing the end of a set of tennis.  I was winning the set 5 games to 2.  If you are not a tennis fan, this is almost a slam-dunk and only one game away from winning the set.  However, things started to slip away from me.  Somehow, I had let it get to 6 games-all (which requires a tie break).  I was already angry with myself for not capitalising on my early advantage.  In the tiebreak, it was 6 points to my opponent, and 5 to me.  This meant that if I lost the next point, I would lose the whole set!  Fortunately, I was serving (and I am relatively good at serving for my level of play), so winning the point was achievable and within my control.

I hit the first serve as hard as I could.  Unfortunately, it just clipped the top of the net and flew out.  As I bounced the ball and planned my second serve, I thought to myself, “I bet I blow this and serve a double fault”.  Sure enough, I served the ball into the net.  I was furious with myself, not just because I had lost the set but, worse still, I had told myself that I would double fault – and guess what?  I did!  I had created and fulfilled my own prophecy!

I fully acknowledge that a game of tennis is neither essential nor life affirming!  However, uttering such negative self-talk in a different and more important aspect of life could just as easily be self-fulfilling and damaging.

“The only thing that can come in your way is YOU! If you think you can, you will do it. If you think you can’t, you are right too!”
(Sanchita Pandey)

My tennis game was a few years ago.  Since then, I have learned the importance of self-talk.  What we say to ourselves matters.  Psychology suggests that this is because we start to believe what we tell ourselves – whether it is true or not!  I reflected on how I had spoken to myself during the game.  I had told myself I was going to double fault, and I had obviously believed it.  And so, I had made it happen!

How do you talk to yourself?  Are there times when you tell yourself that you are useless or not able to do something?  It may not be as trivial as a game of tennis, but whatever you do in life it is likely that you are your own worst critic.

I have worked on changing the way I talk to myself.  You can too.  It has made a huge difference to my tennis and, significantly, to other more important aspects of my life.  It can make a huge difference to whatever it is that you do or want from life.  Here are four steps to guide you to thinking and talking more positively to yourself:

1.  Recognise you do it.

The first step is to notice that you have your own inner dialogue.  We all talk to ourselves, and it is important to notice when you are doing it and whether it is positive or negative.

2.  Write it down.

The second step is to notice exactly what it is that you say to yourself.  It is very helpful to write it down so that you record verbatim the narrative that you are saying to yourself.  Some people find it useful to give their inner voice a name (such as “my gremlin” or “my negative self”).  When you write it down you would, for example, write, “my gremlin says…”.

3.  Create a new narrative.

You are your fiercest critic.  But what would your best friend be saying to you in the same situation?  For me, my tennis coach would say to me, “throw the ball higher, because you do your best second serve when you toss the ball high”.  They certainly would not say, “you always double fault at set point”!  Become your own coach and loyal supporter.  Create a positive narrative that will help and support you.

4.  Overwrite the old narrative with the new one.

Whenever you notice your inner critic (your negative self) using the old narrative replace it with the new one.  If you have been telling yourself, “I will never get promoted”, change it to your new narrative such as, “I am ready for my next promotion”.

I hope that these 4 stages are helpful in guiding you through the first steps to changing your negative self-talk.  However, this topic is so important (and vast!) that I have split this blog into two parts.  Part-two will be published in July and will offer 10 practical tips to deal with your negative self-talk.  If you register on Karencastille.com website, the link for the next blog will be sent to you automatically via my monthly newsletter.

Start practicing the above and get ready for the 10 top tips being published in July.

2
may
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Discover how to Live Your Best Life in 5 Steps

Posted by Choice, Coaching, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

Do you ever worry that life is passing you by?  Are you concerned you are not making the most of the opportunity life presents, and maybe one day you will realise it is all too late?  If this rings true, you are not alone!  These are fears that affect most of us.

The good news is that this does not have to be an abstract concern.  In this article I explain a very practical approach you can take to make sure you are getting the most out of your life.

It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth – and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.

(Elisabeth Kubler-Ross)

We all want different things out of life.  People mistakenly think ‘balance’ is what we need to aim for between, for example, home and work life.  But it is less to do with balance and more to do with alignment.  The noticeable difference comes when you spend more of your time on what you want out of life.  It may sound simple, but it is astounding that most people do not necessarily follow this simple rule!  When the time you spend is closely aligned with your hopes and dreams, you will get closer to realising your personal aspirations and living your own personal dream. 

Follow these five simple steps to make it work for you:

1.  Identify the main important areas in your life

The following life categories are a useful starting point:

  • Health and wellbeing
  • Work/career
  • Family and friends
  • Rest, play and pleasure
  • Growth, learning and development

Feel free to adapt the list to match what you assess as your main life categories.  You may, for example, consider friends and extended family as a separate category to your immediate family.  Perhaps you have specific spiritual needs, or want to finally get around to writing that book you have wanted to for the last few years.  Or, maybe you have a hobby you enjoy doing that warrants its own category (I have playing tennis on my list!).  Create the list of your categories that is right for you and your life.

2.  Score how important each of these areas are to you

Assign yourself 100 points.  Allocate these 100 points across all the areas, based on how important they are to you.  Choose how many points you will allocate to work, how many to growth, learning and development etc.  When added together, the number of points for all the areas must total 100.  Look at your final allocation and make sure you are comfortable that the scoring reflects how important each area is to you (relative to the other areas). 

3.  Score how much of your time you currently spend in each area

As with the last exercise, assign yourself 100 points, but this time think of them as hypothetical aliquots of your time.  Divide these 100 aliquots (percentage of time) across your listed areas based on how much time you actually spend on each – how many of the 100 aliquots of time do you spend on work, how many on family and friends, etc?  Again, your individual scores should total 100, and should indicate the relative apportionment of your time on each area.  Be honest with yourself – this needs to reflect how you actually spend your time, not how you think you ought to be spending it!

4.  Compare the two lists

For most of us, the two lists show that how we spend our time does not match what is most important to us.  Typically, we spend a disproportionate percentage of our time at work compared to the priority we actually give to it.  Some of the things most important to us, in particular some of our key relationships, do not receive the time and attention their importance to us would suggest.

Awareness of the difference and disconnect between what we want and what we do is crucial to getting closer to living the life we want.  Once you notice a disconnect between what you want and how you spend your time, you can move to step 5 and start to take action!

5.  Take action to create more alignment between your two lists

Don’t expect to fix the difference between the two lists overnight!  We often have demanding jobs that take up much of our time, and it is often not possible to change this straight away especially when the income is essential to maintaining your family.  My advice is to pick one change you want to make that will have the biggest impact, and focus on that.  It might, for example, be you want to spend more time with your family, or on improving your health.  Consider what steps you can take to make this a reality.

I worked with a client who developed a side business designing and selling notebooks to supplement her income (as part of a larger plan to eventually move to part-time working!).  She ingeniously involved her teenage daughter to help design the book covers.  This meant she was able to spend more time doing fun things with her daughter as well as take positive steps to spending less time at work in the future.

After following the 5 steps, another client found a huge discord between work and family time.  In addition to being at work, he was taking work home.  Consequently, he spent very little time with his family, even when he was at home.  He established a specific time when he committed to stop working and dedicated the evenings to focus on his family. 

Parkinson’s Law states that work expands to fill the time available for its completion, and so even if you give work less of your time, it is still possible to achieve the same amount of work.  This was certainly the experience of my client.  He was amazed that his fear of not being able to be as effective at work if he stopped taking work home did not come to pass.

Time is your most precious resource.  You only have one life.  Consciously choosing how you spend your time, rather than allowing your time to be consumed by those who demand it most, is the key to living your own personal dream life.

2
apr
0

When your job makes you miserable, here’s how to decide to stay or quit.

Posted by Change, Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Decision, Self-coachingNo Comments

We have all been there.  The feeling of impending doom that starts midway through Sunday as the prospect of going back to work the next day looms large.  The knot in your stomach that will not go away.  The increasing tension in your neck and shoulders adds to the insomnia you’ve already got from worrying about it.  All signs of stress and anxiety.

You may be reaching the point where you feel it is just not possible to continue like this for much longer.  The burning question is, should you stay, or should you go?

You are probably receiving pressure from your friends and family to do something about it.  You may even be blaming or punishing yourself.  The temptation is to resign the next day and leave as soon as you can.  But is this the right thing to do?

It is by no means uncommon.  Last month alone 3 of my clients in different countries and with different roles raised this as an issue for them.  In this situation, there are two things I help them work through.  The first is to understand the cause of the discontent.  This is important because it is only when we fully understand the problem that we can know whether (or not) it is fixable.

What (specifically) is the cause of your discontent?

There are a wide range of causes of unhappiness at work.  It could, for example, be due to tension with a specific individual – a colleague or a boss.  Many of us are uncomfortable with conflict.  Operating in an environment of seemingly perpetual conflict can be extremely stressful.

Your angst might be due to the culture of the organisation.  There are many features of culture which might be at odds with your values or preferred way of working.  If, for example, the culture is haphazard, last minute and reactive, and you are an organised planner who thrives on certainty and preparing in advance, the clash between the organisational ways of working and your own preferences might be too much to bear.

The problem could also be linked to your perception of how valued you feel.  If you are paid less than your peers, are consistently overlooked for promotion, or are taken for granted for the work you do, every passing week can be frustrating.

Recently, I am also finding that several of my clients are struggling with overwhelm.  As mergers and acquisitions take place, people are laid off and the work piles up for those who remain.  The job can feel untenable.  The challenge of work may feel so demanding, both personally and emotionally, with seemingly very little respite or support.  You may feel that you are at the end of what you can (or want to) cope with.  Combine this with feeling unappreciated or undervalued and you have a recipe for quitting as your best option for respite.

What is the (real) problem you are trying to solve?

So, you can see how understanding the problem and establishing why you are feeling the need to leave is crucial.  There are two reasons for this.  First, it creates an opportunity to work on the specific cause of the problem.  Continuing with the previous examples, do you need to figure out strategies to resolve conflict with your manager or colleague?  Or perhaps you are wanting more recognition for the work you do?  Or, maybe you need to ask for and establish more support.

The second reason is equally important.  It is to make sure you do not move into a new situation which has the exact same problem!

Are you moving towards or away from something?

There are two types of goals.  Think of these as ‘towards’ goals; or ‘away-from’ goals.  Aim to create the former type of goal and avoid the latter.   Anger or frustration can be a great motivator to persuade you to move but, as Dr Peter Fuda warns us, it is not sufficient for sustainable change.   

A towards goal is one where you know what you want in the future and you actively work towards it.  This might be to secure a salary increase, an executive-level position, a promotion, or move to work in a certain company or sector.

Away-from goals are those where you are trying to move away from your current problems.  This can be illustrated as – you want a new job because you want to move away from your existing role to escape your current boss, rather than particularly wanting the new job you are moving to.  One risk with away-from goals is that you may inadvertently create negative mental loops and negative self-talk about why you need to move.

The biggest risk with away-from goals is that when you move away from something, you may move towards something that is not what you really want.  Even though you may have got rid of the problems of your old job, all you have really done is replace them with a set of different but equally stressful problems in a new role.  Hence it is crucial to unearth the cause of your current stress and the reason you want to leave.  In doing so, you can ensure that you do not inherit the same issues elsewhere.

After my clients have worked through and established the specific causes of their discontent, we work on developing an action plan for what to do next.  If the root cause is potentially fixable, then the plan will focus on attempting to fix the issues identified.  If leaving is evidently the best option, I support them to develop an exit plan as well as their action plan.  Both plans are made up of small steps not big leaps!  If you need more help to develop goals and a plan take a look at my earlier blog on this here.

Just because you have decided enough is enough and you want to quit, the next step is not necessarily to hand in your resignation letter immediately!  There are three reasons why this is not a good idea.  First, you are in a much stronger position to find a new job while you are still in your current one.  Second, if you resign and leave rapidly, you may feel pressurised to find a new role quickly which could result in you accepting a role that is suboptimal.  This can hugely increase the risk of experiencing difficulties in your new role.  Third, it is better to leave on the best terms possible (however bad you are feeling about your current employer!).  They may be able to help you – and you never know what the future holds.

Your exit plan

An exit plan starts by exploring and developing opportunities for yourself and your future. Start by listing what you do and don’t want.

Make a list of the characteristics of your dream job.  Be clear on which of these you are prepared to compromise on and which ones you are not.

Next it is important to alert and invigorate your existing networks.  Re-connect with those you have not been in touch with for a while.  Let people know that you are actively looking for work.  Register with recruitment agencies.  If your relationship with your boss is good (and this was not your main reason for wanting to leave), ask them for help and support.  They may be able to connect you with others in their network, or alert you to opportunities that they are aware of.

Putting your exit plan together can be liberating.  It helps you confirm to yourself that you really are leaving and there is a way forward.  It creates choices, opportunities, and momentum.  Without such a plan you may feel disempowered and devoid of choice.  Crucially, it is your plan.  Rather than leave in haste, make your plan work to your own needs, wishes and time-scale.

However bad things seem in the moment, reflect on the situation and work to understand what might really be going on.  Resist the urge to walk away immediately without a plan.  Take time to understand why things are so bad – coaching can help with this if you are not sure.  Work on a plan to either resolve issues or to move to a brighter future.  When you take proactive control in this way you will ensure that things will get better.

28
feb
0

Redefining happiness: 4 things you need to know about how to be happy.

Posted by Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

No one ever complained about being too happy!  Let’s be honest, we can’t get enough of it. 

Happiness, – it’s that wonderful feeling you get when life feels good and you are making the most of it.  Pursuing happiness is a recognised human endeavour.  Why?  Well, there is plenty of evidence to show that it positively affects our health, wellbeing, how long we live, how successful we are and how content with our lot we feel.

My late friend and colleague, Sheila, is probably the happiest, most positive person I have known.  That is not to say she had an easy life.  She had several different types of cancer at different times and endured gruelling treatments.  Yet, honestly, I never heard her complain – not just about her predicament, about anything!

She had a perpetual happy, contented look about her.  An inner peace and calm seemed to rest within her.  Despite bad things, she saw good in the world.

So, what is meant by happiness and what do we need to know about it to help us find our own happiness?

1. Happiness is a feeling of contentment

The first important thing to understand is that happiness is different to the sudden feeling of excitement, elation, or joy, you sometimes get with good news.  It is obviously associated with these feelings but, rather than a burst of ecstatic elation, happiness is more of a ‘slow burn’ sense that all is well, live is worth living and you are content with your life.  It is more akin to cosy burning embers than a blazing ferocious fire.

In positive psychology research, it is referred to as subjective wellbeing, or SWB.

Many factors are thought to collectively contribute to happiness: a job you enjoy; an income that supports you; and positive family and social relationships.  Of these, research has found that positive relationships with your partner, close family, and friends are a pivotal aspect of how happy you feel.

2. Happiness is transient

Despite Sheila’s unyielding positivity and seemingly persistent happiness, it is important to understand that happiness is a transient state.  It is fleeting and changeable but does tend to last longer than the instant feeling of ecstatic elation that comes with an exciting event or news.  Thus, happiness is neither a rapidly dissipated experience nor a constant steady one.  It is somewhere between the two.

It is all about contrast.  Without darkness we would not welcome the light.  If we never experienced feeling cold, we would not appreciate being warm.  And so, it follows that if you never experienced sadness or disappointment, you would not be aware of feeling happy.

The take-away from this is that you must not expect to be happy at every moment of every day.  Contrast is what gives us perspective.  The trick is, when you are happy, notice it, ‘milk it’, enjoy it, savour every moment.  This will help the feeling last longer and will produce the happy hormones that make you feel good.

3. You can produce your own sense of happiness

This is not about ignoring the bad or sad things that occur in your life.  Instead, on those groundhog days when things seem mundane, repetitive and lacklustre, you can create a sense of happiness for yourself.  How?  Well – and I know you have heard this before, but it does work – practice gratitude for the good things in your life.  Notice what you appreciate and savour the moment as though it might be the last time you experience it.

If you are planning a hedonistic event or extravagant purchase to make you happy, be warned, research has shown that although you may experience pleasure whilst it is happening, it rarely leads to happiness.  In terms of the experience, when it’s gone, it’s gone!

I am lucky enough to spend six months of each year living by the sea.  It would be easy to take this for granted, but I don’t!  Every morning I wake up – yes EVERY Morning – I open the window and I see it, hear it and smell it.  I say to myself how privileged I am to experience this for six months of the year.  For the months when I do not have the sea outside my window, I dream of it, I get pleasure out of simply recalling how it felt at the time.  It is a little like looking at a photograph of a lovely time you once had and recreating the moment of pleasure it gave you. 

It is also that contrast concept working again.  When we don’t have something, we often appreciate it more.

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” (William Shakespeare, Hamlet) 

4. Positive Thinking

For thousands of years, our brains have been trained to look for problems and danger.  Unfortunately, we still have this habit.

This may sound like a cliché, but it is incredibly powerful and impactful if you can learn to quell the Eeyore, that rests inside each and every one of us, and replace him with a Tigger.

I could, if I chose, be miserable for the six months I am away from my sea-side window.  Instead, I have taught myself to focus on the positive, rather than dwell on the downside of the situation.  When I am away from it, I recall it and appreciate it, but I also make a point of noticing what I have now such as beautiful flowers, countryside scenes or cosy fireplaces.  In short, I become a cheerleader rather than a nit-picker. 

Notice what is great about your world and create your own personal narrative to shape your view of the world.  Repeat it to yourself regularly.  A big tip is to reduce the amount of time you spend listening to the news or reading negative news feeds.  Positive stories rarely make the news, so we are seeing a biased and negative view of the world.  Your positive narrative will help you approach each day with appreciation, optimism, and positive thoughts.

“The present moment is filled with joy and happiness.  If you are attentive, you will see it.”  (Thich Nhat Hanh)

Sadly, the world lost Sheila in October, 2014.  She had a huge impact on me (a good one) and the countless others who met her.  Despite her dire circumstances, she exuded kindness and an unprecedented sense of contentment.  It washed off on me every moment I spent with her.

Optimism and happiness (as well as pessimism and cynicism) are known to be contagious so make a point of being around optimistic, happy people.

Happiness is not something that fortuitously happens to some people and not to others. There are small changes you can make to help bring about a happier life.  Micro changes in the way you think, behave, and live your life can and do make a huge difference.  Try it!

RIP – Sheila Rose Adams

 

 

 

2
feb
0

How to thrive and grow your resilience – 10 tactics

Posted by Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Leadership, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

My mother was ill from the day I was born.  She died of a cruel, incapacitating disease that left deep scars for me and my two brothers.  My father worked seven days a week to keep us fed and clothed, but this meant that our parenting was minimal.  We were three proverbial ‘latch-key’ kids.  From a young age, we endured and learned to cope with our plight and largely unsupervised lives.

The upside?  We didn’t know it then, but we were inadvertently building immense skills and resilience which would serve us well in our adult lives.

How are you doing in these crazy times?  Perhaps you are feeling lonely, disappointed, overwhelmed, or stressed.  COVID-19 is certainly testing our resilience and will, undoubtedly, be adding to the levels of stress you normally contend with.  The issues confronting you may range from minor setbacks such as holidays being cancelled, right through to full blown traumatic, life changing experiences such as losing your job or even losing a loved one.

So, what is resilience and how can you strengthen it?

Resilience helps you adapt and spring back from adversity and recover more quickly from the difficulties you encounter.  It affects how you behave, think, feel, act, and cope when you are challenged by negative experiences.

Resilient people find a way to change course, emotionally heal, and continue moving toward their goals

(Psychology Today)

Some people are more resilient than others.  Learning from a challenging or distressing situation in the past builds your resilience and help you deal with similar situations in the future.

However, irrespective of previous experiences, anyone can learn healthy ways to handle adversity and develop resilience.  Here are a few ways to get you started:

1. Control

Change is inevitable.  Sometimes, even though it is undesirable, the changes you encounter may be out of your control leaving you powerless to do anything about it.  You can neither undo it, nor go back.  Focusing on the things you can control, rather than those you cannot, will help you.  Ask yourself what is in my control and what is not.  Create options and actions to deal with the things that are in your locus of control.  Then, adjust your current plans and goals to reflect your new circumstances.

2. Catastrophising

This happens when an undesirable situation is threatened or has happened and we assume the worst possible outcome will occur.  Yet there are probably many different outcomes that might result from the situation.  An example of catastrophising is when someone (e.g. your partner or child) is late home.  You may immediately start to imagine the worst has happened to them when they might just be late!

If you are prone to catastrophising, cultivate the habit of thinking of all the possible outcomes, not just the negative ones.  Whatever you think will not affect the outcome, but it will affect you and how you feel about the situation.

3. Break negative thought cycles

When we are at a low ebb or feeling overwhelmed, we sometimes get stuck in negative thought patterns.  Typical language is what I call “if only” language.  For example, “if only I had done this – or not done that…”.  Of course, you may be correct in your assertion but, since there is no going back, it is not helpful to you or your situation to think this.  Self-blame or blaming others is also a typical negative thought pattern.

If you notice your thoughts slipping into a negative spiral, focus on gratitude.  Ask yourself, in that moment, what you are grateful for and focus on things that bring you joy.  For more tips on how to think positive thoughts, check out my previous blog here 

4. Find upsides to undesirable situations

This can be hard to do but some people do it naturally.  Imagine someone has just been told that they did not get the job they applied for.  Some people begin to craft a positive narrative for themselves saying things like, “actually, it was a much longer commute so, in a way, it is a good thing I didn’t get it.  If you are disappointed by something, try to think about a good effect that has inadvertently transpired.

5. Give yourself permission

When you face an undesirable experience or event, whatever you feel, it is (initially) important to acknowledge and give yourself permission to feel it.  This might be anger, distress, annoyance, disappointment, frustration, anguish, pain and so on.  Once you have acknowledged how you feel, try to focus on how you want to feel and what small thing you can do today to help you move on.  This is where the traditional advice to “have a nice cup of tea” comes from – I feel sure!  Tea has soothed many a disappointment!

6. Contact someone you love and trust

Share your distress with a trusted friend or relative – someone who cares about you and will support you through your situation.  There is some truth in the old adage, a problem shared is a problem halved.  The important point here is to ask for and accept help and emotional support from people.  In these Covid times, this may be as simple as a chat over the phone.

7. Small steps

Ask yourself: what small thing can I do today to help me handle this new situation?  There is always something you can do.  Using the failed job interview example, you might make an appointment with the recruiter for feedback, or begin searching for other opportunities.

8. Nurture your physical and mental health

Stress produces both a physical and emotional response in your body.  This makes it even more important that you look after your physical and mental health when you are distressed.

Seemingly small things will help, such as going for a walk outside in the fresh air.  Pets are also great comforters!  Just being with your pet can be calming and levelling, especially when you take time to notice their loyalty, happiness, or antics.

Make a healthy meal for yourself even if you don’t feel like it.  Make something nutritious, quick and easy like soup, baked beans, eggs, etc.  Some people view bad news as a time to ‘treat’ themselves to things such as chocolates, cakes, alcohol, or cigarettes help them through the situation.  This doesn’t work!  In fact, it fuels further addiction and there will be a price to pay when you are feeling better!

Mindfulness, meditation and breathing exercises can help you feel calm.  There is often mystique around such practices, but don’t be afraid of giving it a go.  Mindfulness and meditation are not exclusively reserved for Tibetan monks!  It involves bringing your attention to the present.  Nowadays there are plenty of free resources on the internet to help you to practice these.  Even 5 minutes a day can make a difference.

 9. Write it down

Spend a few minutes writing down your deepest thoughts and feelings.  This can be both cathartic and liberating.  Don’t worry about grammar or spelling, focus on the issue or event that is troubling you, and how it has affected you.  This technique is often used in psychotherapy and is known to be helpful.

Next, make a list of all the positive things in your life and those things you are grateful for.  Recalling and appreciating the good things in your life, despite your undesired situation, will help you cope with the change in circumstances.

10. Be compassionate towards yourself

This is often easier said than done.  We tend to beat ourselves up with negative self-talk.  One way to avoid this is to imagine that your situation is happening to a friend rather than you.  What would you do or say to help them?  How would you behave?  Your answers should then be applied to how you treat yourself.  Being compassionate and forgiving of yourself and others can help you to let go and move on from negative emotions such as anger, blame and resentment.

We all experience traumatic situations and feel emotionally distressed at times.

Resilience does not mean having no difficulties in your life.  On the contrary, it is built by experiencing challenges, heartache, pain and emotional distress just like the childhood events me and my brothers endured.  Although it might not feel like it at the time, we grow and learn from such difficult experiences.  Surprisingly, this is how resilience is built.  And, when we are resilient, we learn to cope and move forward with our life.

For many people, embracing the strategies above will be sufficient to get them though difficult situations and help them build their resilience.  

Most people adapt well (over time) to life-changing and distressing situations.  However, despite the suggestions in this article, if you have experienced something distressing and feel unable to carry out your daily life activities, please do seek help from a trusted professional.

Take care!

3
jan
0

How to make your New Year goal stick.

Posted by Change, Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Self-coachingNo Comments

It is your life.  What do you want to do with it?

To improve some area of your life, you’ve probably already made a New Year resolution or set a goal?

However, anyone who has tried (and failed) to give up smoking, lose weight, go to the gym knows that it is harder that is sounds.  Intention alone is not enough!  Sticking to goals requires you to make a new habit or break and existing one.

To compound matters, according to research by the University of Scranton, the depressing fact is that 92 percent of people do not achieve their New Year resolutions or goals.  Worse still, Strava (the social network for athletes) found that by 12th of January most people will have given up!

So why bother!

No one is perfectly happy.  No one has a perfect life.  To err is human.  So, when we blunder or fail at something, we are driven to correct it and improve a less than perfect situation.  Hence, we set goals (or make resolutions) to improve things.  This involves finding ways to undo bad habits and create new, good, habits.  All easier said than done!

The good news is there are evidence-based things you can do to make it more likely that you will stick to your goal – to lose weight, cut back the booze, do more exercise, spend less time on the internet or more time with the kids, or whatever it is you want to accomplish.

Breaking bad habits

To achieve goals and resolutions we must do some new things, or stop doing some old things.  This necessitates making new or breaking and replacing old habits.  However, changing existing habits is hard because in addition to the undesirable consequences that we are trying to get rid of, bad habits also offer rewards.  Let’s face it, people get immense pleasure from smoking, drinking alcohol or eating sweet things.

According to Charles Duhigg, an expert in habits, you must change your current routine and make it easier to do a new one.  For example, if you want to exercise or go for a run, put your gym kit or running clothes by your bed and put them on as soon as you wake up.  Once you have your running gear on it is harder to choose not to go.  The next step is to create rewards to help make it stick. 

Reward your craving brain

Based on the rewards you get, your brain creates cravings.  Cravings create habits – bad ones such as cigarettes, alcohol and chocolate, as well as good ones such as cleaning your teeth, taking a shower or doing exercise.  All these habits, bad or good, provide you with some form of pleasure.

If you want to break an undesirable craving, try to figure out what is triggering it.  What reward are you getting from it and how can you still get this reward by creating a different habit?  So, for example, when you are feeling stressed and need a break, if you normally take a break with a cigarette, find a way to take the break (the reward) but without the cigarette.  Make your break a lovely experience that you look forward to.  Each time you do it, you become more likely to repeat the behaviour.

Pre-plan your rewards (small treats).  Coffee is often my ultimate treat.  For you it will be something else.  It might be a lovely hot shower, smoothie, herbal tea, or reading a chapter of your favourite book.  Only you can say what is a treat for you.  Obviously, make it something that is not going to sabotage your main goal!  If you go for a run and promise yourself a cream cake afterwards, it undermines your goal to get healthy, fit, slim or whatever your goal is.

Not sticking to your goal is less about laziness or lack of self-control.  It is down to the method you use to accomplish it!  So, below are 12 evidence-based ways to help you increase your chances of achieving that elusive thing you’ve wanted for so long.

1. Visualise what you want – in detail. Detail will make it real for you.  Picture what it will look like and feel like when you achieve it.  Look forward to it, imagine it.  Keep it front of mind.  Think about it every night as you drift off to sleep.

2.  Make it your priority! Schedule your daily actions towards it and stick to your self-promise that you will do it.  Change your internal self-talk to “I’ll do whatever it takes”.

3.  Write it down. Use your device if you must, but good old-fashioned pen and paper has been shown to instil more commitment.  Put it somewhere you can see it daily.

4.  Remind yourself why you want it. Answering ‘why’ it is important to you and linking it to your purpose and meaning  is a powerful motivator.

5.  Tell a supportive person you are doing it. This makes it more likely that you will stick to it because you don’t want to let them down, and they can help spur you on when you are feeling less motivated.

6.  Make it incremental. Break a big goal or resolution down into little things you can do against it every day.  Running is a good example of incremental upgrades – from walking, to jogging, to running. 

7.  Create a craving and make it a routine – like cleaning your teeth!  If you are like me, you wouldn’t think of going to bed without cleaning your teeth.  I sometimes clean my teeth after my evening meal because there is no way I will eat chocolate or drink alcohol after I have cleaned my teeth.  It works for me!

8.  Use positive emotions and rewards around your new routine that are both pleasurable and achievable.  Only you can determine what a reward or treat is for you.

9.  Plan to do something everyday against your goal – no matter how small.  This will make it feel doable and over time you will see progress. It will build your confidence and get some early success under your belt. Your goal can be long term, but the steps you take must be short-term (e.g. daily).

10.  List the potential barriers to success – what might hold you back or stop you? Put things in place to mitigate these.  If you know that you eat chocolate late at night, don’t buy it or keep it the house!

11.  Review your success frequently.  This is easily done, for example with a binary tick list of your daily actions, e.g. did you do it?  Yes or No?  I use a step counting device so that I know each day that I am achieving my goal of 14,000 steps.

12.  Celebrate and reward your progress – no matter how small. Rewards increase motivation.  It is important to trigger a reward after a positive behaviour.  List small rewards that you will treat yourself to when you have completed a small step.

– – – – – – – – –  – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Goals should be difficult but not impossible, so dream big (audacious goals are compelling), but, according to Sabina Nawaz, in HBR, you must start small.  Equally, playing it safe with goals that are too easy will not get you to your dream!

Furthermore, fewer is better – one goal that you focus on and achieve is better than 6 that you give up on.  Make sure it is something you really want and within your control to achieve it.

Be determined, commit.  Positive language will help you.  Avoid words like I may, I should, I’ll try.  Say “I will” and state by when you will do it.  Be specific e.g. I will go for a 20-minute walk, 4 days a week and after I have done it I will enjoy an amazing cup of coffee.

Imagine how you will feel when you have achieved it.  Picture it, feel it, dream about it!  People who do this increase their chances of success.  Success has little to do with how clever you are.  Rather, it is linked to your determination, energy and your knowledge of what drives, motivates and rewards you.

Accept setbacks as a temporary phenomenon and find a way to get back on track – this may mean adjusting the steps to easier ones (to begin with), until you have created a new habit.

Don’t put off your life.  This is your life and it is happening now.  You can choose to be who and what you want to be.

Some people work hard to achieve what they want from life.  Others wait and watch things happening to them.  Which do you want to be?

30
nov
0

How to find purpose and make your life meaningful

Posted by Change, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Leadership, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

Do you ever think – there must be more to life than this?

Perhaps it occurs during your mundane commute, or your 4th zoom call of the day?  Or maybe when you are stacking the dishwasher, stuck in traffic, or queueing at the checkout.  Do you ever stop and think – this can’t be all there is to life?

If I were to ask what your life’s purpose is, how would you answer?  Most people would respond with something like… “I’ve no idea!”, or “I don’t have one”.  This tells me that it is either not considered important, or perhaps you are waiting for fate or time to decide it for you?  The latter is a possibility but, be warned, you might be waiting a long time.

You will not discover your purpose waiting for that one fortuitous inspirational day!  Instead, it is up to you to craft it and define it over time.  This requires deliberate thought and effort on your part and although it is tough, it is eminently doable.

Searching for meaning in life can feel like searching for the golden chalice!  It is frustrating, worrying, and doubtful that it is even possible to find.  But having no purpose at all is worse.  It can leave you feeling that your life is empty, unfulfilled, and just passing you by. 

This year is coming to an end and a new one is about to begin.  At this time many of us become introspective.  This is a good thing!  Embrace it, even though the questions we ask ourselves are reflective, searching and sometimes self-critical.  Questions such as “what did I do this year?”, “did it matter?”, “why am I here?”, and “what goals will I set for next year?” (download your free goal setting guide here).

These are challenging questions, but we can tackle them if we approach it in bite-sized chunks and consider our answers as ‘work in progress’, rather than the definitive answer.

The problem with having no purpose

You may be pursuing a particular path in life because you drifted into it.   Or perhaps you are afraid of failing if you dare to chase your dream?  Maybe you are afraid you are not good enough, confident enough, clever enough, or similar.

Worse still, you may be pursuing a life that has been determined by someone else, or you could be aimlessly wandering through life with no direction at all.

If this rings true for you and it feels like your life is lacking, something needs to change.  Clarifying your purpose is a great starting point to improving things.  Change for change’s sake does not work.  But if you work out which aspects of your life need to change, and why, it can be incredibly impactful.  Having a purposeful goal, to either add or change something, is a great way forward.

Why does having a purpose matter?

In his book, ‘Start with Why’, Simon Sinek describes the importance of establishing ‘Why’ to inspire the people you lead.  It is equally powerful for us as individuals to know ‘why’ we should do something.  So here are some reasons why purpose matters.

– It is a basic human need to feel that you are adding value to something/someone.

– Having a purpose has been found to be closely linked to happiness and fulfilment.

– It affects your confidence, health, and well-being.

– it moves you from feeling like a spectator of your life to a driver and shaper.

– having a clear purpose will inspire you to appreciate and live your life to the full each day.

How can you begin to create your purpose?

Let’s face it, it is hard!  We have struggled with questions about why we are here and what our purpose is since time began.  This is partly because when we try to think about it, we step out of our comfort zone and open a Pandora’s Box of fears and insecurities.

(In Greek mythology, Pandora’s Box suggested that unchecked curiosity could lead to a dangerous source of great and unexpected troubles!).

Questions to help you create your personal narrative

Purpose is personal.  No one can or should define it for you.  It should stem from your values.  So then, how do you begin to create your own personal narrative and feel that your life is purposeful, meaningful, and worthwhile?

Your values and beliefs may lead you to a noble philosophical, religious, or spiritual purpose.  The problem with this is, while it may serve as a moral compass, it may not easily convert into practical ideas and meaningful goals.

The following questions will start you on a practical journey of self-discovery and sense making about your purpose.  You will not reach an end point or final narrative.  This is because you, and the world around you, will change over time.  And so, your purpose must evolve with you.

There are no right answers to the questions posed, only your answers.  You must be shamelessly and ruthlessly honest with yourself when you answer the questions – no-one else needs to see or hear your responses.  These may seem little questions, but they will have a big impact if you follow through on your answers.

1.  What or who matters most to you in your life? – Why does it matter to you?  Why do you get out of bed each day?  Do you rise with zest and energy, or dread and weariness?

 2.  What brings you pleasure and adds value to someone or something? – These are the sort of things that make you feel good after you have done them.  Even small things can have a big impact such as picking up groceries for a neighbour or phoning a friend who is lonely.

3.  What else? (could you do more of this or carry out other acts of kindness?).  You can always think of at least one more thing!

 4.  Based on your answers, what improvement goal will you now commit to?

 This time last year, I asked myself these questions.  I discovered that I get a great deal of pleasure and satisfaction from helping others live happy more fulfilled lives.  As a result, I set myself a goal to write one blog a month for one year.  Each blog would be specifically crafted to offer insights into how people can improve their lives and work to be the best they can be.  This is my 12th blog!

When you have worked through the questions posed above, you will start to understand what brings you joy and fulfilment in life.  You can then choose some actions that you will commit to, just as I did with my blog.

Deferring your life is not a good idea.  If you do nothing to articulate and clarify some purpose for yourself, it won’t happen.  Whatever you write, keep it fluid and flexible.  Stay open to changing it each time you review it and as you learn more about yourself and your desires.  This will be the early start of formulating your draft purpose.    

We only have one life and one chance to make it the best it can be.  Commit to something.  Change something in your life.  You will be surprised at how even small changes can lead to big improvements.

Have a wonderful Christmas and a purposeful New Year!

31
oct
0

7 Habits Of Positive People – and how to practice them

Posted by Change, Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Leadership, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

Everyone has ups and downs but how do you stay positive in difficult times?

You know that sinking feeling when something has gone badly wrong in your life.  You didn’t get the job; someone is being unpleasant or difficult; you dented the car; someone got sick; or things just generally aren’t going to plan.  Sadly, no one is exempt!  The inevitable sad times, disappointments, frustrations and setbacks can leave you feeling unhappy, worried and afraid.

If it is not kept in check, negativity can ‘infect’ your other thoughts and deeds and your wellbeing.  Dealing with bad times is only half the story.  The main difference between positive and negative people is that positive people don’t allow bad experiences to colour how they see and feel about everything else.  Somehow, they are able to compartmentalise and process bad things while still feeling optimistic about other aspects of their life.  Their cheerful sense of optimism helps them feel happy and positive about the future and instils confidence, calmness, and positivity.

positive people don’t allow bad experiences to colour how they see and feel about everything else.

If you are not naturally a positive person, the good news is, you can change this!  After a short while of training your brain to be more positive, you will start to feel happier and have a sunnier disposition.  The 7 habits below are based on positive psychology and, with practice, will set you on your way to feeling more positive and appreciative of your life. 

1.  Expect good things to happen

The power of positive expectation is a well-documented phenomenon. A quick check of how positive you are is to ask yourself – when you receive an unmarked envelope in the post, do you expect it to be good news or bad?

Whatever you are doing, even if it is something scary and new, expect it to go well.  When you do, astonishingly, the likelihood of it going well is increased!  The converse is also true.  Sports professionals know this – if they expect to lose, they are more likely to lose.

Remember that trying something that you could potentially fail is scary, but not trying at all can create the even worse feelings of regret.

2.  Recall positive moments from the past

Keeping mementos around you will help remind you of happy positive times.  Everything counts if it brings to mind a moment in time when you felt happy and well, and recalling it makes you feel good.  Photos, cards, celebratory trophies, wedding albums etc. will help you to re-conjure the moment.  I keep a few things on my desk – a glass award paper weight, a lovely card from my husband, a gift pen from a friend.  They help me create a happy place to escape to for just a few moments when I need to.

3.  Plan something nice or exciting

Even small things will have a positive effect on your brain, such as planning to watch your favourite box set, meeting someone for coffee, going out for a walk.  This doesn’t mean doing the nice thing right now.  It is more about triggering the brains ‘happy’ hormones by spending time throughout the day, the week or year thinking about the event – whatever it is – and looking forward to it.

It works for longer-term yearning too, such as planning a holiday, looking forward to Christmas, an upcoming birthday, a new baby’s arrival or a wedding.

 4.  Be appreciative and grateful

There is a large body of support these days for gratitude journals and notebooks.  I admit it!  I was a little sceptical at first but, trust me, it works!  Even something as simple as recording 3 positive things from your day before you go to bed works.  The spin-off benefit is that you will probably get a better night’s sleep too!

5.  Celebrate more than you normally do

Find things to celebrate.  It’s not hard once you get the knack.  The best example of this is my husband who does this with consummate ease!  He is always finding something to celebrate.  His birthday is February 11th.  From early August he starts to get very excited about his upcoming “half birthday” which occurs on August 11th!  Initially I regarded his half-birthday concept as quite amusing (if a little childish!).  However, since learning more about how the brain works in relation to optimism and positivity, I’ve come to realise that he is creating things to celebrate so that his brain can produce positive hormones.  He has unwittingly been practicing these habits all his life which is how he has become an exceptionally positive, happy person.

6.  Reframe your mindset

When your mindset is negative it ‘infects’ your other thoughts.  You begin to frame everything around you as negative.  Bizarrely, you collude with this negativity and start to attract more negative things.  The opposite is also true.  When you think positively, you notice and attract more positive things in your life.  The key here is that although it may not always feel this way, you do have choice.  You can choose to think positively by blocking and overwriting negative thoughts with positive ones.  Try it!  Do a deal with yourself that for the next 20 minutes you will not accept negative thoughts.

7.  Notice positive things

To help reframe your mindset, start to proactively notice and acknowledge positive things.  Positive things happen all the time, we just don’t always register them.  It could be a positive email, a nice comment from a friend or loved one, a lovely sun rise, a waggy tailed dog or purring cat.  They all count and serve to feed your brain with good thoughts.

Life is full of ups and downs.  Sad and distressing things happen.  Negative emotions such as anger, stress, fear, sadness, and disappointment have their place in helping us work through difficult and distressing times.  The point of this article is not to dismiss these emotions.  Acknowledging how you feel is a big part of working through challenging situations and moving on.  Instead my message is that we can learn to reserve negative emotions for when life is tough.

When I was being overly negative, my wonderful mentor (the late Professor Aidan Halligan, an obstetrician) asked me “how many babies died today Karen”?  In his world, a baby dying was the worst thing that could possibly happen.  Of course, my answer was “none” which helped me realise that I was overreacting to my situation.

As humans our primeval instincts often evoke fear and stress when we don’t necessarily need to.  If we train ourselves to think and feel more positive, we are more able to reserve negativity and the associated negative emotions for the times when they are warranted.  The result is that we will feel happier and more grateful for the wonderful life that we have.

1
sep
0

Grow your gravitas!

Posted by Coaching, Coaching Tips, Leadership, Self-coachingNo Comments

“You are great at what you do Mike, but you need more gravitas if you want to get to the next level”.

Mike’s boss was clear.  He thought Mike needed more gravitas to progress.  It was at that moment (my ‘aha’ moment) I realised the importance of Mike’s predicament, especially as two other clients had asked me to work with them on the same thing.   

It can be frustrating to be told you do not have it, particularly when it is unclear what is meant by ‘gravitas’ or ‘executive presence’.  Both terms are used interchangeably, are shrouded in mystery, and are hard to define.  Yet, curiously, we can all name someone who we believe has gravitas.  But if we are pushed to explain what we mean by this, and what it is these people do or have, well frankly, it is hard to say!

This blog is written with these questions in mind and to help you navigate the mystique of ‘gravitas’ and how you can get some.

Shrinking in a corner, pressed into the wall; do they know I’m present, am I here at all?

(Lang Leav, Poet)

What is gravitas?

Though hard to define, when someone has gravitas people notice them.  The way they walk, talk, move, sit or stand creates a lasting impression on those around them.  Interestingly, we notice when they have it, as well as when they do not!

You know that annoying feeling when someone says what you said a few minutes ago (and you got no reaction when you said it) and yet now everyone thinks it is a great idea!  Reflecting on the situation, what did they say or do differently that got more attention?  Could it be that the person has more gravitas?  If this is a likely explanation, it begs the questions: what is gravitas, can you grow it and, if so, how?

The Cambridge English dictionary defines it as “seriousness and importance of manner, causing feelings of respect and trust in others”.

Although some people seem to ooze gravitas effortlessly and naturally, it is important to appreciate that it is a skill, not necessarily an inborn trait.  Like all skills, it can be learnt with a little know-how and practice.

Why is it important?

People with gravitas have impact.  They are memorable, credible, convey confidence (without arrogance) and they exude integrity.  They appear poised and calm.  People notice when they enter the room.  When they speak, people pay attention and listen.  They are persuasive.  They readily gain confidence and trust, can sway decisions, argue for resources, present compelling cases, ostensibly with ease and grace.  All this allows them to access and seize opportunities. 

Few delights can equal the mere presence of one whom we trust utterly.

(George MacDonald, Scottish author)

How to grow your gravitas

  • Be aware of the impact you have on others. Learn to radiate calmness and stillness when you are with people.  This helps others to relax and be at their best in your presence.  Be aware of the subtle messages you emit when you enter a room, sit at a table, or meet and greet people.  How fidgety and frenetic are you?  Do you have a welcoming smile?

Proactively seek feedback on how different people experience you.  This is a key leadership action because we all have blind spots relating to how we are perceived by others.  I once received feedback from several sources that I was scary!  This trait does little to help build positive trusting relationships, so I worked on softening up a little to get the best from people.

  • Assess how you sound to others. Is the tone of your voice audible, clear, calm, and slow?  All these send out subtle clues that you are either anxious or relaxed.  If you are not asking a deliberate question, avoid an upward intonation at the end of your sentences.  This gives the impression that you are unsure about what you are saying.  Pausing during the conversation is fine.  It gives people (and you) time to think.

If you have the habit of using “fillers” such as er, um, or ah, learn to break the habit.  Practice by recording yourself and playing it back. 

  • Know your topic and communicate it well.  Prepare well by ensuring that you know and understand the relevant data relating to the topic to be discussed.  Using a few simple words is much better than lots of complicated ones!  People are not impressed by complicated language.  Brevity and clarity are much more influential.  When making a written statement we use a full stop at the end.  When speaking, we should follow a similar rule by learning to stop speaking when we have made our point.  Quality, not quantity, is the key to success.
  • Be a great listener.  Listen, listen more, and then listen some more.  People with gravitas listen more than they speak.  Always respond truthfully to questions and if you don’t know the answer, say so.
  • Build positive relationships and networks – with stakeholders, peers, subordinates, and bosses. The most potent way to build positive relationships is to ask more questions than you answer.  Listen more than you speak.  It is well accepted that people who are good at networking build rapport by asking non-threatening, open, questions, rather than talking about themselves.
  • Look the part.  Think about the impression you want to leave behind. What subtle messages are you are sending to those around you?

    Dress according to the culture and style of your organisation and the position you hold (or aspire to hold).  This shows respect and conveys an appreciation of the responsibilities entrusted to you.  It helps those around you feel comfortable and avoids distracting from the conversation.  All of which increases your gravitas.

Having gravitas enhances your confidence and career.  It strengthens your credibility and inspires confidence and trust in others.  You will grab people’s attention quicker, and keep it.

If your gravitas needs a boost, work through the points above.  Choose one (to begin with) and start practising it today.  Build it into your daily work.  Once you have done this, select another point to work on.  You will soon be on your way to developing the mysterious yet powerful concept of gravitas.

1
aug
0

7 ways to increase your confidence

Posted by Coaching, Coaching Tips, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

(The second of a 2-part article)

If you missed part 1 of this two-part series on self-confidence, click this link to catch up: “The number 1 culprit of low self-confidence and how to fix it” .   The first article focused on the most important factor affecting self-confidence, how to overcome this and conquer your low self-confidence.

Once you have had time to practice the recommended activities in part 1, this second article builds on your skills and provides 7 more influential ways to increase your confidence.

1. Improve your feelings of self-worth

Confident people value and believe in themselves.  How do you feel about yourself?  How kind and compassionate are you to yourself and how easily do you forgive yourself when you get things wrong?

Learning to trust yourself is a good first step.  It does not mean that there is no risk to your decisions, but acknowledging that there is no single best solution will help you feel confident that you are making a choice and moving forwards.  Tell yourself that your decision will be fine.  If it does not work out that will also be OK.

Another quick and simple thing you can practice is to learn to accept compliments.  You will be surprised at how powerful it feels when you just smile and say, “thank you” (without adding an apology or anything more to your response).

2. Expect good things to happen

The power of positive expectation is a well-known phenomenon.  When we expect things to go well – they often do, and when we expect things to go badly the outcome is more likely to be negative.  The effect is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Choose to tell yourself that things will work out well, even if you don’t fully believe it at first.  Over time your thoughts and emotions will become more positive.

Just believe in yourself.  Even if you don’t, pretend that you do and, at some point, you will”.

(Venus Williams)

The well-known phrase ‘fake it until you make it’ works in this context.  When I’m playing tennis, I try to believe that my partner and I have every opportunity to win.  I refuse to entertain a losing mantra at the start because I know it will affect how I play.  Regardless of mistakes, I work hard to stay positive with myself and my doubles partner.  This has the effect of helping us relax and play well.  If we lose, we know that there will be another time and another opportunity to learn from our mistakes and go for it again.

 3. Use positive anchors

This might sound a bit abstract, but it’s not.  It is very practical.  Positive memories from the past can evoke positive emotions and increase your sense of wellbeing and confidence.  Fear of failure or rejection undermines self-confidence.  ‘Anchors’ are places and things you can ‘go to’ for a source of energy, inspiration, and positive feelings.

Feeling validated and appreciated in one aspect of your life can boost your confidence and the way you feel about other areas.  Hence, reflecting on past successes, achievements and happy times reminds you that you are talented and capable.  As you recall them, make a list, and review it anytime you are feeling the need for a confidence boost.  Typical anchors include:

Anchor moments – are successes and positive things that have happened – your moments of happiness or triumph!  Sounds, smells and sights can all help recreate a positive moment.

Anchor people – are those who think you are great, make you feel good, believe in and support you. 

Anchor objects – mementoes, trophies, certificates, keepsakes, photographs, thank-you cards, artifacts etc.  Things that make you feel good about yourself.  Keep them in sight to remind you of good times and successes.

4. Stop worrying about what other people think or say about you

How do you feel about what others think or say about you?  We all want to be liked and appreciated.  However, be realistic!  There are 7.8 billion people in the world.  Some will not like you and never will!  Move away from these people and stay close to those who are kind, thoughtful and supportive of you.  This will certainly improve your confidence.

5. Be open to feedback and learning

Whatever your level of knowledge and skills, there is always room for improvement.  If you make a mistake or get it wrong, consider it a learning opportunity.  If your skill level is not where you want it to be, remind yourself that it is work in progress.

When you receive feedback, notice and listen to the positive as well as the negative – don’t make the mistake I sometimes make with my tennis shots (see previous article)!  Regard feedback (negative or positive) as a gift.  However, if you think the feedback is unfair, malicious, or inaccurate, like all gifts you do not have to keep it if it does not fit! 

6. Set goals

Setting and achieving goals is a great way to develop your confidence.

Make your goals ambitious but not so big or distant that they feel unreachable.  Break down big goals into small steps which feel doable.  Your confidence will increase as you tick off each step or action.  You will see your progress and reflect on how far you have already come.

If you are unsure how to set goals that will work for you, download my free goal setting guide. 

7. Seek help or support when you need it

It is a mistake to believe that we can go it alone.  We all need help at times.  If you are struggling with something and your confidence is low, find someone you trust who can help you and ask for their support.

Find genuine ways to help others.  Helping is an interesting phenomenon.  It is good for both the giver and the receiver!  It makes us feel good and is frequently reciprocated.  Complimenting others (colleagues, friends, children) works in the same way.  It fosters a culture of support and well-being and makes it easier for others to compliment and support you.

Conquering self-doubt might feel difficult, but it is highly achievable.  Like all skills it requires practice, tenacity, and perseverance.  Rome was not built in a day!  Commit to practising the recommendations above and you will soon notice a difference and start to transform into your confident self.

1
jul
0
Image by 3D Animation Production Company from Pixabay

The number 1 culprit of low self-confidence and how to fix it

Posted by Coaching, Coaching Tips, Leadership and Change, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments
(Image by 3D Animation Production Company from Pixabay)

Is your lack of confidence letting you down? 

You know those days, months or even years when you doubt your ability to accomplish something?  Interestingly, you are not alone.  Whether you are a board executive or a stay-at-home parent, no one is immune.  My clients range from CEO’s and VP’s in global companies, through to jobbing doctors and nurses.  They have taught me that insecurity affects everyone at times. 

“Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will” – Suzy Kassem

In fact, feeling a lack of confidence is so common, I decided to write a longer piece on the topic.  To give you time to practice the ideas, I have split the article into two bite-sized chunks, each with life-changing impactful actions that you can start working on today.

This article covers the main factor responsible for low self-worth and self-confidence, and how to deal with it.

A second article on self-confidence will be published next month and will help you to build on what you learnt from this one and offer 7 more ways to increase your confidence and self-worth.

If you don’t want to miss Part 2, subscribe to the monthly newsletter at Karencastille.com and the link to both articles will be in the newsletter.

What is confidence and why is it important?

Although somewhat nebulous, the term ‘confidence’ suggests an inner feeling of self-belief and self-worth.  When you feel confident, despite life’s challenges, you feel secure and capable rather than insecure.  You readily accept and tolerate your vulnerabilities and insecurities especially in relation to feelings of failure or rejection.  You are honest and frank with yourself about your feelings, emotions and capabilities.

When you are self-confident, you trust your own judgement and ability.  This does not mean that you always succeed but, remarkably, it does improve your chance of success at whatever you are trying to achieve.  And, if you do fail at something, when your confidence is resolute, you are more able and willing to brush aside the failure and either try again or take on a new challenge.  Confident people are intuitively able to channel their confidence to handle any outcome, positive or negative, regardless of what they pursue.

Can you learn to be more confident?

The short answer is yes and that is why it merits two articles!  However, it is a bit like the chicken and egg situation i.e. which of two things comes first, and which caused the other one?  In this situation, you need to be confident to try something new or challenging and each time you do try something new (and survive!) it builds your confidence.

This is because when you try something new, it always feels like a risk.  With risk comes stress.  When we are stressed our brains trigger stress hormones which can make us feel uncomfortable or afraid of failure.  However, in short bursts, the same stress hormones can also help us to think clearer and perform better.

This may not be what you want to hear but, unrestrained negative thoughts (about yourself) and negative self-talk perpetuate low self-worth and self-confidence.  Therefore, the main culprit for undermining your confidence is you!  The moment you acknowledge this and take personal responsibility for improving it, your confidence will begin to increase.

Re-frame your negative thoughts

Watch your language!  Although it may not feel like it, what you say to yourself is entirely within your control.  To protect us, our brains are hard-wired to look for negative things.  So, it is easy to slip into an irrational cycle of negative thoughts and moods.  When your thoughts about yourself are mostly negative, you are unconsciously undermining your own confidence.  Once you are aware that you are doing this, there are several things you can practice to overcome it.

  1. Learn to recognise – in the moment – when you criticise or belittle yourself.  I sometimes do this when I am playing tennis.  I can hit 4 successive great shots, mess up the next one then mutter (to myself) that I am rubbish!  Instead, I should be recalling, and praising myself for, the good shots I made.

  2. Change your belief about yourself. The power of belief is a well-known phenomenon.  What you think about and say to yourself (good or bad) becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.   The result of berating ourselves is that we act according to our negative belief.  Fake it until you make it!

  3. Stop telling yourself and others that you lack confidence!  Each time you say it you are inadvertently reinforcing it as your belief.  By speaking and thinking positively about yourself, and taking action to achieve improvements, you will develop confidence.  A better phrase to practice is “I am continually building my confidence”.

When you catch yourself saying negative things to yourself, in the moment, stop saying the negative things and replace the comment with a positive one which focuses on what you did well.

Conclusion

Noticing what you think and say to and about yourself is the first step to improving your confidence.  When you become more self-aware of your inner chatter, you can begin to re-frame the conversation to a more positive one.  With practice, over time, you will improve your feelings of self-worth and self-confidence in different aspects of your life.

As my tennis coach frequently reminds me; practice, practice and practice some more if you want to achieve improvement.  Once you begin to master the suggestions in this article, a second article on the same topic will be published in a month’s time.   It will provide you with another 7 practical ways to help you to continue on your improvement journey.

If you don’t want to miss Part 2, subscribe to the monthly newsletter (on the right-hand side of this page) and the link to both articles will be in the newsletter.

Karen

 

31
may
0

How to take back control when things are not going your way.

Posted by Change, Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Self-coachingNo Comments

Like most people, when things are not going my way I can resort to complaining.

But is my venting just a moan, or am I actively working to change an unacceptable situation?  The former perspective portrays me as a victim, the latter as a champion of my own destiny.  I know which label I prefer!

I remember a time when I was convinced that my boss did not like me and was, in my view, treating me unfairly compared to my colleagues.  At that time, I worked shifts and it seemed to me that she (my boss) repeatedly allocated all the undesirable and unwanted shifts to me.  I remember being rostered to work four consecutive Christmases in a row.  I did more night shifts than the others, and most of the bank holidays were, yes you’ve guessed, allocated to me.  To exacerbate my disquiet even further, I applied for funding support to do my Masters degree and was refused, despite other colleagues being fully supported.  Yet, moaning about these situations did not help me!

The psychology of victim thinking is that we look to blame others, or external circumstances out of our control, for the things that are not going well in our lives.  It is so easy to blame someone else for our troubles – our friends, employers, the government, and even our loved ones.   When we do this we are giving our sense of control and power away.  This can foster negative feelings such as helplessness, frustration, anger, resentment, anxiety and low self-worth.  Inadvertently, we risk portraying ourselves as poor unfortunates who need to be rescued from this stuck, unhappy state!

Viktor Emil Frankl was an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist and a Holocaust survivor.  He wrote over 39 books and is particularly renowned for his best-selling book Man’s Search for Meaning based on his experiences in various Nazi concentration camps.  We have much to learn from him about avoiding victim behaviour and exercising choice.

“The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.” Viktor E. Frankl

The reality is we always have choice.  We can choose to opt for victim behaviour, and wear people down with our endless tales of woe about how the world has conspired to prevent us from getting what we want or the opportunities we deserve.  Or, we can choose to respond differently to the unfavourable situation and hold ourselves and others to account for helping make the new desired state happen.

As a coach I work with all sorts or different people in different circumstances.  Take Chris and Alex, for example (real people but not their real names).  Both were well qualified and experienced and had applied for an executive position.  Both were unsuccessful and approached me to support them in their application for another role.  I was curious about their reactions to the situation and struck by their respective different responses to similar disappointing news.

Chris talked earnestly about the situation and told me: “I’ve booked a meeting with them to get feedback on how I did and what I could do better on” and “the good news is I’ve spotted an even better job and so, in a way, it’s OK that I didn’t get it”. 

When I asked Alex similar questions the response was “I think it was a stitch-up” and “it was the Chairman’s fault that I didn’t get it, I could tell that he didn’t like me at the interview”.

Chris seemed to instinctively avoid becoming a victim of the unfavourable circumstances and viewed the negative result with an internal locus of control by accepting personal responsibility for the outcome and committing to do better at the next opportunity.  Alex, however, did the opposite.  I noticed subtle signals of victim behaviour creeping in.  The negative result of the interview was attributed to factors, or people, outside of Alex’s control.

In this real example Chris remained positive and optimistic whilst Alex fell into victim behaviour, expressing feelings of anger and disempowerment.  Clearly, my sample of two people does not constitute scientific evidence!

It is not always easy to maintain a positive mindset – especially in the face of adversity.  One way to avoid victim behaviour is to step outside of the circumstances for a moment and ask yourself three questions:

  • What am I feeling right now?
  • What part am I (inadvertently) playing in perpetuating the way I feel?
  • What can I do, that is within my control, to change things?

When I was complaining about my boss treating me unfairly, I was inadvertently edging towards victim behaviour.  Only when we accept that events are largely a result of our choices and actions are we likely to be more pro-active in shaping our own lives.  I accept that it is easier said than done, but having an awareness that we can change things for the better is a step in the right direction.

The end of my story was good!  Eventually I stopped moaning and realised that it was in my gift to change my situation.  I applied for and got a new job with a new supportive boss.  In doing so, I rejected blame and a victim mind-set and accepted responsibility to improve my situation.

This is not about minimising situations where people have fallen victim to terrible or unlawful circumstances.  Such incidents clearly warrant our unreserved empathy, compassion, and support. 

Notwithstanding this, to be effective, I know that I must embrace the belief that I can consider my options, exert control over my choice, then take positive action to improve my situation.  In doing so, I place the issue within my locus of control and acknowledge that I have the power to make change happen.  I encourage you to do the same.

30
mar
0

How are you? – 5 ideas to help you cope at home

Posted by Coaching, Coaching Tips, Self-coaching, WellbeingNo Comments

I know you have a lot on your mind right now, so I’ve written this blog to help you stay physically and psychologically well and safe.

“In times of great stress or adversity, it’s always best to keep busy, to plough your anger and your energy into something positive.”

Lee Iacocca

A few weeks ago, staying home might have seemed like a fun thing to do.  Now, as the reality of the Covid crisis sinks in, we are all worried and stressed – it is clearly no holiday!

You may be experiencing a range of different emotions in yourself and those close to you.  Feelings of fear, concern and anxiety are typical.  You may feel angry or disappointed at people who seem to be flaunting the rules.  You may feel sad or distressed about elderly or vulnerable family members who are alone, and you may doubt that it will ever be normal again.

I can’t promise you loo rolls or certainty.  However, I’m suggesting a few practical tips to help you to not just cope but thrive as we all navigate this uncharted territory and work to create a new normality.

Here are five things to consider, – the last one is a list of practical things you can do relatively easily.

  1.  Focus on the things you can control

    (and put your time and energy into these)

  • Get up at your usual time. Shower and get dressed!
  • Create a new daily plan and rhythm (see number 4 below for ideas)
  • Stop frequently checking your devices, it’s stressing you out! Decide when you will check your emails, messages and news-feeds and stick to your plan.

  1. Look after yourself

  • Be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to feel what your feel, you are human.
  • Breathing exercises have a calming effect and help relieve stress and anxiety. Try the 4:2:4 method (breath in for 4 seconds, hold for 2, and breath out for 4).
  • Plan some exercise – but if you go outside keep well away from other people.
  • Be more mindful and appreciative. Notice (hear, see, smell) flowers, bees, squirrels, birds, sunshine, blossom, pets, fields, trees etc.
  • Rest and sleep. Don’t feel guilty, take a nap when you need to.  Anxiety and stress can make you tired.  Rest helps you recover and builds resilience.

  1. Get/stay in touch with people (remotely)

  • This is a great opportunity to re-connect with people you may have lost contact with!
  • Ask how they are. Laugh, make small talk and be interested in how they are coping.
  • Keep a positive internal and external mantra. Avoid perpetuating a sense of helplessness and colluding with how bad things are.  My dad told me that an undertaker knocked on his door to ask directions.  My dad’s response was “you’re a bit early mate, but if you want to take some measurements while you are here, it will save you time when you come back in a few weeks”. They both laughed.

  1. Create a new daily timetable.

      Make a plan, a new daily rhythm.  Write it down.  It can be small                things such as:

  • Phone a friend or have face-time with someone.
  • Exercise.  Plan to walk, run or cycle, or you could try Joe Wicks YouTube Sessions which include a variety of free exercise programmes for all abilities.
  • Plan your meals for the day.  Be creative! Try something you haven’t cooked before.
  • Build in break times, rest times and treats (but go easy on the biscuits and cakes!)
  • Do some gardening, DIY jobs, de-cluttering or housework
  • Plan a leisure activity such as reading, hobbies, interests, or a jigsaw. Even trashy TV can help relieve your stress and act as a reward for doing some of your ‘jobs’!

  1. Some practical things you can do now

  • Decide to be grateful for what you have. This is not about material things. It refers to, for example, your family, friends, pets, garden or your health.  Some people find it helpful to keep a gratitude journal and record what they are grateful for every day.  If this is you, there are some beautiful journals available to order on-line.
  • Do something new: Try drawing, painting, bird spotting, crosswords, puzzles.  Take up yoga, learn to play an instrument or learn a language.  You can do many of these things for free on the internet.  To get you started I like sites such as: 30 Days of Yoga With Adriene,  https://www.butterflyspanish.com/ and many more!
  •  Plant something – even seeds in a pot on the windowsill will help you to feel optimistic as you water them, wait and watch them grow.
  • Go for a walk, if possible, in open space away from people. Even in urban environments, notice the spring flowers popping up.  Hear the birds tweeting.  Watch dogs playing, squirrels busying themselves, cows grazing, or pigeons cooing to win a partner.  Noticing such things is a form of mindfulness and helps you feel calm and appreciative.
  • Enjoy the sunshine (when there is some!). This can be as simple as noticing and appreciating the sun bursting through the windows or go outside and feel it warm your skin and clothes.
  • Make a list of things that you have been meaning to do for some time. Each day you can tackle something on your list.  My favourite tip is to strike out what you have done like this but leave it visible on the list.  This helps you feel useful and productive and gives a real sense that you are moving forward with things.
  •  Make a list of treats or nice things to do for each day. When you feel particularly overwhelmed or anxious, you can choose a treat from your list and remind yourself that this is short-term, things will improve in time.  Examples include having a nice hot drink in your favourite cup, reading a novel, doing a jigsaw, bake/cook something, phone, Skype or face-time a friend.

Whether you choose to do some of these suggestions or other ideas of your own, the key is to write it down in your plan.  This helps you commit to it.

Adjusting to and coping with the new arrangements for social distancing and self-isolation is hard for us all.  Change is notoriously hard everyone. But as we begin to create a new normal, we will begin to feel a sense of coming through the tunnel into the light again.

Take care and stay safe!

Karen

19
feb
0
Hope

Hope is not a plan: 3 steps to make hope work for you

Posted by Choice, Coaching, Coaching Tips, Leadership, Leadership and Change, Self-coachingNo Comments

Are you waiting, hoping, or even praying for something good to happen?  Something that will change your life for the better?

Maybe you’re hoping for a new job, a promotion or a new career?

Or, perhaps you are hoping to get fit, lose weight or improve your work-life balance?

Hoping something will change or happen is rather like daydreaming, wishing or wanting something.  The trouble with hope is it is only part of the story and will only get you so far. 

Nelson Mandela hinted at the concept of ‘hope’ when he talked about vision.  He famously said:

 Vision without action is merely daydreaming

Creating a vision for a more positive future is similar to hoping for something.  Consequently, ‘hope’ without action is also merely daydreaming. 

I don’t want to mislead you with an entirely negative portrayal of ‘hope’. Being hopeful can feel highly positive.  However, this only holds true if you know how to optimise your hopefulness and convert it into reality. 

How to make ‘hope’ work for you.

Hoping for something can be motivational and inspire you to take positive action towards whatever you are hoping for.  This is easy to see when, for example, we plan a house move, a wedding, or a holiday.  We become excited about it and this compels us, almost inadvertently, to take steps towards making it happen.

You can make hope work for you by, firstly, visualising what you hope for.  The effect of this is so powerful that your brain releases positive neurochemicals (such as dopamine and endorphins) which intensify your motivation as well as making you feel good.

Astonishingly, neuroscientists have found that when you recall or imagine a positive experience, the effect is almost as potent as when you do it for real.  It positively affects your sense of well-being, even though it is only in your thoughts!

So how do you convert your hopefulness into a powerful vision that compels you to act and achieve what you hope for?

How to visualise what you hope for

Imagine for a moment how you feel when you think about (or visualise) an upcoming holiday.

Picture the wonderful things you will see, feel and experience.  Imagine how will you feel when you leave your stresses behind and enjoy a break from the worries and pressures of everyday life.

To make it really work for you, visualisation needs detail.

Conjure in your head the images, smells, sounds, feelings, colours etc.  If it is a holiday (for example) you’re hoping for, picture the beautiful sights you will see.  The blue sea, white sand, the snow, the mountains, the lakes, the trees or whatever it is that attracted you to the holiday in the first place.  Imagine the sun warming your skin, the sand between your toes or the taste of the cocktail as you watch the sun set.  Feel the snow crunching under your boots, the frost on your nose or the swish of your skis as you glide down the beautiful mountain slope. 

Most important of all, think about how you will feel when you achieve what you hope for.

You will start to feel real feelings.  You will probably feel excited, relaxed or happy just by the thought of it, even though you are only thinking about it rather than actually doing it. 

People who market and sell holidays know this.  That’s why they bombard us with images of stunning sunsets, beaches, forests, mountains, happy people and so on.  They are using images, words and sounds to create a ‘feel-good factor’ every time we look at their website, brochure, or video.

Hence, ‘hoping’, day-dreaming, desiring, visualising – however you wish to describe it – can make you feel mentally and physically good.

Sadly though, as soon as we put the brochure down or close the website and return to our daily tasks, the positive feelings subside.

The question then, is how do we make the feel-good mood last?

How to keep the feel-good factor going.

Mr Mandela inspired us to dream.  He also knew how to maximise hopes and dreams.  In the last part of his speech he said…

Vision with action can change the world

Changing the world is a mighty big ambition!  Your hopes and dreams may not be quite as far reaching.  Nonetheless, whatever you hope for is within your grasp.  Research has shown that to achieve even a giant-sized, scary, ambitious goal, you are more likely to succeed if you take lots of small steps or actions which feel doable and achievable.

Every time you complete an action – no matter how small – it will make you feel good and you will be one step closer to converting your hopes and dreams into reality. 

Day by day, step by step, you will move closer towards that which you long for.  So, in conclusion,

These 3 things will make hope work for you:

1.  Visualise what you are hoping for – in detail.  Imagine what you will feel, see, hear, smell, taste?

2.  Take small steps (actions) today to get you closer to what you hope for?

3.  List the next steps – and when you have completed those, list the next ones, and so on until you get there.

You may not be aiming to change the world.  But you can use your hopes and dreams as a positive force for change.  Use it to frame and motivate yourself to take positive actions towards your desired outcome.

Be inspired by Mr Mandela.  Begin to convert whatever it is you hope for into action.  Start today with the first small step.

After all, ‘hope’ is not a plan!